The Insanity of Humanity
by izzum
Summary: What happens after two OC's drift to the Commonwealth and back to the Capital Wasteland.
1. The Insanity of Humanity

It's been three years, since Cain and I left home in search of answers. Answers that we hoped would soothe our curious minds, and provide something of substance to his origin. We left in search of a better life together. A life I didn't feel the Capital Wasteland would provide, or even dare to offer. We left together, north towards what once was Canada. We began our adventure to the Commonwealth, three years ago near this very day. Three years ago, my parents passed, and three years ago I left all of what I learned of my life, my history, and the history of my parents behind.

Three long, brutal, treacherous years. People will often look back, and reflect on how quickly time passes. How when you think of it, three years is nothing but a blink of an eye. But when you live nearly forever, when your time in this world isn't burdened by withering age and brittle bones, your entire existence seems like one big today. One long, dreary, struggling day. My mother may have seen this trip differently. She may have seen it as an adventure, excited to be strictly beside my father. She would have loved to endure what Cain and I were forced to, loved to be in such different lands, with such different climates and witnessed horrendous creatures. In a way, I wish I was like her in that sense. I wish I could have enjoyed this voyage. Instead, I find myself longing simply to return home. To return, and take time to figure out how this began. How I came to be as I am now, and why I can't seem to figure out what's me, and what's my parents.

It's true that ignorance is bliss. Nobody wants to tell you that though. Even in today's day and age, where the ignorance of man surrounds one on a daily basis. Ignorance is bliss, because had I been so ignorant of my parents, of their personalities, then I'd be dumb enough to accept this human being, this thing, this... _abomination…_ as myself. I don't call myself that because I truly feel that way. It's just, in these three years; many things have come to surface. Many dark and desperate things. When you've gone four days without water, food, or radiation, your mind does things to you. It brings all those inner demons to a head. They bubble to the surface, and scream in your mind so loudly it makes you wish you could just go deaf. Those demons were all I had sometimes, when even Cain couldn't reach me. They helped me realize that I don't know who I am. That my entire life, my entire existence, was based around what my parents built. _Their_ reputation. _Their_ actions. _Their_ wise choices. None of it was mine. None. Even fleeing to New Vegas didn't release me from the grip of their actions and events.

Our trek to the Commonwealth proved less fruitful than our excursion to New Vegas, though. It was rumored that the Commonwealth was filled with people. Scientists. People who could provide us with answers to our questions. Provide us with rations, ammunition, and perhaps even a home. If there were people in the Commonwealth, Cain and I never found them. The entire land was worse than the Capital Wasteland ever was before. Red smog filled the air, thick, and too thick for even radiation to penetrate. The sun lit everything in red, though. Smog isn't actually red. If there was hope in the Commonwealth, or even a chance of anything for Cain and I, it has since been destroyed. By what, we didn't bother to find out. It had taken us so long to get there, and we had given up so much, that simply arriving to nothing but desolation destroyed any willpower we had left. It shattered us. And the voices in my mind grew louder than ever before, as I stood among the rubble and trash of a once-great city.

We spend a year and a half travelling to the Commonwealth. Bearing the elements, facing creatures like super mutants and deathclaws combined together. Cannibals, ghouls who weren't feral, but angry, and more powerful than I've ever encountered. There was no reasoning with the people we met on our way here. As if all logic and rationality was dead to them. Their only want was to survive. We'd never encountered such things, or needed to survive as desperately as we did in our journey there. Knowing we had done in all chasing a pipe dream, chasing absolutely nothing, destroyed more than our drives and hopes. It destroyed us. The elements threw everything they had at us. The world wanted to test us. Test our ability to work together, to communicate, and keep our heads in place and high during even the worst times. But we failed that test. We failed, and I'm not even sure it bothers us anymore.

As I said. When we arrived at the Commonwealth and discovered it in its current state, there were no words. There was no need for words. We had put everything we had into this trip. Exhausted our resources, our minds, everything. In return we gained nothing. We simply turned our backs, and began the long journey home. But why home? Why the Capital Wasteland, when we had no reason to return? When we had spent so much time trying to escape it? Because where else could we go? Where else in this world, could we turn to, knowing now more than ever, it may not even exist? At least in returning home, we had a small comfort in knowing that it's still there.

Neither one has spoken to the other since leaving. Before, the silence would have bothered me. Shaken me to the core, with fear and insecurity. But now, after enduring all that I have, after earning scars and wounds just as my mother before me has, the silence is the most peaceful thing to me in the world. I'm not sure if Cain feels the same, but I'm too drained to even care. I'm too drained to worry about anyone else other than myself these days. There's no need to speak it. No reason for it all to be solidified in words. We both know the relationship that grew between us has died. And when it died, when that love that sparked so violently and burned so brightly faded away, I realized that a love like my parents had together isn't meant for everyone. It's only meant for those willing and strong enough to fight for it. I'm not willing, nor am I strong. I've only learned that I do not want to be any part of my mother, or my father. I watch to etch my own world, my own story, into this world. I crave my individualism upon returning. I crave to be Dizzy, and not just Dizzy, daughter of Charon and Dezbe. I crave it, I long for it, I need it just as my body needs the blood that courses through my veins. In this time, I've discovered many, many things. I've discovered that despite my happy childhood, I resent my parents for casting me in their shadow. For sheltering me, and forcing me to a life in Megaton. I imagine now, what my life could have been, if they had let me wander into the world at a younger age. I imagine how different I'd be, had they not unknowingly bound Cain to my side. What loves and adventures I may have found on my own. I want no more part, in the stories my mother and father burned into the land of home. I am not them. I am Dizzy.

Cain and I are together now, because still without me, he can't survive. Despite the fact that I want so much to be alone, I'm not cruel enough to let him die. He is still a large part of my life. He still means something to me. I'm not sure what he means to me, but I know it's something. You'd think, being a copy of my father, he'd come to be just like him. The only similarity I see between the two is the constant serious expression etched into their faces. His eyes focused, serious, and never flinching. But is he anything like my father? Is his personality that of the man I loved and thought could do no wrong? No. Cain is nothing like him. Cain is emotionless, serious, and never letting enjoyment affect him. In these years, he's forgotten how to feel anything. I can't decipher if it's because of his own experiences here with me, or because of his programming. People would tell me of how serious and solemn my father was, but I can't imagine him being anything like Cain portrays. I can't imagine my mother having stayed with a man like that for very long.

Before, when this journey began, Cain and I were stupid, and hopeful. We were filled with dreams and our imaginations ran wild with what we'd find as we traveled further and further north. At night, we'd lie awake and compare our thoughts of the matter, usually after a bout of passionate love making. But those days have since died, and no more do we share dreams or imaginative ideas. I'm not even sure we have them anymore. We don't speak, we don't communicate, we do nothing but walk together, and keep our hands in constant quick reach of our guns. The two of us, have become so vastly different, that if we could leave one another's side, we would have a long, long time ago.

I dream of my parents sometimes. At night, I sometimes sleep and images of them flood my mind. In some, they try to lecture me. Tell me what I need to do, what I have to do, and other such things parents bother their children with. But I never listen, and when they enter my mind I force myself awake. They've been gone too long now. I no longer want any part of them. No longer want them in my life, other than distant memories. I hold the memories of my childhood close, and still take some pride in being the daughter of a vicious mercenary, but that's as far as it goes now. Because they failed to tell me of the most important things in life. By sheltering me, I never learned how terrible life out in the wasteland is. Never fully realized the amount of strength, and determination it took just to simply keep one's mind. It was a shock when I realized traveling north wasn't like traveling across the Capital Wasteland. When it required more than just ample supplies and keeping an eye out for threats. Mom and dad never bothered to tell me, the strain it puts on you. The emotional toll it has on you, and those around you. Had I known it before, I would have probably chosen to stay a bit closer to home. Or at least if I didn't, I would have left home with a better knowledge and understanding of what exactly I would be getting myself into. But I didn't know. I knew nothing. And now, there is nothing more to be done. All that I want to do, is figure out who I am apart from my parents. Apart from Megaton, and apart from what everyone expect from me. If I can find a way, I even want to leave Cain behind.


	2. The Lives We Left Behind

The sun begins to set in the sky. I know I'm close to home, because home has such a distinct smell and feel to it. Even beneath my thick boots, my Raider armor tattered and worn, I can feel home beneath my feet. Knowing I'm close excites me, and a familiar green glow lights the way. I can still do that. Emit the same thing a glowing one emits. Bursts of radiation. It doesn't exhaust me as much as it once did. I've gotten it mostly under control, though strong emotions will still cause me to lose control. It's happened more than once. Where I've woken weak, sick, and anywhere between hours and days after emitting a burst powerful enough to melt the course dirt I walked on.

Cain glances at me, noticing the green tint to my skin. Unknowing if it's anger by my own thoughts, or excitement at being close to home, he increases the distance between us. I don't know why Cain no longer looks at me. It could be many things, ranging from disgust to pain. But I've stopped wanting to know. I never did want to know in the first place. It was a mutual and silent agreement we came to. Something neither of us spoke of, but both wanted. Both, maybe even, needed.

Walking whilst glowing at night is both beneficial and dangerous. Though we're in the Capital Wasteland, it still makes me a walking target, and after three years there very well could be new threats. This world is always destroying and renewing itself in millions of different ways. At the same time, it provides us with a guide as we walk into pitch black tunnels, and desolate caves. Like most things in the Capital Wasteland, it's a catch-22.

I haven't given much thought to what will happen upon my return to Megaton. In a perfect world, I'd be able to eat and sleep until I felt fulfilled, and then venture off on my own in search of myself. In search of my own identity, separate from that of my parents. But it's not a perfect world, and unless I find a way, Cain is forced to come along. He knows I'll leave him, rather than join him on anything he wishes to do, so silently, he obeys me. Though I know he curses me under his breath. I know he'll glare in my direction, not truly looking at me, but wanting to. I know that if his looks could kill, he would have had me dead by now. If he was able to kill me with no harm to himself, he would have. I know this, but like many other things, I don't speak of it.

The shifting sand beneath my worn boots makes me return to reality. Despite my desire to stay within my own mind. Neither one of my parents taught me how to maintain my armor. Eventually, I learned on my own, as with most things, but still. By then it was too late. My armor hangs off of me like loose cloth. Tattered, torn, and no longer serving a purpose, it only protects me from the dirt, sand, and wind that hits me. Even then, sand still gets in my pants and the wind chaps anywhere my skin creases. There are holes in my boots, and they no longer offer the strong support they once did. When I return home to Megaton, I have full intention of having Gob make me a new set of armor. Provided he's around.

I've toyed with the idea that Gob may have since passed. Though when we left, Zack and Jasper were expecting a child, and Gob wanted every part in that child's life, it's been three years. I know now, how much can change in a week, a day, let alone years. Gob was almost the same age as my father, and eventually old age and sickness captured my father. Barrows perhaps could have saved him, but he had lived his life, and no longer wished to go on. Gob may have chosen otherwise, or could very well be alive and healthy. It also makes me wonder if Barrows and Graves are still around, too. I can't imagine they wouldn't be. They're the leading experts in…well, they know a lot about ghouls, and medicine at that. I doubt Barrows would share his ideas and discoveries with anyone but Graves. At this point in time, I can only imagine that everyone is just as Cain and I left them. Happy, content, and looking forward to a progressive future.

Sadness swells inside of me, when I think of how happy Cain and I were, when we first departed. All those hopes, and all those dreams. Eager to carve my own path in this world, and excited to finally be separate from my mother and father. I didn't expect all of this, though. I didn't expect to be so destroyed by my illusions. To become so bitter, and so silent of it all. But things happen. People change. I suppose that's the first thing that separates me from my parents. I don't always see the glass half full.

My glow soon begins to fade, as the excitement of returning to the Capital Wasteland at long last begins to subside. Looking around, it looks no different than it did when we left. The rocks are still rocks, and the dirt is still dirty. We come to the edge of a high cliff, and stare out upon the land in a silence that's not strained, and yet not comfortable either. It's a silence I've grown used to over these years together. But the Capital Wasteland, home, she looks just the same. Like a comfortable bed from one's childhood. The one that gave the best sleep, and offered the warmest comfort. If the sun were awake now, I'd be able to see for miles, upon miles. Maybe, even to the very southern tip of it.

Despite my disappointment, anger and new-found cynicism of all things in life, there's one thing I can't deny. As much as I want to get away from home, home is still my home. It's where I'm from, and sadly, the place I'm most comfortable and at ease. I know this land, I know these broken roads. I know it like I know my own body.

As we stare out at it, my skin begins to glow ever so faintly. Beneath the stars, finally home after three long, treacherous years, I'm home. Home. I don't want to stay here without finding my own way, but knowing that home is still here after all this time, after all the days that passed, after all the minutes and hours…home is still here. And somewhere, far off in the distance, Megaton waits.

In the still and strong silence, Cain and I prepare to make camp here, at the edge of this cliff. We don't need to discuss it, by now it just happens. Although we're so close to home, we're also exhausted, and weary from walking so much in such a short amount of time. We don't build a fire, nor do we cook any food. There's no food to eat, and there's no reason to build a fire in the warm night. So we lie apart from one another, hands behind our heads, staring at the starry skies above. There are no cigarettes to smoke, and no conversation to be had.

Exhaustion overtakes my body, almost as strongly as it overtakes my mind. I feel my legs throb in pain, sore, tiring pain. As if they're asking why. Why did I force them to travel beyond their limits? Why did I push myself this past week, when I knew I'd only be returning home? Maybe I was excited to see the Capital Wasteland again. Sometimes the thought of a hot meal, surrounded by those you care for, is enough motivation to get anywhere in life. After all, I can't be fully injured. As long as I've got enough strength to emit some radiation, I can just soothe myself. I shot myself a long while back just to prove that theory. It proved to be true.

Believe it or not, I think Cain was more relieved to discover that ability than I was. As we began to drift apart, he no longer had to worry for me. No longer had to care as much, because I was able to simply heal myself. Sure, there were times when I was far too weak to do anything, and he had to step in and allow me to drink some irradiated water. But that's about it. He no longer guards me from stray bullets, or makes sure he's in the path of a charging creature. If I need him, he's there, but mostly I'm on my own. It's the first time in my life, that I haven't felt completely dependent on someone. It's liberating, and saddening at the same time.

Rolling to my side, back facing Cain, I force small emissions of radiation throughout my body to soothe it. I have to be careful though. Since I'm pretty tired now, overdoing it with this radiation could have an adverse effect. It happened once. It wasn't too fun. But regardless, feeling it coursing through my veins and into my aching muscles is such a sweet relief. It gives me a bit of energy to pry my eyes open, and gaze up at the stars.

Forever ago it seems, Cain once said that he enjoys the consistency of the night sky. How it's always the same, and how it seems to never change. I didn't want to tell him that when he looks up at night, he's not seeing the same two stars he saw the night before. The world turns, the stars rotate. I kept my mouth shut, because I figured he already knew that and didn't need his mood ruined by a wise-ass like me. This was back when Cain and I were still close. Back before we grew apart, and back to square one where we just simply cohabit without fully acknowledging one another. Perhaps it's better this way, though.

Before the lasting silence, we agreed to find a way to part us. It's a bittersweet thing, since I've always had him close by. I'm so used to his presence, that I'm unsure how I'd feel without it. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to try it. In fact, I'm excited to see how I'll fair without Cain. To finally have the freedom to be alone in this world, to do what I want on impulse, without anyone rationalizing or stopping me. I've never had such freedom before, because Cain has always been near me. If not him, then my mother, or my father. If we can find a way to sever this connection, to do it without killing him, it'll be the happiest day of my life. Because then, and only then, will I truly, finally be alone.

What will I do with such newly discovered freedom? What will come of it all? Will I accomplish something great, and finally set myself apart from my parents? Will I realize I'm not wholesome and kind and compassionate as they once were, and bring chaos upon the Capital Wasteland? No, I don't think so. I can do some pretty terrible things, but I can't imagine destroying my home. A few lives are a few lives, but the Capital Wasteland is the one place it seems, that has grass and farms. I mean, it did when I left. I can't imagine the people would have let it all go to waste. I'd hope they'd be tending their small area of grassy heaven, rejoicing that the soil was fertile, and that it's the start to an easier life. But people are animals, and animals often like to destroy things. But Megaton is different. Megaton is home. It's supposed to be safe, right?

The sun in high in the sky, as my boots lay down on the grass of Megaton. It feels like an entirely different world. Through the holes in my boots, the grass tickles, and the familiar presence of radiation warms my foot. Megaton was never radioactive before, what's changed? What, since I've left, could have caused it? It isn't in one singular spot, either. As we walk closer and closer, my feet grow warmer and warmer with radiation. It's not uncomfortable, but it tells me that the radiation grows more powerful towards the center. My mother and father once told me that the hollowed out bomb in the center, the one used for children to play with, used to be live. But my mother had deactivated it. I know the radiation isn't coming from the bomb.

Before I left, we were worried that with the implementation of the G.E.C.K that radiation would be scarce. By the way this feels, we were further from the truth than we thought. But that's not the main focus right now as I come upon the homes and Brahmin that populate Megaton. The staggered homes, shops, and people. They don't glance up at us as we draw near, as I see my old house. To them we're simply wanderers. Something that happens almost daily in Megaton. The people don't seem outwardly affected by the radiation, and perhaps that's due to adaptation. Dad used to tell me that in his time, radiation was dangerous. It would destroy a person on the very basic level of their being; by destroying their chromosomes and hindering their cells from reproduction. Sometimes, it would have an adverse effect and the cells would grow without stopping. Both of these outcomes always killed the host. Yet now, for some of us, radiation is a necessity in order to survive.

Megaton looks exactly the same, and wholly different. The people pay no mind, the crops a bit smaller, but still, the shops are there, people, and homes. I'm excited to find Gob, more than I am to find Zack and Jasper.

"We have to find Gob."

I tell Cain as we venture past our old house, and down the familiar slope. It's the first thing I've said to him in weeks. We've grumbled in one another's direction, but never fully spoke. We didn't even have a fight to cause this rift between us. I guess in the three years past, we simply grew apart. Exhausted and defeated by the troubles and trials and disappointments upon finding the Commonwealth. A part of me used to be sad about it, missing Cain in a way. Now, I'm not sure where that part of me has gone.

"He's in his shop."

Cain tells me, motioning towards the old shop that I spent many years of my childhood in. There's a new sign above it, reading 'Gob's Repairs'. The old sheet metal ramp that leads up to it is rustier than I remember, but I notice Gob's handiwork on the supports. Relief washes over me, because I felt in my absence maybe he'd have passed. Maybe like my father, Gob's old age would have taken him as well. Losing Gob would be like losing my family again. I haven't felt relief, or this sense of familiarity since I left home. It's a welcoming feeling, to return to the place I so badly wanted to leave


	3. Place We All Call Home

The sun in high in the sky, as my boots lay down on the grass of Megaton. It feels like an entirely different world. Through the holes in my boots, the grass tickles, and the familiar presence of radiation warms my foot. Megaton was never radioactive before, what's changed? What, since I've left, could have caused it? It isn't in one singular spot, either. As we walk closer and closer, my feet grow warmer and warmer with radiation. It's not uncomfortable, but it tells me that the radiation grows more powerful towards the center. My mother and father once told me that the hollowed out bomb in the center, the one used for children to play with, used to be live. But my mother had deactivated it. I know the radiation isn't coming from the bomb.

Before I left, we were worried that with the implementation of the G.E.C.K that radiation would be scarce. By the way this feels, we were further from the truth than we thought. But that's not the main focus right now as I come upon the homes and Brahman that populate Megaton. The staggered homes, shops, and people. They don't glance up at us as we draw near, as I see my old house. To them we're simply wanderers. Something that happens almost daily in Megaton. The people don't seem outwardly affected by the radiation, and perhaps that's due to adaptation. Dad used to tell me that in his time, radiation was dangerous. It would destroy a person on the very basic level of their being; by destroying their chromosomes and hindering their cells from reproduction. Sometimes, it would have an adverse effect and the cells would grow without stopping. Both of these outcomes always killed the host. Yet now, for some of us, radiation is a necessity in order to survive.

Megaton looks exactly the same, and wholly different. The people pay no mind, the crops a bit smaller, but still, the shops are there, people, and homes. I'm excited to find Gob, more than I am to find Zack and Jasper.

"We have to find Gob."

I tell Cain as we venture past our old house, and down the familiar slope. It's the first thing I've said to him in weeks. We've grumbled in one another's direction, but never fully spoke. We didn't even have a fight to cause this rift between us. I guess in the three years past, we simply grew apart. Exhausted and defeated by the troubles and trials and disappointments upon finding the Commonwealth. A part of me used to be sad about it, missing Cain in a way. Now, I'm not sure where that part of me has gone.

"He's in his shop."

Cain tells me, motioning towards the old shop that I spent many years of my childhood in. There's a new sign above it, reading 'Gob's Repairs'. The old sheet metal ramp that leads up to it is rustier than I remember, but I notice Gob's handiwork on the supports. Relief washes over me, because I felt in my absence maybe he'd have passed. Maybe like my father, Gob's old age would have taken him as well. Losing Gob would be like losing my family again. I haven't felt relief, or this sense of familiarity since I left home. It's a welcoming feeling, to return to the place I so badly wanted to leave.

Entering the shop, trinkets hang from ceilings; shelves are filled with miscellaneous items. It's fuller than it was before. This sense of safety and familiarity has been missing in my life for what feels like forever. Down the hall I hear a child's laughter, and remember that before we left, Jasper was pregnant. A baby, no, toddler. The child would be a toddler now, two or three years old. I wonder what they've named him. My foot absentmindedly kicks a box on the ground. It creates a loud shuffling noise, the clanking of metal. I hear Gob's voice from the back.

"Hang on, I'm coming out!"

Gob. His voice. His scratchy, familiar, warm voice. I feel warmth in my chest that radiation gives me, but I know it's not from that. I know it's from hearing Gob. For the first time in years, I'm smiling. Behind me, I feel Cain's presence. I can tell without looking, that Cain is also a bit relieved to be home. There's no need for either one of us to be stressed, now that we're safe in Megaton.

"Alright what can I get-"

His sentence falls short as his eyes land on Cain and me. It takes a moment for Gob, his eyes scanning us up and down, to compose himself. When he does, he gives us a smile, and rushes towards me. His arms around me, I inhale his familiar scent, and the warm, safe feelings return as if they've never left. The feelings of comfort, and safety, that only family can provide you with. Those feelings you miss so deeply when you're so far away from the one place you could ever call home. I've missed Megaton. I've missed Gob. More than I think I ever let myself know.

"Gob…"

My arms squeeze him tight. His old, familiar body feels so good against mine. It makes me think of my father, and how much I think I miss him, too.

"It's been a while, kid."

Gob pulls away from me. His eyes meet Cain's, and they share a mutual, silent greeting. Gob seems to understand how to deal with Cain, since he dealt with my father for so many years. But with me, he treats me like he treated my mother.

"Papa? Papa?"

The child's voice. I look behind Gob, in the doorway leading to the back, there's a small boy staring up at Gob. He's so tiny. I haven't seen many children, and forgot how they start out. How weak they are, how much protection they need. Kids can't defend themselves against a super mutant, or raider. They can hardly walk. Logically, they shouldn't live out here. Something would inevitably kill them. From disease, radiation, or an attack. But then again, here we all are, and we all started out that small. Gob turns and stretches out his hand. The toddler waddles over and takes it.

"Dizzy, this is Boone. Zack and Jasper's son."

Boone. His name means 'blessing'. I can see how fitting it is. The last time I saw Gob, he was tired, old, but the light in his eyes was still there. He wanted to continue on, and needed something to continue on for. Boone gave him that, I bet.

Never having to interact with children, I'm not sure what the protocol is to dealing with them. Gob senses my discomfort as Cain shifts uneasily behind me. He's in a rush to go somewhere. I don't know where to, though. Hurry up and wait, is Cain's lifestyle it seems. I hope he understands, there's nowhere to go from here.

"You two must be tired from a long trip."

Gob tells us, although it's written across our faces. We're tired, hungry, and in need of solid rest.

"I want to stay and chat, though. Just for a little. I've got so much to tell you."

It's true, I do, and there is a world and a half to talk with Gob about. Inside, I'm silently hoping he'll give advice that I can use. Advice that'll lead me to where I'm meant to be, and where I'm supposed to end up. Because if you ask me, I still have no idea.

Nodding, Gob lifts Boone and places him on his hip.

"Come into the back room, I've got some beers."

I go to follow Gob when I feel Cain tug the rags I wear as armor. He hasn't put his hands on me in nearly a year, maybe more. A familiar shudder of what I once felt for him runs down my spine. A part of me misses what we used to be, but I won't entertain that thought. Both of us know that time has come and passed.

"We don't have time to waste with this nonsense."

"What're you talking about? There's nothing we need to do, we only just got back."

"…This is nonsense. We have to get back into the Capital Wasteland."

"Why? What for?"

There's something he isn't telling me.

"We…have to find another way."

"Another way for what, Cain?"

Before he replies I see his gaze shift behind me.

"Cain, if you're tired, your home is still open. Ain't nobody slept there since you left. Felt it was needed outta respect to keep it vacant, in case you came back."

Gob tells us, and Cain nods.

"Alright. Dizzy, I'll meet you there when you're done here."

Cain turns to head out of the shop and return to our old home. A part of me wants to chase him, and ask him to finish what he was trying to stay. Instead I turn and go into the back room with Gob, familiar scents and sights filling my senses. It relaxes me, puts me at ease. My tense muscles begin to soften, and I realize how desperately I've missed home. How much I've longed for it. How much I lied to myself about missing it.

Gob hands me a beer, a mixture of disdain and worry across his face.

"I can tell things have changed. Are you two alright?"

There wasn't time for me to properly grieve after my parents' passed away, before Cain and I set off to find answers to questions we hadn't yet imagined. I don't know if Gob's referring to that, or if I'm trying to avoid the inevitable admittance that the wastes were just too much for us to overcome.

"…I don't know any more. When I left, I wasn't expecting…all of this to happen."

"Not many do, kiddo. It should have only taken six days to travel that far north. What kept you away for so long?"

"I don't know, honestly. It was like; everything that could have stopped us crossed our paths."

"Hm. Times changed since I went north. Before it was a straight line of highway you could drive, it only took hours. Walking paths were still around. But with the bombs, I'm guessing you couldn't take a direct route?"

I sip my beer and light a cigarette. A direct route? With all the cave-ins, rivers, and mountains of pre-war debris rotting in the way? No, there's no such thing as a direct route any more. Gob remembers simpler times. He's trying to skirt around the obvious.

"…Cain and I weren't able to last, like mom and dad were. We…we want to be apart now."

"That's impossible, though, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah we think so but, we're hoping to…find answers still. Somewhere. Anywhere."

Saying it aloud like that, saying it with words, and masking how I truly feel about it…it hurts. I thought after all this time I had come to terms with it. Accepted it and was moving on. But what you think in your head, what you feel with yourself, seems to be inaccurate with what you actually feel when saying it to another person. I guess I never had to face it head on before. Like I do now with Gob.

"I can't help you with that, kid. I don't know where to tell you to go, that you haven't already been. What happened? Three years, hell kid we thought you both had found home and settled down up there."

"There wasn't anything there. Maybe we didn't venture far enough into the Commonwealth. Hell, maybe we never truly made it, or went somewhere unrelated. I don't know. I just know we thought we were there, and it turns out, there was nothing. So we came back here. Everything wore on us, Gob. The travel, the enemies, the need to survive…it was all too much. I can't even…I can't begin to explain how it all happened. It just did. No one specific event caused it. It was a gathering of all events. It was everything piled up."

Taking another sip of my beer, I choke back feelings and emotions that I don't want any more. Those instances of regret, remorse and the desire to change and rebuild. That time is long gone. Like I said to Gob, I don't know when it ended, only that it did.

"Being out there kid, it changes people. That's what your parents tried to shield you from."

"If they hadn't…maybe it wouldn't have affected us as badly."

"Maybe. Or maybe it would have. We won't ever know."

"…Regardless, it did. And now I'm back here, in Megaton with more of a problem than I began with."

Gob sighs heavily at me. Shaking his head, he sits beside me and pats my head. Just like when I was younger, it brings me comfort, relaxes me. Sometimes as much as you hate and despise home, it's right where you need to be.

"Your mother and father weren't always perfect, either. They had their fair share of troubles, too."

"Gob, please stop comparing me to them. I'm not them. I just…I just want to find a way to free Cain. That way I can go and do what I please, and he can do the same."

"You should rest first before heading back out again. Find out where you want to be, where you need to get to in order to complete the tasks at hand."

"I know. I know, you're right."

"I have to put this little one to sleep. It's late for him. Zack and Jasper should be back in the morning. Why not come round then and see them? I won't send them your way; you don't need to be bothered right now."

"Where'd they go?"

"Trading in Rivet City."

"I see."

Finishing my beer, I give the empty bottle to Gob. We share a hug, warm and familiar. Boone smiles shyly at me, and I twist my face into something closest to a smile that I can muster. Whatever it is, it suffices, and I wave to Gob once more before leaving. It's surprising to me that my home was left empty this long, but, I can't expect much else from the residents here. My parents gave them a lot. They're not buried far from here, either. I could possibly pass by, and see how the statue the workers from the Pitt made is holding up. The quality of work they produce is phenomenal, which is why they're such a reliable source of trade.

Nearing my house, I figure Gob is right. I do need to figure out where I need to go first, so I can find my destination. Blindly going off into the wastes again with no real, concrete reason would leave me wandering aimless and confused, causing more problems than it solves. Spending a couple days in Megaton to replenish both my supplies and my own self won't put anything in danger. There's nothing to be done. Nothing has an end game, and there's no set 'mission' I need to complete. Unless, it's finishing the talk I was having with Cain in Gob's shack.


	4. This Lonely Game We Play

Inside my home, the familiar smells of family, of mom and dad, hit me like a ton of bricks. Emotions linger inside, the warm comfort and familiarity of what 'home' is, and was to me. A thin layer of dust from the wastes coats everything, but it's nothing that can't be easily fixed. It doesn't change how it feels in here. My childhood home. I need to stop lying to myself about how much I truly miss things.

"Dizzy, is that you?"

Cain calls down from upstairs. His voice reminds me of when we were growing up, searching for one another inside.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's me."

"I'm up on the roof, when you have a minute, we need to talk."

I know the talk. But hearing those 'we need to talk' statements always sends my stomach into a circus. Nothing good ever comes from that phrase. Not wanting to put it off longer, I head up to the rooftop where I spent many nights growing up. I would gaze out at the horizon and yearn for the wastes, for travel, and to see the world. I didn't know then how much it would drain from me. I really had no idea.

"Hey."

I say, pulling myself up from the trapdoor that leads to the roof. Cain sits on the sniping perch my father had once used, his eyes locked on the horizon.

"You spent a lot of time with Gob."

"Give me a break. It's been three years. I…had a lot I needed to say to him."

Which is a lie, I hardly said anything. But I needed the company. I needed assurance that somewhere in this world, someone missed me.

"We don't have time to sit and talk; there are other things more important."

"Like what? Can you fill me in on these 'secret missions'? We just got home and I don't know what you're blabbing about."

"We have to find a way to separate ourselves from one another."

Deep down I knew it would come to this. That one day this talk would happen. Inside, I thought I would be okay with it. I figured that when it did happen, I'd feel nothing, or I'd feel happy to know that lonely freedom is just around the corner. But instead I find there's a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I never did come to terms with it, and I knew that back at Gob's.

"…Yeah. How…how do you think we can?"

Against my efforts, my voice is shaken and cracked. Sitting down beside Cain, I sigh, and stare at the same horizon. It feels like I'm just a child again.

"I don't know. There has to be a way. They wouldn't have left soldiers bound to one person, for eternity. It would be too costly. There had to be a way to change the person a soldier was attached to. There would be too many variables at risk to _not_ have something like that. A protocol."

He's right. The compound my father was trained in, where Cain is from wouldn't let something they invested so much money into simply walk away when their partners passed on. Something would have been in place, even in theory, since Cain was the first one to integrate fully with the cloning and robotics merger. I know he's right, there's no doubt about it. It's just…I don't want to admit it.

Deep down, I knew and hoped and felt I was ready for this day. I dreamt of it, even longed for it. But now that it's here, and a reality, I'm unsure what to feel. Is this truly the end? If we find a way to part, will we ever see one another again? I'll be truly and utterly alone. A thought that I've toyed with, and something I've wanted for years but now that it's…about to happen, it's…terrifying. But is it the fear of change that's making me feel this way, or is it the fear of forever being alone? My parents are gone; Cain is the only one left.

"What do you want to do, then?"

I ask him, purposefully not looking up at him, despite wanting to. Three years, and this is the first time I've felt any regret for my actions. I was really stupid back then, and now I know it's past the point of fixing. Cain and I will part. There is no other option, or choice in the matter.

"We head to the compound, and see what we can dig up."

"But we've done that, and found nothing."

"It was their base of operations, Diz. We didn't look hard enough is all."

Yeah, again, he's right. There's no fighting it, and if I tried to, I'd be met with more confusing and warped emotions. Deep down, I know this is what I want. It's only the fear of change happening that's clouding my judgment.

"Let me rest. Then we can go tomorrow."

"Fine."

We sit in silence. The horizon is dark, with the moon rising overhead. The Washington Monument stands still in the distance, just as it did before we left, and just as it will for years after we're gone. For some strange reason, knowing that monument is there, and will always be there, gives me some reassurance. As if it's saying 'no matter how much changes, I will always be the same'. Yeah. Consistency. I like that.


	5. I Never Believed in Much

The next morning, I wake in my old bed to Cain standing at the end of it, a full pack at his feet.

"Cain..?"

I can't remember my dream. I just know it was something I never wanted to wake from. Dreaming has been that way since I first left Megaton, in search of the Commonwealth. Always the same feeling of warmth, comfort, and never wanting to leave. And always, I wake with the lingering feeling of wanting to stay.

"We have to go to the Citadel."

He's all business as I sluggishly sit up and get a grip on my surroundings. I remember that Zack and Jasper will be returning today, and that I want to see them.

"But I wanted to do some things before we left…did you really pack everything already? Did you sleep?"

"No."

His voice is cold, stern, and monotone. I know that I won't be able to convince him to stay, even if my intent to stay has nothing to do with him.

"I need new armor. Cain, I can't travel the wastes like this anymore."

Motioning towards my tattered armor, I light a cigarette. It's true. My armor is pretty much nothing more than loose rags that hang off me. It offers no protection from the elements, let alone the enemies we face.

"I've taken care of that."  
He reaches into my pack and tosses a pair of Badlands armor and shakes his head at me. He thinks I'm making excuses to stay. Maybe, in a way, I am. I'm terrified of being alone it seems, but that's a fear I have to fight, because it's the only thing I've wanted for years.

"Thanks."

Cain leaves the room so that I can change in privacy. In the moments of silence, as I look out my window to Megaton, I wonder where exactly it all went wrong. Where exactly, did Cain and I get this way, and is it possible to change? Do I want it to change? I don't know. Before returning home, I was dead set on being alone. On wandering and finding myself as a separate entity from him. But…am I more like my mother than I once imagined? My mother without my father was a broken, sad, lost person. Without my father, mom didn't seem to have a purpose. It wasn't so much codependency as it was love. She loved him, more than I've seen a woman love a man before. My dad was her other half, and the light that shined in his life. Even after I was born, it was the same.

Cain isn't that way for me, though is he? He and I have never been apart, unlike my mother and father. They had time to grow, to evolve, as people alone and a couple together. Mom? What advice would you give me right now, if you could?

"Are you ready?"

Cain's voice startles me. But I am almost ready.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm almost done."

What's wrong with me? I've wanted this for years. I've wanted to be alone, to find myself. It just seems so…terrifying now that it's a reality. I guess two years ago when it began creeping in, it was still a far ways away. Now that the day nears, fear sets in to try and keep me in my ways. But change only comes with discomfort, or so my mother used to tell me.

Emerging from my bedroom, I see Cain waiting at the top of the stairs. He's eager to go, but I have other plans. I'm not backing down from them. And I'm also not wearing the Badlands armor he brought me. I want something else, something better, something more…me.

"I want to see Zack and Jasper and hang around Megaton for a while. The compound isn't going anywhere. We're in no rush."

"I'm in a rush to begin my own path."

There's anger, and a bit of frustration in Cain's voice.

"You act like you were born with some average lifespan. There's time for your own life to begin. Right now, I need to continue mine."

"Dizzy…you're being illogical. You can return _after_ we go to the Citadel."

"There's no rush. It's a couple hours, I'm sure you'll survive."

Cain can't argue because I won't let him. He knows when I've decided upon something that there isn't turning back. Honestly I don't understand his rush. Being home after having been gone for such a long time…I just miss it. I just miss the sights, the sounds, the smells _everything_ about Megaton. Megaton was where I was happiest as a child, and miserable as a teenager. So many memories are wrapped up in this apocalyptic waste that it brings a comfort no other place in the world seems to bring. Home is where your heart is, and for too long I've been denying my heart is in Megaton.


	6. Gone Away

Leaving my house, memories flood me as I walk down the grassy worn path to the center, in the crater. Mom and dad used to tell me there wasn't grass here before. Mom would say because she's 'such a big, big awesome hero', that there's grass now. Dad would scoff and say that if it wasn't for some man named Fawkes, mom wouldn't be a 'big, big hero'. It makes me smile, to remember small instances. Like falling from the walkways, and having my dad nearly give himself a heart attack over a couple of broken bones. I think he was more scared to bring an injured child home to mom, though.

One time I tried to ride one of the Brahman we use for trades. It was only once, because apparently Brahman don't like small children climbing all over them. Many times in my childhood I scared mom and dad enough to shorten their lives. But, as always, Cain wasn't far behind. Always watching me, making sure he could keep me safe when dad was busy. Even now while we walk, he's behind me, watching me. But this time he's not protecting me because he wants to. He's doing it because without me, he'll die. Cain always loved me; we were raised as brother and sister. Now we're like strangers, tolerating one another's presence in hopes that there's an end in sight.

Smirking to myself and shaking my head, I remember how misunderstood we were. How taboo we thought it was before the discovery of 'raised as siblings, not siblings' came to be. I laughed about it a lot when our trip to the Commonwealth began. I felt I was going to burn in hell for having a crush on my 'brother'. Turns out, there's no real cardinal sin against being attracted to a handsome man who is around you constantly. Only, when there's a very convoluted and not-well-known backstory relating him to your father, there is. It's too complicated to think about these days, so I try my best not to. I guess, really, remembering the past Cain and I shared brings up too many painful and conflicting emotions. I know the path I'm supposed to be on, now. I have to stick to it.

"Dizzy, this is a waste of time."

Cain mutters as he follows me, as I'm leading the way to Gob's shop. I don't answer because I don't care. To me this isn't a waste of time. What was a waste of time was taking three years to get to the Commonwealth and back, finding nothing of what we were searching for. I mean, maybe it wasn't really a waste of time. There was a lot I learned in the time spent out there. But at the same time, was it really worth driving this much of a wedge between us? Was what I learned worth what I'm losing? I don't know any more, the answers to life's questions aren't easy, that's for sure.

Knocking on Gob's door, I wait for him to come open up shop. It's still early, the sun hardly high in the sky. Megaton. Looking around, at the expansion of the town, comfort falls over me. Dad would tell me before that Megaton was smaller, with steel walls built around it to keep others at bay. Invaders, Raiders, all those people with charming personalities were locked out. One day, they took the walls down. The grass began to grow, and the metal once used for walls was used for homes and trading stands. I've said it before, but right now, I realize how much I've missed it here. The farms, the grass, the slowly-expanding small oasis and taste of Eden, everything, I've missed it all. The people are friendly, and it looks like in my absence, nobody has tried to attack or harm Megaton. It could be due to the profitable trade it supplies, or maybe because of the legacy my parents' created. Either way I won't question it, but instead simply be happy that Megaton is a place I can live, where Gob and ghouls can live, peaceful and happy.

Eventually, I hear scuffling inside. A tired Gob greets me, and puts his finger to his lips.

"Boone is still asleep."

Gob whispers, and I nod as he steps aside to let Cain and I in.

"Cain, good to see you. You didn't hang around much yesterday."

"I have things to take care of."

I'm expecting Gob to be off-put by Cain's shot and hostile remark. Instead, he doesn't even flinch.

"Why don't you head off to take care of 'em then while I have a chat with Dizzy?"

Without a retort, Cain departs. I'm left out of a loop while the door quietly shuts behind Cain, and Gob shakes his head at me.

"…it's Charon for sure."

"What do you mean?"

I ask him, a bit concerned and more lost. Gob says nothing initially, only motioning me to follow him to the back of his shop where his living area is. I crave a beer, even though I know it's too early in the day and soon after I'll want to take a nap.

"Kid, mind shutting the door?"

I do as he asks, and notice a worried and sad look on his face. What could Gob possibly be sad about? Before I can ask, he starts talking.

"I've been thinkin' of your mom and dad lately. I still ain't adjusted to them being gone, and keep thinkin' they're gonna pop up yelling 'Surprise!' or somethin' like that. Like they always did. I just have to remind myself that, this time, there ain't no comin' back. No matter how strong or powerful or anything. But then you two come back here, and it put the fear of Atom in me."

"What do you mean? Is us coming home bad?"

Taking a seat across from Gob, I peer up at him. There's a knot in my stomach when he speaks of my parents like that. Often, I forget that before me, there was half a century or more where mom and dad spent time with Gob. That the time I did see was only a small fraction of their lives together. Mom and dad were with Gob when his wife was alive. Mom saved Zack, and dad has known Gob since before mom was even born. To Gob, losing my parents is like losing a part of his life. I understand how it still feels unreal to him. Once, or twice, mom ran away for five years. But she came back. Gob knew she would, because she always did. Only, nobody comes back from the dead.

"No. Kid, it ain't bad. It's…Cain. He's got…he's got the same look in his eye as Charon did, a long time before you were ever even an idea. Charon's look though…he only looked that way when the man lost everything. It's a look of unbridled rage and misery. Nobody could control him, and Charon was trained. Untrained men, android, like Cain…I worry."

"You're worried because he looks angry?"

"I'm worried because that boy is a war machine, without the discipline or training of Charon. Years ago, Charon came to me concerned that Cain was losing his mind because he had no objective. It was fixed, I don't know if you remember, but pairing him with you properly stifled his urges. But we both knew it was temporary. What happened out there, Diz?"

I'm not wholly sure what Gob's saying. I remember a time, when we got my parents' blessing to go to the Washington Monument and back, that Cain had flipped out. I didn't know it was something deeper than hormonal rage. At the time, I didn't know he was part-robot, either. There's still so much I don't know. About my mom and dad, Cain, even myself. I feel overwhelmed at the series of recent events, and a bit shaken by it. I know what Gob's saying is important, but I just can't understand.

"I don't know. I really don't. Cain wants to head to the Citadel Ruins today to figure out his own path. I mean, no. I mean we're…we're trying to find a way to be apart, for real, without risking Cain's life."

"You weren't kiddin' last night then, were you?"

"No. Cain…he's different. I don't know what's happening to him."

Gob and Barrows worked on Cain before we departed. He helped fix him, when Cain was unresponsive. Gob knows a bit more about Cain's inner workings than I ever could.

"I wish I could help. I can only advise you that parting isn't the way to fix this. Cain…is unstable. Perhaps not having training to learn how to handle things is wearing him down. If you ask Char-"

Gob doesn't finish his sentence. He stops, and looks at the ground sadly. A few tears drop from his eyes.

"Sorry kid. I just, keep expecting them to show up."

When my parents died, Gob never really grieved. He did, but the news was negated by the fact that Zack and Jasper were with child. His emotions were conflicting, and he chose to celebrate new life rather than grieve death. In a way, I think these past three years, he's just kept himself hidden in denial. That somehow mom and dad will come back and things will resume as normal. That one day, he won't have to wake up dealing with the reality his two best friends have passed on. But it isn't a dream, and that's not the reality we live in. My parents are gone; Gob just can't see it through the hurt. Against my logical reasoning, and telling myself not to, I feel a few tears stray down my face.

"…I miss them too."

I say to him, for the first time in three years acknowledging the pain. It's easy to tell yourself you're over a death. It's easy to keep going, to put it aside for later. I was away for three years, and being away, on my own…it made me miss and respect mom and dad so much more. Mom and dad, they were really great people. Sure, back in the day I was a brat. I've no real excuse for my behavior and outbursts towards them, but they loved me. They loved me and cared for me and did all they could to protect me. They were my parents, and I wish they could have guided me on my trip to the Commonwealth, or been here upon my return to help me figure these emotions and conflicts out. But, I guess I've gotten what I always wanted: to be alone.

Gobs arms wrap around my shoulders, a clumsy hug on his part. I put my face into his chest, and for a few minutes we cry silently together. Maybe it's something we just both needed. Maybe you never really move on from losing your loved ones, it just gets easier to deal with.

In the middle of our moment, we hear the door to the shop swing open and hit the wall. Not in a violent way, the door was always loose. But customers arrived, and Gob having to make a living, having to support himself and keep Megaton running properly, lets go of my shoulders. He wipes my dirty cheek with a rough palm and forces a smile.

"Your dad wouldn't be happy, if he knew you were sad."

No. Dad wouldn't be happy if he knew I was sad. He'd be upset that I wasn't living in the way I want to live. He'd be angry that I feel so hopeless about my future, and so worried about what'll happen next. But dad, and mom, they'd understand. They really would understand all that I'm feeling, and offer words of comfort, and some advice, even.

Following Gob to the front of the store, faces fresh dry, I see faces I don't recognize. Gob sees the look of confusion on my face as the small group looks at Gob's inventory and debates on what they need, versus what they want.

"In the three years you've been gone Megaton made word for itself. We've got more settlers, and triple the amount of travellers passing through. Most are from New Vegas. The old faces are still around, but you're gonna have to go down into the Hole to see 'em."

The Hole, I can only guess, is the center of Megaton where a bomb had fallen but not detonated. Before it was just 'below Megaton' and 'above Megaton', but I'm assuming with the increase of people over the past few years, it needed another name. People farm and live up the sides of the Hole still, and out past the boundaries that I was told once existed. The Hole is still the playground my father built, the clinic, and a few dingy bars. The people who've been here longest like it down there. I can't tell you why.

"Megaton has grass, farms, something not seen in three-hundred years, or more, Gob."

He didn't need me to say what he already knew. But with that I wave goodbye, as the group of people demand his attention and his business officially opens for the day. I'm not mad as I leave his shop, nor am I worried as to where Cain may be. Instead, I find myself silently and contently wandering Megaton. My eyes see old faces, new faces, travellers and settlers. Although only a short time has passed, it feels like forever since I've been home. Home, to the one place I've always wanted to get away from.

But there's a strange and calming peace to being at home. A feeling that really can really only be understood by those brave enough to have left. Sure, I didn't leave for as long as my mother, and my travels and trials in the Wastes pale in comparison to hers, but, to me it's been enough. All I want now, is the same I wanted before: to find my path in life.

"Dizzy?"

Standing in front of the old saloon, I look below me and see Cain on the lower level. His expression is stern, uncaring, cold. It's the same expression I've gotten used to seeing, the same one i don't expect to change. In that sense, maybe it's become sort of comforting to me.

"Are you done? Can we go now?"

Impatient. But no, I don't want to go yet. I don't want to leave, at least not now. We just got here, and for the first time I feel at ease. I know it's a fleeting feeling, but I just don't want it to end.

"I don't want to just yet. Can we stay just a few more days?"

Instead of answering me, I watch Cain make his way up to the third level, where I'm standing at the old saloon.

"Dizzy, why do you want to stay? We need to go, _I_ have to go."

"The Citadel Ruins aren't going anywhere. They'll be there tomorrow, and the next day. I'm staying. I'm not going, but you can go without me if you want to."

Both of us know that Cain going alone is impossible. He'd die within a day, or at least cease to function. I can't explain why I feel the need to stay here in Megaton. Why I feel the way I do or any logic surrounding it. Maybe though, after three years of wandering, I want to stay still even if it's for a few days.

"You know goddamned well I can't leave for the ruins without you."

"I'm staying. Cain look, I'm not saying we won't go, I'm saying I just want to rest, just for a little bit."

"Stop prolonging the inevitable. It's better to go and get it over with now."

"I'm not prolonging anything other than a good night's rest.

It's still early in the day, and we rested well last night. Cain knows just as well as I that I'm just making excuses to stay here in Megaton. After travelling for so long, is it such a horrible thing to ask to stay put, even for a little while?

"You'll regret this."

It isn't a threat, it's a statement. Cain thinks some world-ending event will happen if we don't venture off _right now_. With all the new faces in Megaton, the new development, I just want to stay and scope everything out. My home is changing, and soon it won't be the home I remember. I just want to take it all in before it's unrecognizable.

"Add it to my list of regrets, then."

The list isn't very long, mostly pertaining to how I treated mom and dad, and some unwise choices that affected Cain and I. Regardless, I can't go back in time to change anything that I've done. Instead of adding to my list, I choose to walk away from Cain, to continue to explore Megaton and the sprawling creation it's becoming. It's not just a hole-in-the-ground town any more. It's turning into a major trade route and establishment. Maybe it could even rival Rivet City one day in importance.


	7. Time are Changing

As the morning sun climbs slowly higher and higher, I walk around Megaton and look halfheartedly for Zack and Jasper. I haven't seen them since I returned, and last night Gob said they'd be back in the morning. Wherever they went is unknown to me, but I want to see them. It's like, a bubble of excitement and familiarity has welled inside ready to burst. Only, it can't burst until I see them. It's almost exhausting feeling so many different emotions after a year of feeling nothing but empty. It's a change I'm more than happy to have, too.

No sign of Zack, or Jasper as of yet. I've walked around the top of Megaton and looked down into the Hole countless times, but they still easily could have been missed. Between the Brahmin, the uncanny density of people, new homes and shops, it's easy to get distracted. Somewhere between my home and near the top of the old saloon, I took off my boots to feel the soft grass between my toes. It's soft, a bit moist, and refreshing. I haven't found another place quite like home in my small travels, and honestly I don't think there is a place like it in the world.

"Dizzy!"

Someone calls my name behind me. A woman. The bubble inside of me that was welling with excitement overflows and bursts when my eyes lay on Jasper. Her long hair flows behind her as she rushes towards, and I notice her skin is significantly darker than it was when I left. Trading life sheltered in a brothel for a life outside changed more than just her looks, I just know it.

"Jasper!"

I cry as I open my arms to embrace my old friend. Our relationship has always been off/on and very tumultuous, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate her presence in my life. It doesn't mean I haven't missed her. The feel of her squeezing me tightly brings back all the old happiness I once had when we were close. It brings back emotions, sensations, the kind you get from seeing an old friend for the first time in years. Which is exactly what's happening now.

Pulling apart, we grip each other's forearms in excitement. She wears a field hand outfit, most commonly seen in New Vegas. The satchel is filled with lumpy items, and there's some old stimpaks and Rad Away in one of the front pocket. If I didn't know her before, I'd say she's been a traveller for a long time. Like everything she wears, the outfit flatters her appearance.

"Dizzy it's been so long! Gob said you got back last night, I just can't believe you're here!"

She hugs me again. Her voice reminds me of what my father once described to me as 'honey'.

"I know, I've missed you, everyone, so much."

"We've missed you too. How was it? What's it like outside of the Capital Wasteland? Did you find what you needed? Was the Commonwealth as amazing as people are claiming? Are they truly rebuilding?"

Before I left, the rumors of the Commonwealth were that it was a flourishing society of the greatest minds. That slowly, the close-knit cities of the past would be rebuilt and once again it would have the importance it once did in pre-war times. But, what I found wasn't the same utopia that everyone here thinks exists. I want to tell her the truth, but I don't want to hurt her dreams. I don't want people to think the only two areas in this country are New Vegas and the Capital Wasteland. There has to be more out there, I know it. I just, somehow missed it when I left.

"Actually, I think Cain and I got lost, somehow. We never made it to the Commonwealth. But, it was a lot of fun and exciting. I mean, I don't intend to do it again anytime soon or anything like that of course."

Her face flashes with disappointment before reappearing again.

"You…never made it to the Commonwealth? So, you don't know what's up there?"

"No, I'm sorry Jasper. I wish I could tell you it all existed and it's more wonderful than you can imagine, but Cain and I never made it."

The red haze of the Commonwealth flashes in my mind. I don't know myself, if I truly made it there. I remember I saw a large, worn sign saying 'Massachusetts Welcomes You', but in the haze and thickness, I very well could have imagined it. After all, 'Massachusetts' is a strange name for a pre-war state.

"Then, it could still exist."

I don't know the importance the Commonwealth has for Jasper. To be honest it was only ever discussed as a way for Cain and I to find the answers to the questions we had. It wasn't anything more than that. To Jasper, though, it seems like it means the world.

"Yeah. I mean, just because I didn't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. I'm rather oblivious to a lot of things, anyways. But come on, tell me how you've been?"

We begin to walk together back towards my home as I painfully try to change the subject.

"I can't really complain, Dizzy. Jack and I have a son now, and when we can step away from Megaton we meet halfway with some traders from Rivet City. A lot of people from New Vegas and California Republic have come here. Zack is trying to train more guards for the town, and I do my best to keep the peace with trading routes. It's boring, uneventful family and politicking life. You and Cain have it way easier."

I wish I could admit that we do. But a boring and mundane life of trading and guarding seems like a lot more relaxing than wandering the wastes with someone you hardly speak to.

"I guess. Hey, how's motherhood anyways?"

Another sad attempt to change the subject. By the look on Jasper's face, I can tell life out here drains her. She looks well, but, something's amiss.

"It's fine. Boone is a handful, mostly he stays with Gob while Zack and I do our jobs. It's too troublesome for a baby to be in the wasteland."

"Probably explains why you don't find any out there."

She chuckles a bit at me, and sighs dreamily.

"I miss New Vegas sometimes. I never knew life out here would be so much more difficult than it was in the casino. I guess I'm just used to being pampered. Even after this long, I still wake up and think someone will offer to bring me a hot drink in bed, or some aged alcohol with a strange name. It takes me a while to remember where I am."

It's not my concern what's wrong with Jasper. As much as I'd like to help, there's more pressing matters on my mind. Selfish ones, but, I can't spend my time trying to solve everyone's issues, or I'll lose sight of my own. All I can do for her is listen, and hope that she finds happiness with whatever she chooses to do.

"And Zack? How's he? How are you two holding up?"

"Fine. We do normal, relationship-type things. We eat and sleep together, leave during the day to work, and return at night to care for Boone before waking the next morning and doing it once more."

Routine gets to Jasper. But not just any routine, the family routine. She misses the flashiness of the strip, and the 'sleep all day, party all night' lifestyle nobody can resist over there. I wish I missed it, but, I never found it comparable to home, really. I've been away for so long, but when I came back I didn't expect there to feel like there were still miles separating me from the only people I knew and felt familiar with. Walking with Jasper, I realize she's a stranger to me now. While her life has changed drastically since having a child, my life of reckless abandon has stayed the same, give or take. Our paths and responsibilities are vastly different, and I wonder if I'll feel the old closeness I used to have with her.

"I see. Jasp, it really sounds like you have a pretty decent life. I mean, you were really happy when I left. You got to start a family and all that."

"It's alright."

It's uncomfortable as we approach my house. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. Her disconnect from everything seems to mirror the situation Cain and I are in. Only, deep down, I think I still love Cain. I know I do. We spent so much time together that…to finally be alone would be a scary thing. Change itself is scary. I wanted to be alone for so long, but now I see that 'alone' meant 'go off for a day without Cain and not worry'. Not, 'rid yourself of Cain forever'. There isn't any turning back now, though.

"Dizzy, your arm is warm."

Jasper's bare forearm had brushed mine, and unknown to me, my arm began showing the faint green glow when I emit radiation. When I get too distracted or lost in my mind, I forget that it can seep out. Slowly, the green dissipates, and Jasper looks at me.

"Huh."

She grunts, as if she's forgotten that I can do something like that. It isn't an easy thing to forget, really.

"What? Are you still nervous about it?"

Jasper never fully accepted or liked my ability, but it isn't something I can really help.

"No, just, forgot I guess. Glowing Ones without the ghoul exterior."

It comes off as snappy to me, but I've no time to dispute it. Jasper bids me farewell, mentioning something about newcomers and population issues as she dreamily walks away. Another time, I'll try to pry into her mind, figure out what's changed with her. For now I realize that I'd forgotten how old and tattered my armor is. I should invest in something new, if Cain wants to drag me out to the Ruins soon.


	8. Hand in Unlovable Hand

He and I meet up with one another while I'm heckling a trader from the Mojave. I have my eye on some Gecko-backed leather armor but I'm a few caps short of his asking price.

"Do you not see how torn up I am? Can you not visibly see my body through these holes? You cannot logically tell me you won't sell me this armor over _three caps_."

"Three caps and no items to trade with, miss."

His Brahman groans impatiently and I roll my eyes.

"I just got back from up north; can you just cut me a deal? Would you rather me walk around naked? No. Wait. Don't answer that. "

Cain reaches over my shoulder and hands the caravan owner the remaining caps. I hadn't intended to ask, or need his help.

"There isn't a price you can put on having your goddamned mouth shut."

Cain says as he begins to lead me back home. Armor in hand, I stick my tongue out at the caravan-man. I know Cain will use this against me later, furthering his budding ideas that I'm still a reckless and irresponsible child.

"Hopefully with that new armor you'll be ready to head to the Ruins a lot sooner."

Ignoring him comes easy enough; I've been doing so for three years now. But I notice that he repaired his armor, rather than simply buying a new set. We make it home in silence, the same pattern we've had for years. Somehow, it's comforting now. At least one thing is consistent, despite Megaton and everyone around me changing at an alarmingly fast rate. It was ignorant of me to think I could come home and have everything be the same though, huh?

Changing into my new leather armor the second we walk in the door is a huge relief. I had forgotten what fresh boots on my feet felt like, or what the touch of actual armor adorning my body was. To be honest, it reminds me a lot of dad. He wore leather armor, too. Only, his was custom. This is just lined with Gecko, so it's a bit better than normal leather armor. Regardless, I feel a bit of pain in my chest when I realize he won't be able to see me in it. To see me in the armor, pretending to play grownup, just like him.

"I saw Jasper today."

I holler, opening the front door to the house. It's nice and relaxing to see the horizon. Leaning in the door-frame, I heat my body up, emitting small radiation bursts that heal me, warm me, and test to see my armor's durability. The leather gets hot against my skin, but doesn't melt or stick to it. I'll have to take it out tonight when the radscorpions are abundant, and test it in a fight. After all, blowing up my childhood home to test my armor capacity with radiation isn't on my 'List of Things for Dizzy to Do'.

"How is she?"

Cain says, disinterested while he walks down the stairs. He notices the green undertone of my face as I calm down with the radiation, but says nothing about it.

"Weird. Different. Megaton is different, everything is different."

"It's changed."

"Yeah, I don't like it. Jasper is weird and all, I dunno. She just hates everything. She seems depressed and it's really bumming me out."

Trying to have a normal conversation with Cain is a lot harder than I remember. My words are forced and there's tension in my words and tone.

"No reason to stay and linger longer then. You saw Jasper. We should begin our journey to the Ruins soon."

This again. I just want time to process everything.

"I just wish you'd let me relax. I've been gone three years, everything I knew is different. I haven't asked you for much in our travels, but I'm asking for this. I'm not trying to manipulate you into staying. I'm just trying to get my head on straight."

"You act as if my life hasn't changed either."

Cain's words are mean and bitter, but he takes off like Jasper. Once he's feeling energized again, he tries to distance himself from me. It's been that way for a while. On our way home, he'd pop up from some distant direction, make sure I was safe, and then run off again. He wasn't very far, after all he has to make sure I don't die, or else he'll die.

His words had spite in them though. I can't imagine he'd be upset over the course of his life. Sure, being bound to someone is never a fun thing, but Cain was happy once. He took on the responsibility with pride and admiration, almost. Wandering away from my house and towards the horizon, I wrack my brain to figure out what Cain could possibly mean by that sentence. His life has changed, as has mine, is he upset by that? Is he upset that he will leave my side soon, if there's a way? Or maybe he's just…uncomfortable with change? Change is scary, but I won't entertain the thought in my head that Cain wants to stay with me. He's made it clear that isn't the case, and I can't give myself false hope. Although, Gob did say he was worried about him. A machine. Cain, at the end of the day, will be a machine with no objective once we part ways. What effect will that have on the Capital Wasteland?

Stepping from my house, anger rushes at me as I watch him walk into the crowd of people that populate Megaton. Our entire lives together, and the past three years flash in my mind. Happy times, good memories, all tossed aside because three years parted us in the worst way.

"I hope you die!"

I shout to him thinking he won't hear me. But he does. He does, and he turns back to me. With the people swarming between us, busy with their lives, we lock eyes. I hope he blinks before me, as we stare one another down, my heart pounding in my chest. I hope I get hurt and it bleeds all day long. I hope that the world ends right now. I hope the worst is still yet to come. Tears fill in my eyes, and I hope for the strength to break the stare and turn away. I haven't cried in three years. I haven't cried from anger, from sadness, from anything not even boredom, yet here I am. Crying.

Effortlessly, Cain walks through the crowd of people towards me. Gritting my teeth in anger, I feel the radiation bubble and light inside of me. He stands in front of me and with all my effort and strength I put my hands on his chest and shove him back.

"I hope you die! I hope we both die!"

Cain doesn't try to fight me off as my body glows faint green, as angry tears fall down my face and the emotions I can no longer contain come flooding out.

"You're the worst! You're insufferable and I hope when you find your freedom you stay the hell out of my way!"

He's emotionless through my rant, and it pisses me off even more.

"I hope we both die you bastard!"

Shoving him once more, I turn and rush towards the wastes. I don't care where I'm going. I don't care where I end up. I just need to run away from him. Run away and stay for as long as I possibly can. Three years together, and we couldn't do it. We couldn't survive it, and nothing hit me till now. We couldn't survive, we couldn't endure, and all that we had created together is thrown away. The anger forces me to run despite my legs crying out in pain. Despite knowing I eventually have to venture back. I don't want to go back. I don't know what I want any more. I don't know who I'm angrier at, myself or Cain.

When my legs no longer want to carry me, I fall to my knees and cry loudly while pounding the ground with my fists. This far out from Megaton, there's no grass, and my palms scrape on small rocks stuck in the compacted dirt. It feels everything we've done was for nothing. Like my time was better spent smashing rocks with a hammer. What was all of it for? What else could either one of us had done differently to change the outcome? How…how could we become this?

My hands throb in pain, and I have no energy to heal myself. Maybe, I simply don't want to. Slouching over on my knees, I stare blankly ahead of me. The sun casts shadows from the rocks, trees, and destroyed structures from the past. Empty tears drip from my cheeks, and my armor feels heavier than I'm used to. I'm alone, and I keep half-expecting to hear Cain's heavy footsteps behind me. But even if he had followed me, what could he say? What would he say? If he had asked to start again, would I truly want to?

From the Commonwealth to D.C., we walked, and wore ourselves down. We're tired, we're angry, and all I wanted was to be held, and told that it'd be alright. That the answers we sought would be found, and that somehow, we'd make it out together. Cain promised he'd always be beside me a lifetime ago. But, I've been alone for a while now. It's nothing to cry about but, I just…I just can't help it any more. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know whatever it is, it hurts.


	9. We're Just the Same

Wiping my face, I make no effort to stand, or head back to Megaton. Even as a cool breeze brushes my back, it doesn't drive me to get up and return. In the distance, heavy footsteps venture closer. It could be anybody, but there's no energy to look. There's no want to look. There's nothing I want more than to ignore everything and sit here. I'm not sure what it'll accomplish, but it's what I want. It's just easier to wallow in self-pity than swallow my pride and go to the Citadel Ruins. I should have known in the back of my mind that this trip would end horribly. I should have, but I didn't. I miss the feel of his hand in mind, and the security of being held. I missed the sweet nothings and the nightly, overly-long talks that flooded us in the beginning of our trek to the Commonwealth. I miss Cain, and missing someone is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt. I'd rather be shot, to be honest. At least my radiation can heal a bullet. I'm not sure how it'll fare against emotional pain.

"Are you alright, Miss?"

A voice behind me causes me to jump to my feet. Heart racing, I reach for my gun, before realizing I left it at home. Shit. Taking off in such a fury, I had no time to think logically.

"It's alright; I'm not going to hurt you."

Looking at the source of the voice, I find that words don't want to work for me right now. Before me stands a man, a ghoul. But, he glows. He glows a green like the glowing ones in the subway system. His voice isn't guttural or raspy, like my father's, or Gob's, or any of the ghouls in my life. His voice is smooth, echoing and reminding me of a Robobrain or Mr. Handy. Behind him, the early afternoon sun lights him up. His torn brown suit does little to hide the brightness of his body. A brightness that could equal mine. A glowing ghoul, a non-feral glowing ghoul. It shocks me out of my slump.

"Who…who are you?"

I ask quizzically, curious, intrigued.

"My name is Jason. Jason Bright. Are you alright? Why are you out here unarmed?"

It takes every ounce of my self-control to not reach out and touch him. To not rejoice and shout and exclaim loudly that I've found someone. I've found someone like me. Someone I had no idea I was truly looking for until now.

"Jason? Where are you from? What're _you_ doing out here?"

He seems to relax a bit, though he steps back. I realize it's because I'm leaning forward, trying to look and examine him closer. I've never met a non-feral glowing one. I've never met someone who could do what I do, and still act normal. Still keep their mind from going feral, and succumbing to the large amounts of radiation intertwined with their DNA.

Dad said before the Great War, radiation was a dangerous thing. Before ghouls, before the Capital Wasteland, before any of it all came to be, radiation was feared and well-respected. If you were exposed to high doses of it, your skin would wane off, your cells wouldn't regenerate. It was a slow, painful, inevitable death. A big difference, to what it is now. Sure, it can still kill people, either quickly or slowly, but nothing compared to what it was before.

But before me, stands a ghoul, man, with the same condition as myself. The same glowing compounds, the same spike in radiation, the same everything. He's seemingly sane, and I find a strange calmness surrounding him. The pain in my chest from Cain seems to numb a small fraction. The anger I felt when running from Megaton seems like it was left somewhere else. Like right now, that anger doesn't matter as much as it once did.

"My people and I are looking for the Far Beyond. Our journey has led us here."

Far Beyond? It's no place I've never heard of. But just because I've never heard of it, doesn't mean it can't exist.

"Far Beyond? What's that?"

Jason smiles at me, the echoes of his voice still vibrate in my head. It's not uncomfortable. Instead, I feel a bit…relieved. I'm not sure how to explain it.

"Walk with me, we can talk."

Jason says to me, and it doesn't cross my mind to ask where exactly he's headed. I want to talk with this person more, though my parent's words of trusting strangers in the Wasteland, and how not to do such a thing, rings loudly. Around Jason, as we begin to walk towards Megaton, I see camouflaged people, ghouls, come from the dirt. Their clothing matches the Wasteland colors so well; I hadn't noticed they were hiding in plain sight. It impresses me, and I store this information for later. Six ghouls come out, and walk a short distance behind Jason and myself. I don't need to see their faces, to know that they're suspicious of me, just as I am suspicious of them. It's only Jason that I'm walking with, not them. Only Jason I'm intent on getting to know.

"Your followers?"

I ask, motioning to the six behind us. He nods, glancing back.

"Yes. These are my people. They came with me, from New Vegas."

"Oh? I stayed in New Vegas a while, mainly the strip. I didn't see or hear of you."

"No, you wouldn't have. My people and I kept to ourselves, hidden in the REPCONN test site. People, humans, do not take as kindly to us, as you have."

I smirk, if Jason only knew.

"What made you leave?"

"…My people and I search for Far Beyond. A place, where ghouls are welcome, accepted. Treated as equals. A land that is away from this world. Initially, we had intended to leave this world, ready for another. The rockets were prepared to go, to launch."

I don't ask if he intended to go to space, to literally another world, or if it was a suicide mission. I have a nagging feeling whatever the answer; it wouldn't sit well with me.

"What happened?"

"The woman helping us clear the demons in the basement, so that we could launch the rockets, convinced me that it wasn't a safe thing to do. To launch ourselves into the unknown. She said the plan wouldn't work, and that it would only harm my followers. She spoke of a place here on the east coast, which would accept us. That such drastic measures didn't need to be taken. Despite knowing the rockets were our only option, I listened to this woman. She had a soft kindness in her eyes that nobody before had shown me. I trusted her not to lead me astray."

I wonder if that woman was mom? It wouldn't surprise me. Mom's always doing random acts of uncharacteristic kindness. Especially when it came to ghouls.

"How long ago was this?"

"Decades now, young one. I am far older than you see."

Megaton begins to shine on the horizon. While I expected the anger to come flooding back, instead I feel hope. Hope is strange to feel, after being lost in such confusion and despair for so long.

"Decades? Longer than I've been alive then, I guess?"

"Hm. Perhaps. I would say so, yes. Why?"

Jason looks at me; he glows even in the sun. It's Jason that gives me hope. I can't explain how or why he does. Only that he does, and I'm thankful for that.

"Just curious. I'm no stranger to old age, Jason. Or ghouls. In fact, I think I know where your Far Beyond may be."

Smirking at him, I point to Megaton's silhouette as we slowly move closer to it.

"That's my home, Megaton. We've got grass, and crops, and a healthy trade. It's grown over the years from a sleepy town to a bustling center. But it's my home. It's where I was born, and where my friends were born. Where my mom and dad lived and where Dr. Barrows and Nurse Graves research health and medical advancements. Gob has his shop set up there. Zack, his son, is sheriff. There's little conflict, and lots of resources."

Jason seems impressed by Megaton, and I notice his followers listening to my words. His expression, though approving, turns questionable and when he turns to meet my eyes, I notice beneath the familiar film all ghouls have, his eyes are also blue. Like mine. Like Cain's. Like my father's.

"It sounds like a wonderful place. But what does it have to do with Far Beyond?"

"A place where ghouls are equals. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes, a place with no bigotry. But we don't feel that place is here in the Wasteland."

"Well, then why'd you walk all the way here?"

Jason is puzzled, and he has every right to be. As we walk I've purposefully kept vague about Megaton. I can't tell you why. Maybe I just enjoy the games and conversation. Maybe the prospect of helping someone find where they belong humors and inspires me. Probably because I'm still searching for where I belong, too.

"Perhaps the Far Beyond is also beyond the reaches of the wasteland."

"Or maybe, just on the other end. My father, Gob, the doctors, they're ghouls in Megaton. I mean, Graves and Barrows sort of go-between Rivet City and Megaton, but still. In Megaton, there's no ghoul bigotry. I'm sure some people are, but they're not dumb enough to admit it. Zack is Gob's son. The last thing you want to do is insult the sheriff of the town you're living in."

Jason and his followers stop walking. They stare at me like I've told them I'm about to bomb their world. I mean, metaphorically maybe I did, but noticing the Plasma Defender strapped to his hip, I wonder if I've said something I shouldn't. I'm not armed, and this man is also a glowing one. I've no way to defend myself, if it turns out he's a lunatic with a cult following. Maybe I should have listened to the whole 'don't trust strangers in the wastes' thing. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Carefully, I take a step back from Jason. If he decides to send his cohorts after me, I want to be able to get at least half-way back to Megaton before I get hurt.

"Do you speak the truth?"

Jason asks me, his eyes pleading for an honest answer.

"Yeah. I do. I've got no reason to lie to you."

"Ghouls…we cannot have children."

"I mean, yeah in New Vegas you can't. But here, I'm thinking Dr. Barrows has a pill for everything."

I really wish I was joking with that last statement. But sincerely, there's little Barrows cannot do, or find a pill or cure for. His intelligence and determination for ghoul health is astounding. I respect him immensely for it. After all, if not for him, I wouldn't have ever been born.

Skepticism falls upon not only Jason, but his followers. I'm sure it'd be believable if I didn't have an undertone of sarcasm in my voice. It's a character flaw I have to fix, but haven't been really trying to.

"No, you have to believe me. It's true. My mom she was a human, but I mean, radiation healed her. My dad, he was a ghoul. A pre-war ghoul."

Why does it matter if these religious fanatics believe me or not? Why do I suddenly care if they come home with me? They aren't anything to me. They aren't my friends, we've only just met. But yet, here I am, trying to find a way to convince a glowing one and his people that Megaton is everything they've been dreaming of, and maybe more. I'm trying to convince them, mostly Jason, to call my home their Far Beyond. Maybe…finding someone just like me makes me want to keep them in my life. Finding a person who on face value is exactly like I am hidden beneath my surface, means more to me than even I know. Than I ever once dreamt. I never knew I was searching for someone like me until I ultimately found them.

Still though, Jason looks to his followers for answers. In the same fashion, they stare back at him. He's their leader. He should have the answers they seek, shouldn't he? Without thinking I tear off my fingerless gloves, unbuckle the belt that holds my jacket at my waist, and unzip my jacket to show my collarbone.

"Jason, please, look and believe me."

I grab his hands, which at first makes him jump. But inside I feel the warmth of my own radiation. And soon it fills my body, my skin starts to glow just as bright as his, and my armor warms up. My feet inside my boots begin to sweat, and the leather lets off a familiar smell of the Mojave Wasteland. A smile spreads across my face as our eyes meet, and his fingers wrap around my hand. The only way I can tell our glowing hands apart, is by the difference in skin textures.

"See? I'm just like you. We're the same."

Jason's eyes are wide with wonder, and fill with questions. He looks at my chest, my neck and face. He sees that I can glow. He feels the radiation on me, as I can feel it on him.

"You…you're also a glowing one? But you're not a ghoul…"

"My father was a ghoul. My mother was impervious to radiation. It healed her. I'm the same way. All of what I said was true, Jason, you have to believe me. Your Far Beyond is no further than Megaton."

Jason's followers approach me in wonder. The hoods that hide their faces are removed, and they stare at me as I glow. Though I feel exhaustion creeping in, I start to tone it down a bit.

"I get really tired if I use too much too fast, though."

I say sheepishly, and let go of Jason's hands. Though, my skin is warm where his fingers wrapped around my palms.

"Then take us to Megaton. Take us to the Far Beyond. I'm not convinced they're one in the same, but a safe place to rest, and rebuild, would be wonderful for us. Are you currently staying in Megaton too?"

"Yeah. I am. Come on, I'll lead the way. I'll show you around, get you everything you need."

I grab Jason's wrist and joyfully drag him towards my home. My home. Megaton. I can't wait to show them, that I've found someone. I've found someone who is just like me. I've found someone who glows, too. Sure, he rules a cult but, don't you think I could, too? No. No that's bad. I have a tendency to go mad with power so I'll do my best to stray away from cults and becoming the leader of one. But, I can't make any surefire promises.


	10. Fire and Madness

As always, my house is the first thing I see when nearing Megaton. But this time, there's a figure in front of it. I know who it is, and I drop Jason's wrist from my hand. I hadn't noticed I was still holding it, until I realized Cain could see me. My heart begins to beat a little harder and the familiar anger and discomfort return in my chest. Cain begins to walk towards me, and Jason picks up on subconscious cues.

"A friend?"

He asks, and I shake my head while trying to hide the terrified tone in my voice. Why am I so nervous?

"No. Not for a long time."

"Where did you go?"

Cain says to me as we meet. Cold, uncaring, monotone. His eyes aren't filled with worry, his face is set in stone. As usual, there's no emotions. A t least, none that I can read.

"For a walk."

He glances behind me at the seven ghouls, one of them glowing.

"Who are these people?"

"My friends. They're my friends."

"He's a glowing one."

"…He's just like me. His name is Jason."

Cain shows expression when I say Jason and I are the same. As if something in his mind connects. It stays only for a fleeting moment on his face, but I know it's there. He pays them no more mind or care, and grabs my bare hand.

"You seven head to the workshop in the center of town. Gob's shop. You can't miss it. I need to speak to her."

"I never caught your name."

Jason says before heading towards Gob's shop, which very obviously has GOBS written on a large sign in front.

"I never told you. It's Dizzy."

Jason puts his hand out to me, and I shake it. Warmth, not normal warmth, the warmth and comfort radiation brings. I return the favor, and my hand glows.

"I'll see you soon, Dizzy."

He and his followers part from me, vanishing into the crowd of Megaton where nobody gives them a second glance. Cain holds fast to my arm, his grip tighter than I remember.

" _Where_ did you go? How did you meet those people?"

Pulling from him, I take my arm back and start to put my gloves back on.

"I went for a walk. I met them in the Wasteland. It's none of your business."

"You could have been killed. Do you even have a weapon on you? No, you don't, because I found it in the house."

"I'm fine, it's no big deal. Even if I was, it wouldn't have mattered. Not to you."

"It…would have."

"Only because you need me to live."

He doesn't deny or argue it. I glare at him, if I could shoot angry daggers from my eyes right into his face, believe me I'd be doing it.

"Don't glare at me because of your incompetence."

"Whatever. I should head to Gob's and help Jason. I don't think they've ever been in a safe place before."

Once again, Cain grabs me to prevent me from leaving.

"What importance do they have to you? Did they save you?"

"No. Let me go and stop it. I told you we could go to your stupid ruins soon enough."

"What importance do they have, Dizzy?"

"…Jason is just like me. He's _just_ like me, Cain. I didn't even know another 'me' was out there. But there is. And you have no clue how much it means to me."

"Why?"

I don't know. I can't explain it. But I know saying that will only have Cain laughing at my 'incompetence' even more.

"You can't say. Be cautious, Dizzy. You won't have me around to save you much longer."

"…I don't care. I can save myself."

"Bringing home seven strange ghouls doesn't exactly prove that."

"How? I made a friend. I found someone just like me! I found someone…someone who knows what it's like! Someone who-"

"Was made for you?"

His words stop my sentence short.

"…No, Cain. Someone who can understand the feeling of being able to make yourself explode if you wanted to die badly enough. Someone who understands what it's like to feel different and isolated from the world. Someone who can empathize and relate to me."

"Right."

No more words. No more talking. I storm away from Cain. I know he'll be alright. By him grabbing me he's probably refueled all he needs for the day. There's no reason for me to stand by him. No reason for me to spend any more time with him. I just want to lose myself in Megaton. I want to find Jason, and learn about him. Not so much his teachings, as I've never been good at following orders from someone, but more just him.

"We'll leave for the Citadel Ruins in the morning!"

Cain shouts to me as I vanish into the crowd. Soil moves beneath my feet, the faster I rush to the center of town. I don't care. If going that will make him leave me forever, then so be it. We'll go in the morning. We'll go, but just let me talk to Jason first. Let me make sure that this person will be here when I get back. I just found someone. I don't…really want to lose them right away.

Finding myself at Gob's, I hesitate before opening the door. Voices inside tell me that serious talks are taking place. Most noticeably, the robotic echo of Jason's. Then Gob's, and sometimes the child, Boone. With my hand on the knob, I know somewhere Cain is watching me. Like my father, Cain is always watching me. A part of me seeks a strange comfort in it. The other part, wants to never have to deal with it again.

Pushing open the door, everyone in the room greets me. Jason, his six followers, Gob, and…Zack. It's Zack who breaks the silence of my entrance first. A smile spreads on his face as he rushes towards to embrace me in a large, well-needed hug.

"Dizzy…"

He says as his face is buried into my neck while he lifts me into the air. My friend. My old and dear friend. I press my own face into his cheek and feel his familiar warmth, his familiar scent. My old friend, who has a bit of gray in his hair, and whose eyes are tired and worn from life. But he still has a spark in them. He, at least, is still happy.

"Dizzy how are you? How have you been? Dad told me you came back but I've been so busy I haven't been able to touch base with you. Tell me all about it! How was it?"

I laugh as we leave our embrace; it's truly good to see him.

"I'm fine. It's great to see you too. Don't worry about it; I was off doing my own thing. I can tell you all about it later but I think my friends here need some help first, if that's alright."

"These are your friends? Like, you know them? Can you vouch for them? They want to set up a base here, and given that Megaton isn't keen on religious folk, I was unsure if they're trustworthy."

"We're just happy that us being ghouls has no effect on the choice on if we can stay or not."

One of Jason's followers says, and it gives me a bit of relief to hear that they believe me now. Turning back to Zack, I look up at him and nod.

"They're alright. I'm sure we can make an agreement that they will practice in solitude and not force anyone to follow. In return, they should be allowed to stay."

Zack nods, taking my words into consideration. Until they're able to build their own homes, they can stay down where travelers often stay, in saloons or temporary housing near the Hole. This seems to please everyone, and the Bright Brotherhood begins to whisper among themselves. Plans on what to build, how to build, and where to get materials and resources. It won't be as hard as they're suggesting. Once a plot of land is approved by Zack, then they can begin to gather materials. While Megaton does have currency in caps, as everyone does, mostly it's a barter system. Agreed upon by all parties beforehand, whomever chooses to help will trade their materials or labor in return for something later on. Like I said before, usually agreed upon beforehand, so all parties are happy. Zack has to be present for all deals and agreements, usually made within or around Gob's shop. That way, nobody can claim they're getting 'ripped off' and the story isn't construed or manipulated. This is also good in case a traveler doesn't have caps to pay for resources or materials, or whatever else they may need. My father made this system a while ago, and it's seemed to have done rather well. Sure there are a few disagreements here and there, but that's why the sheriff is present.

The air in Gob's shop seems happy, and lighthearted as we move into the back so Gob can handle some customers. Boone follows Zack, myself, and the seven ghouls. I can't hear their words over the sound of everyone's footsteps, but I wish I could. I want to know their plans, if they intend to stay, and what they plan to do while here. When we reach the back room, Boone turns on a light as there's no windows to let the sun in. Zack takes a seat in the far corner, and offers the one next to me. The seven Bright Brotherhood gather in a small circle and continue their whispers, but I can tell by their faces, they're excited.

"Where do you think we should put them?"

I think for a moment, before taking Zack's offer to sit beside him.

"How about behind the saloon? It's at the edge of the grass line, and set back enough away from anyone if they were to feel uncomfortable."

"Good point. I'll draw up a land plot and give it to them in the next few days."

Being sheriff also comes with the happy title of 'mayor' as well, thus the reason Zack's involved in so many politics around Megaton. Dad was, too. Remembering dad makes my chest hurt. Like this morning, I still miss him, and mom. I'd give anything to have their guidance right now.

"You alright?"

Zack asks as he notices the far-off look I have on my face.

"Yeah. Just remembering my dad."

He gives me a knowing smirk and nods, going over some paperwork on the desk in front of him. There's a silence, other than Boone playing with his toys, and the hushed murmurs of the Bright Brotherhood in front of us.

"You guys can take off whenever you like. I've no more business to conduct and will have your land plot paperwork sometime this week. After that, you may begin to build."

Zack says without looking up as he goes over letters, reports, and other miscellaneous papers. Jason steps forward, trying not to smile, but not doing a good job of hiding the happiness on his face.

"Thank you. We cannot express how grateful we are to you, Sheriff. And to you, too, Dizzy."

Jason looks over at me, and I give him a small smile. There's just a lot on my mind right now, I suppose.

"When you have a moment, could we walk around town together? I'd like to speak with you."

Jason says to me and I nod my head.

"Yeah, give me a bit."

"I will wait outside. My people will find lodging until we have our own home."

He depart, and Zack sighs loudly and noticeably.

"Strange voice he has, that one."

"Might be the effect of radiation."

I say to Zack, leaning back in my chair. I know he wants to hear about the Commonwealth, if we made it, and what our plans are now. But I don't want to revisit those memories right now. I just don't have the energy to, especially after the constant fighting with Cain. I guess the fighting is probably better than the silence, though. Right now, I can't figure which one I want more.

"Could be. I don't have time to chat right now though, Diz. I'm sorry about that. Want to grab a drink sometime soon though? Being sheriff is a lot more work than I intended."

Good, because I don't feel like talking.

"I should go see what's up with Jason anyways. Thanks for helping them out, by the way. I have to go to the Citadel Ruins tomorrow, but I'll find you for that drink when I get back."

Upon mentioning the ruins, Zack looks up at me. His eyes and face twist into an emotion I know all too well.

"…Don't do anything to risk the future of this town, Dizzy."

"I won't. You know that."

"Not if you're like your mother I don't."

I chuckle before waving goodbye and departing from the back room. Zack has been around since before I was born. He knew my mom from his baby-years and onward. Zack knew my parents longer than I was allowed to know them. Mainly because I wasn't even a slight thought in their brain when he was younger. But, he was there for even the very beginning stages of their romance, disappearance, return and so much more. In a way, I envy that. I spent a lot of my teen years away from my parents, when really I should have spent it with them. Learning, talking, and doing things together. It's a regret I won't ever come to terms with. Especially now when I need them in my life more than ever before.

"Are you alright?"

Jason's voice startles me as I step out into the bright sunlight from Gob's. For a moment, I forgot he was waiting for me. But, here he is, just like he said he would be. The familiar feeling of being watched, and watched carefully, creeps into my body.

"Would you like to walk, and talk about it?"

I nod at his request, and side by side, together, we walk behind Gob's and venture out and away from Megaton, trailing only the bare perimeter of the town. Or now, would it be considered a city?

"What's troubling you?"

Jason asks, as I purposefully step on small pebbles and kick them in front of me.

"It's nothing. Just a lot of things going on right now."

I don't want to talk about it. I still feel like I'm being watched. If Cain is watching, then he'll be trying to listen, and he'll know if I talk about him. I have to be careful with what I share about Cain. Lord knows who's an enemy these days, although I don't want to think that about Jason.

"Listening is part of my job as a leader. I am here if you need an ear."

"Hrm. You see your position as a job?"

"Sometimes, it's difficult to give answers that people seek. Sometimes I'm not even sure I have all the answers they expect of me."

"That just shows you're more human than you think."

He chuckles, and I smile at him, shoving my hands into my pockets.

"I suppose you're right."

"What do you intend to do now that you're in Megaton?"

We stop walking by a small puddle of irradiated water, and sit beside it. Moths to a flame, my father would say.

"Live. Relax. Take faith in the future and see where it goes. My people and I have never found such a place, and with each moment I start to believe more and more that we have found our Far Beyond within the confines of Megaton. Thank you, Dizzy, for sharing it with us."

I should thank him. His simple presence does more for me than he can understand. Than even I can understand. A cool breeze makes me shudder, and I look up towards the sky. Cain is still watching me, I can feel it.

"You mentioned your father was a ghoul. I'm interested in your story, Dizzy. If you don't mind sharing."

I shrug, laying down. The puddle beside me that separates Jason and I emits a comforting warmth in the cooling afternoon air. It's the small things you have to appreciate in this life, lest you go mad and wind up being a Raider. I really wanted to be one back in the day, can you imagine?

"There isn't much to tell. My father was a pre-war mercenary, turned ghoul. My mother was a vault dweller, with a questionable moral compass, if she ever had one. They were together a really, really long time before having me. And even longer after having me. They've traveled all over this land a million times over, and made Megaton their home. If you ask about them, everyone will know some story or another. People from the Pitt erected a statue of them when they passed. It lies just outside Megaton, over there."

I point to the silhouette of the large statue that pays homage to my parents. When I see it from this distance, a heavy, sinking feeling appears in my chest. I hope one day, I can look at that statue and smile, instead of feeling so much sadness.

"Your parents have a statue? They must have been a great influence over this land."

"They were."

Jason's shadow casts over me, and I stare up at the glowing one, whose voice brings me a strange comfort. Almost like the sadness and anger inside don't exist when he speaks. He looks down at me, curious.

"Is it because of them, people here are so accepting of ghouls?"

"Yeah. My dad, he was this really very good mercenary. His loyalty lied forever with my mother, and he was really tall. Both my parents were. Actually, you know the man you saw me with?"

"Yes, when first entering the town?"

"Yeah, that's Cain. His backstory is way more complex, but we were raised together."

"He's an intimidating figure."

"Well imagine him as a ghoul, and that's my dad. Dad had a lot more muscle mass, but, no more difference in appearance."

"I would have been terrified."

I smirk, rubbing my eyes as the Wasteland wind tosses dirt into them.

"Most were. But it was my mom who was feared more. Because she controlled my dad. And you know, whoever controls the beast and all that."

"You have a very interesting history, Dizzy."

"I suppose. What's your history?"

Jason sighs, still sitting up and placing his hand in the puddle. I stare up at the sky, waiting eagerly to hear his voice. His words don't hold as much importance to me, as the sound of his voice does. It just makes me calm, and right now, calm is all I need to be. Change will be happening in my life soon, and I need to keep a clear and calm head about it.

"Well. I'm a pre-war ghoul. My name has been Jason Bright since before the war. When the bombs fell…I can't remember much from that time. It's been so long. But what I do remember, is when I woke from the rubble that fell upon me, there was a heavy ash engulfing everything. It was daylight, but it looked like night. And in the midst of the darkness, I glowed. I felt…something had saved me for a purpose. Bestowed upon me the powers of what we now call glowing ones, but allowed me to keep my sanity. I traveled, for years, gathering a following and finding sanctuary. There isn't much to my story; it certainly isn't nearly as interesting as your history."

In my mind, I imagine a dark world. Rubble, ash, fire in the distance. From the pile of trash and debris, Jason rises. A glowing, disheveled man with a powerful image. His light reflects off the ash and darkness around him. I can understand the religious significance. Dad would tell me all about pre-war religion, symbolism, and it helps me understand how Jason could view himself as someone of importance. Especially after waking from an event such as the Great War, as a glowing one in a world of darkness.

Dipping my fingertips in the puddle, I make ripples and enjoy the warmth.

"I can see from that, why you'd feel that way. It's a powerful image to even imagine, I can't begin to understand how you felt. What was it like, to travel so much and to live for so long?"

"Knowledgeable. I learned so much, more than I can begin to recite. I met many people, and I've made memories I can't ever allow myself to forget."

What I really want to ask seems brazen and intrusive. I ask anyways.

"Did you ever travel with someone you loved? How'd that go?"

Jason chuckles and while he looks towards the sky, resting his weight on his arms, he sighs and smiles.

"I've lived a long time, and yet I've never really taken anyone seriously enough to love. Ghoul women aren't much to look at, and religious leader or not I'm rather picky. I have too much to be responsible for. My actions are under constant scrutiny of my followers. That's not to say there haven't been women I've been close to, just never loved. We all traveled well together. It wasn't the travelling that tore us apart. It was life, choices, and dreams. All of us always wanted something different. But each one has a special home in my heart. After all, from every failed time spent with someone, is a lesson you learn. So truly, you never fail."

"Because you're learning."

"Exactly."

While Jason's words didn't answer my question in the way I wanted, he still gave a thought-provoking response. Even if Cain and I part, he's right. No, _when_ Cain and I part, at least I'll have learned more about not only myself, but relationships as a whole. I can't be like mom and dad, or have their relationship. But I can have my own life, my own world, and maybe I need to focus more on that. Focus more on what it'll be like, to lead a life alone in the Wasteland. At least, for a brief period of time.

"Did you get back from somewhere recently? From how the sheriff greeted you, it seemed as if you had."

Memories. They flood my mind. The journey to the Commonwealth began strong, hopeful, happy and in love. But along the timeline, it decreases. Sadness, anger, solitude set in. Eventually, separation, and loneliness.

"Yeah. Cain and I. We just got back from up north. We were going in search of the Commonwealth."

"Commonwealth? What for?"

I shrug, not wanting to reveal too much.

"Nothing in particular. An aimless adventure. Though it took a while, as we most likely got lost, and we just returned. Gob said it should have only taken a week to walk that far, instead we've been gone for three years. But, given my parents and how they'd take off for forever all the time, everyone just assumes I'll do the same. So they're just happy I'm back to say hello, and not dead."

Glancing over at Jason, he's reading between the lines, so I don't have to say anything. His facial expression offers comfort, and understanding. Understanding without having to explain is rare.

"You and Cain were close, when the journey began. Weren't you?"

"Yeah. Yeah we were."

I feel a lump well in my throat. But I don't want him to see my cry. Not again, not twice in the same day. Sitting up, I trace my fingertips across the top of the puddle before dipping my whole hand in. Something to distract me from the feelings at hand. From the hurt over my relationship ending.

"Travel causes people to change, Dizzy. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Cain is leaving tomorrow. I mean, I am too, but I'll be coming back."

It sounds like I'm going to kill him, and Jason seems to think the same. I should clarify better.

"No I mean. What I mean is that Cain is going to be living his own life after tomorrow. And I'll live mine."

"I understand. It must be difficult. Saying goodbye to a childhood friend."

Friend. Yeah. Friend with benefits. I look off at Megaton in the short distance, knowing just a few hundred yards behind me is my mother's vault, where people may or may not still reside. Everyone's lives, continuing on just as mine is. Unbeknownst to my own pain, just as I'm unbeknownst to theirs. I feel small, and unimportant when I think of the world on such a large scale. My problems, my fears, my questions and insecurities, all seem silly and childlike, when I remember that everyone has their own story.

As my hand sits in the water, I feel fingers clasp around my own, and the warmth grows. Looking down, I see Jason's hand glows while holding my own. I smile a small smile, and look over at him.

"In all my travels, Dizzy, you're the first person I've met who glows like I do."

"You mean the first one who isn't a feral ghoul, right?"

"Yes. Right now it's hard, but rest assured, in the end things will be alright."

"And what if it's not?"

"Then it isn't the end now, is it? Just think, had I done one thing differently, I may not have met you with my followers. And together, we would not have found Megaton. Perhaps at another time, but not as we have now. Everything happens for one reason or another. You just don't understand it till it has already happened."

"What a world of good that does."

Jason lets my hand go and his glowing diminishes. I notice his head and shoulder are the only two places on his body that glow brighter than the rest. He lets out a small chuckle of agreement, and the two of us sit and share a puddle together, ignoring the world, and just existing in it. If that makes sense. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of tomorrow. Deep down, I'm frightened of losing Cain. But I know it has to happen. I know it's time to start a new chapter in my life, and maybe that new chapter starts with the Bright Brotherhood as my new collection of friends and comradely. Minus the religion, of course.

As we sit in silence, it's interrupted by a familiar sound of heavy footprints. Only as they draw near, do I feel Jason's hand releasing my own once more, and I realize that at some point in our motionless thoughts, he had clasped it again. Pulling my hand from the water to stand, I roll my eyes while the thudding feet grow closer and closer.

"You can't sneak up on me anymore, Cain. I know your footsteps."

Before I can turn I'm hit with something heavy on the back of my head. Searing, white-hot pain throbs through my body as I fall to the ground. The pain shocks and incapacitates me for only seconds, but it feels like hours. Blurrily, I see Jason standing beside me, shooting his gun at someone. Cain wouldn't attack me, would he? Has he gone mad? His programming, did it malfunction? All these thoughts race through my aching mind as I finds the strength to emit enough radiation to numb myself. Giving it time so I can stand. I'm unarmed, and aware of that.

"Run, Dizzy!"

Jason says, his voice echoing more than usual but I chalk it up to the cold knock on my head I just received. Managing to get up, I turn around to see my attacker isn't Cain, but instead someone I've never seen before. By the looks of their outfit amidst the chaos, they seem like a Raider.

"Oh what the hell, you had to do this now?"

I shout, my own words causing more pain. The Raider man looks at me, probably wondering why I'm not preparing to flee as he aims his shoddy gun at me. Flee, as Jason is somewhat doing, a few paces behind me. Why would he flee? Or at least, be attempting to. Shouldn't he in all his travels know a thing or two about self-defense?

"Dizzy come on let's get back to town!"

I roll my eyes callously at him.

"It's _just_ a Raider."

I guess this is where he and I differ. While he most likely avoids conflict, I seek it out.

"You're unarmed, Dizzy , please!"

"I'm _not_ unarmed."

I scoff at him. The Raider hits me in my leg, and it hurts. It hurts a lot and I swear up a storm. But knowing I can't let my guard down, I waste no more time in delayed reactions. I charge the Raider, adrenaline fueling me past the injury in my thigh. My palms glow a hot green, as I focus my the radiation to them.

"You bastard! You shot me!"

The wound is superficial, and can be healed in moments once I get my energy back and all that normalcy. But still, the Raider has fear in his eyes as I grab his arms, my hands growing hotter, his arms burning. The smell of singed and melting flesh fills my nostrils. More than once in the three years I've been gone, Cain and I have run out of ammunition, and had to defend ourselves without weapons.

"What are you doing you crazy bitch!"

I pull him close to me, and see Jason in my peripheral. This always exhausts me, so knowing someone is here to help me return home eases my anxiety a bit. Quickly, I emit a burst of radiation, stronger than that of a glowing one. It knocks the Raider back, poisoning him, killing him. His skin burns and falls off, while his screams echo throughout the Wasteland. Breathless, I fall to my knees.

"Hey, my armor held up pretty well."

And it's true, as I fall face-first on to the ground. The first time I ever did that, it very nearly leveled Megaton. It almost killed me, too. And every time I do it now, it gets a bit easier, but the toll on my body is still strong. Since I rely on radiation, when it's sucked from me, it gets harder to breathe. I can't move well, if at all, and my heart beat palpitates. My eyelids are heavy, but I keep my eyes open, despite my blurred vision.

"Dizzy! Dizzy!"

Jason's voice sounds so far away. He's so worried. Hasn't he learned that he too, can become a human bomb if he tries? I mean, anyone can be anything they want. It's just easier when you're already slathered in radiation.

I feel his hand on my back, and I look up at him, half-expecting him to heal me, as I heal myself.

"Hey…you never…did that?"

I ask between gasps of air and struggling to make my body listen to my mind.

"No, and this is exactly why. Do you have any idea the consequences of your actions?"

Smirking, I try to lift my head, and fail.

"Nope."

Jason checks my ribs, my arms, my legs. It's familiar, Gob used to do it, Barrows too. Hell even mom and dad and Cain would, too. It's to make sure nothing is broken. Though I know nothing is, I let him go through with it. It's a waste to argue with the habits of wastelanders.

"You could be injured; we have to get you back to Megaton. Is there a doctor?"

Injured? No I've done this a few times. I'm pretty alright. I just need to be dropped in a puddle. Or something. A nap would do wonders, too.

"Dizzy! Dizzy!"

In the distance, my name. With my small amount of strength, I lift my head to see a figure running towards me. It's Cain. Struggling, I put my hands under me and lift my upper body. Jason's hands wrap around my ribcage.

"You need to relax; I'll get you back to Megaton."

"It's…alright. Cain's here."

Jason follows my line of sight and sees Cain coming rapidly closer. When he gets here, he angrily shoves Jason away, knocking him to the ground.

"What did you do? What did you do to her!"

He commands, angry. The most emotion I've heard from him in three years. It frightens me.

"Tell me! What did you do! Dizzy, Dizzy come here."

Strong, familiar, safe arms wrap around my waist and effortlessly lift me into him. Emotions, feelings, conflicts, they rush back in one really long, drawn-out second. Cain screams at Jason, demanding to know what happened. Demanding to know why I'm hurt. If he stopped yelling for a minute and looked around, it's pretty easy to figure out with the dead Raider and slightly more-dead earth around him.

"Cain its fine. We just got attacked. I'm fine."

I say to him, and he turns to me, staring at me intently while his arms support me. My feet dangle over his forearm, and for a minute, I feel like I could fly, for some strange reason.

"Why did you _do_ that? Where's your gun? Did you leave it at home again? Dizzy you can't afford to be injured!"

"No, of course not. Not before taking you to your precious ruins, of course."

Shuffling, despite my weakness, I manage to get free of Cain's arms. And promptly, slam down on the ground with no strength to stand, let alone walk. Without hesitation Cain lifts me again, his hold tighter.

"I'll take you home."

"I don't want to go home. I want to stay here."

"And get ambushed again? It isn't safe, especially with someone who's so defenseless. Jason, right? What's the point of owning a gun if you can't use it properly?"

That's mean, Cain. That's really mean. I'd argue, but I figure energy is best saved for later. Feeling exhaustion wash over me, I curl into Cain's arms. I feel safe, and warm. A type of warm that not even radiation can give me. A warm that's only felt when another touches you in some way. Another person who, you once cared deeply for, and may even still.

"Let me help."

Jason demands as Cain begins to walk. I close my eyes. Far away, long ago, I remember how I would seek comfort in these arms when the Wasteland would turn so cold at night. When the fire died, and the only thing to offer warmth, were these very arms I lay in.

"You've done enough. Just go."

"I can help her, I can heal her."

Cain hesitates for a second, before giving Jason an answer.

"No. Just go. She'll be fine in a few hours."

"Then that's when I'll return."

The two part ways. Cain's rhythmic and heavy steps are like a sweet, monotone lullaby. A lullaby I don't want to hear any more.

"It wasn't his fault."

I say to him, wiggling my toes in my boots to see if any strength has returned. It hasn't.

"It was yours. I know."

Well truthfully, nobody is at fault. It was a random attack by a drug-addled Raider. Something nearly unavoidable in the wastes. I choose not to argue with him, though. It's pointless.

"I can walk."

He ignores me. He probably knows I'm lying.

"I'll be well enough for tomorrow, now will you stop with this 'strong silent manly man' thing? It's troublesome."

"You could have gotten hurt."

"But I didn't."

He glares down at me.

"That doesn't make anything you do okay, Dizzy! That doesn't justify your actions! When you get back you're more than welcome to spend all the time in the world gallivanting around the Wasteland with whomever you please, but until tomorrow you have to remain somewhat safe!"

I look up at him and fight back tears. It's over between us, isn't it? It's over between Cain and I, and tomorrow will just be the beginning of the end. I'm too full of pride to claim I want to try again. To tell him I want to make it work. I'm too full of pride and fearful of rejection to even try. Instead I just say the next best think.

"I hope you die."

"Yeah Diz, that seems to be the theme with you today."

I stop my radiation from healing my leg wound. Cain notices the drop in temperature and looks at me.

"What're you doing?"

Warm blood doesn't take any hesitation in re-flowing down my thigh. Maybe some artery was hit, and I can bleed all over him so he understands what I can't say. Though even I can't seem to rationalize that logic.

"I'm not wasting my energy on healing."

"Dizzy! Are you insane? I have no stimpaks. Stop this!"

"No."

And I withdraw all my radiation. Usually in the background of my life, I have my radiation flowing. Making me warm, making me move easier, helping me. But for the first time since my parents died, I stop it. And I feel colder than ever.

"I hope it bleeds all day long!"

"You'll fuckin' die you twat!"

"You're a goddamned twat! Put me down I won't be carried by a twat!"

Throwing myself from him I once more, land on the hard ground. But we're only a few yards from home, and I look up at him, angrily trying to stand, blood seeping into my boot. I think by this point I'm fueled only by my anger and stupid determination to get a point across. A point that could easily be solved by communication, but which I choose not to do.

"Dizzy. Come here, and let me help you in the house."

Cain's tone is gentle, but forced. I don't want him, or anyone else to force anything when it comes to me. I want all emotions to be natural.

"Do you only care about my safety so that you can get to the Ruins, and get your answers?"

"Dizzy…"

"Just tell me, Cain. Just tell me the truth."

His face hardens, the sun slowly starts to set in the background. Shadows grow longer, and we stare at one another. My heart beats faster and I feel cold, from the wind, and my lack of radiation.

"…Yeah. Without you, I can't make it to the Citadel Ruins. Without you present, I can't separate myself from you. I need you, do this with me, so we can _both_ be free."

The words he says hurt. But I never expected to hear anything different. To hear that he wanted to stay or felt hurt and alone, just as I did. With those words known and out in the open, I start my radiation flowing again. The pain in my leg dissipates, as does my remaining strength. But I fight it, and do my best to keep on my feet.

"Then we'll go first thing in the morning."

I tell him, defiant. But truthfully, I'm pretty hurt.


	11. Until We Meet Again

Night falls and I watch the twinkling stars above while I lay on my back in the Wasteland. A few hundred yards from my home, I find a calming silence and comfort in staring up. There billions upon trillions of them up there. They twinkle, and light, and in some way remind me of Jason. At one point in his life, he was a glowing star. When the bombs fell, and the war ultimately ended, he glowed. And he still glows.

He didn't come by like he said he would. When I regained my strength and forced myself to eat, the sun was only half-sunk in the sky. I've been laying here, just thinking and running everything over and through my head since then. I always knew things would turn out this way; I just didn't want to believe it. I thought that maybe by returning home, getting some well-needed rest and recharging my batteries, things might change. I can't tell you where I dreamt up that delusion. I know that whatever Cain and I had together is gone. And truth be told, I think old feelings only resurfaced because I'm scared. Scared of change, and scared to face this world alone. No matter how badly I want to be alone, how badly I want to find my own self and path, it still terrifies me. Change is hard, I have to accept that, and push forward.

Above me, the stars twinkle, and I smile at them. I smile for no other reason than to smile. Because they've been watching me for years now, and I don't think I've just smiled at them. They're nothing but balls of gas, floating along just as we are here on Earth. But on the off chance someone is watching, I smile. It's quiet here, quiet so loud it's deafening. The wind has died, and there's a stillness settling in. During our venture, the silence and stillness would mean danger we couldn't sense was nearing. Danger we had to be alert and aware of. But now here, back home, it just means we can be peaceful. That _I_ can be peaceful. I wonder, though, how long did it take mom to find the peacefulness I'm searching for?

"Hey."

Jason's voice surprises me. I hadn't noticed his glow, he came from behind me. He stands over me, peering down, head and shoulder glowing brightly, and making him a target. He notices me notice it, and takes a cape-like-thing, cloak I believe, to cover it. It's a cloak his followers wear.

"Cain said you'd be over here."

"You two had a civil discussion?"

Jason sits beside me, while I lay and stare up at him.

"Well, no. He doesn't seem to like me much."

"Cain doesn't like anyone."

"He likes you."

Maybe. A long time ago.

"No. He did, but not anymore."

Jason smirks a bit, and gazes up at the stars with me. It's easy to enjoy silence with him. There's no awkwardness, or discomfort. It's just two near-strangers, sitting silently in the Wasteland.

"Will you return?"

He asks, not taking his gaze from the sky.

"From where?"

"Your trip. Cain said you two would be departing in the morning. He seemed to be readying supplies."

"Oh, yeah. It'll be a few days. But I'll come home. I always come home."

"Like a cat."

"What?"

Jason chuckles, resting his weight on his palms like he did before.

"A cat. A pre-war animal. It'd come and go from its masters house as it pleased. It always returned, but if it didn't, you know it had died somehow."

"I like dogs."

I've never truthfully owned one, but I hear good things about them. Jason sighs loudly, a small smile on his face. Despite my conflicting and confusing emotions, I'm enjoying these moments right now.

"I hope you return safely from your travels."

He says to me, lying back beside me. Our heads and bodies are close, and it offers a sense of safety. Being alone, without truly having to be alone, if any sense can be made from that.

"Will you be here, when I get back?"

I ask him, genuinely curious. I assume after the incident earlier, he went back to his followers and helped plan out the events to take place with their settlement, once the land plans and whatnot are delivered.

"Yes. We intend to remain here for as long as possible. While I was with you, my followers ventured into Megaton to explore. They were treated kindly, without bigotry, and were offered food and supplies for help in the future. They were more than willing to agree. Even if I didn't like it here, I would stay, as my people have found peace."

"So, you're happy here?"

"Yes, for now. I only just arrived but, there's nothing bad to complain about."

I wiggle my boots into the dirt, my skin glowing a pale green.

"Earlier, after I killed that Raider, you said I could injure myself. What did you mean by that?"

Jason sighs and looks towards the sky, his head, glowing a bit brighter than the rest.

"I know what you were going to do. Glowing ones like us, we can do such things. But at a price. Each time you do it, you risk having one of your organs shut down, or experience internal bleeding. Sure, emitting the radiation in a way to make a short-rage wave, to heal yourself or startle enemies isn't entirely harmful to you. But a blast powerful enough to kill someone, and you're risking your own life. Each time, your body gets weaker, and weaker. A breakdown, and you can't rebuild as well as before."

Nobody aside from Jason has any knowledge on my condition. It's not exactly popular out here by any means. So it's not like anyone can really warn me about these things. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I already knew that the constant use of such a powerful emission could hurt me. I just didn't have any reason to believe it, and chalked it up to paranoia

"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for letting me know, I'll be more careful."

And I mean that. I mean I'll be more careful. Already I remembered to bring out my gun when I left home to lay out here. But somehow, even hearing this news, it doesn't faze me much. It's just another aspect of life that I seemingly am forced to accept, no matter what. There's no changing it, so why worry about it?

"You don't seem to upset."

Shrugging, I shake my head at Jason, keeping my eyes focused on the stars above. Although, between the two of us glowing, the stars seem a bit dimmer.

"It's not anything I can change. Getting upset will only be a waste of time."

Plus, there are a million and one other things on my mind. Leaving tomorrow with Cain will be a huge change, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. I know I wanted this for forever, I know that I wanted to be alone, and independent. But like I stated before, I'm scared of it all. Because, what else would there be for me to do?

"Hey Jason? What're you going to do now, that your followers and such have found your Far Beyond?"

Jason looks over at me, his filmy eyes and green skin shimmering.

"I guess I'll continue to be a leader. Offer answers to the questions my followers seek, teach them how to adapt in Megaton. Show them that there's still hope for people like us. Ghouls, like us."

Even Jason has alternate plans, despite having completed his own personal mission. It makes me wonder how people can just do such things? How can they preoccupy their lives and minds when the greater picture for them has been resolved? Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I don't know. The stars twinkle a bit, one shoots across the night sky, and the wind picks up a little, making the still and calm air cooler than usual.

"Do you think Cain will interrupt us this time?"

Jason talks as if we're in the middle of a secret romantic encounter. I chuckle at that thought, and try to see my parents up in the sky. But, I can't make them out.

"Cain has his own things to do."

What those things are, I don't know. But I do know the chances of him coming out here are slim to none. He's too focused on getting to the Ruins, and finding the answers he seeks. Finding a way to live safely without me.

"Does that bother you?"

Jason asks me, and I shrug in response. I think what bothers me more, is that Cain will be fine without me. If he has me in his life or not, it doesn't seem to affect his quality of life. But me, without Cain? I've dreamt and yearned for it for years upon years. Now…I'm not so sure. Finding your own path isn't easy. From what I know about mom, it wasn't easy for her either, but somehow she did it. Somehow she did it, with my father and without. Dad, I'm not so sure about him. His past and details are a blur to me. I know he was a mercenary, brainwashed at one point. The brainwashing very nearly almost took him from my mom many times. But he overcame it. But did dad overcome it because of mom, or for mom? What drove him to go beyond a century or more of a life of servitude?

Dad didn't wake up one day and just 'decide' not to be brainwashed. Mom must have pushed him, prodded him, and forced him to do it. But even if that's the true case…I don't know. I just don't. Even in my own thoughts, I compare myself to them.

"Dizzy?"

Jason calls my name and I glance over. He has a soft, and tender look on his face.

"Yeah?"

"What is it? What's on your mind?"

In a moment of silent comfort, a moment of letting go, I choose to let Jason into my life and thoughts. Maybe this strange, glowing religious leader can offer me advice, and comfort on a level I haven't been shown in a while.

"All my life, I was never able to be just 'Dizzy'. Always I have been compared to my parents. People expected me to _be_ something, I suppose. Live up to imagined expectations. I've always been in their shadow, and rarely, was I ever alone. Cain has been with me my entire life. I don't know what it's like to be alone. But, soon I will. And I'm really scared that when it happens, I won't know what to do."

Jason looks at me with sympathy, and understanding. Even if he doesn't truly 'get it', he sure pretends to well. Well enough for me to grasp his hand in mine, and offer a slight smile, anyways.

"You're never truly alone, Dizzy. I've spent time alone, without friends, without a home. Being alone means having nobody, and nothing. You, no matter what path you choose, will always have a home, and people who care for you. Living in the shadow of your parents isn't good, but, from what I know, people see you as a person on your own. They care for you because you're you, and no other reason."

His voice is louder in the stillness. The echo more prominent, more comforting than earlier. Maybe it's because to me, this feels like an intimate moment. Maybe it's because he's offering such words, and listening. Truly, and openly listening. I've never felt anyone really listened and empathized before.

Sadness washes over me, when I realize that soon I'll have to let go. I'll have to let go of his hand, and this peaceful time. When the sun rises, Cain and I will set off to the Ruins, and we'll be gone for an undetermined amount of time. Squeezing Jason's hand, I look at him, hopeful.

"You're the first person to not scoff at me when I said those things."

"Why would I scoff?"

"I don't know. But thank you."

He squeezes my hand back, and we smile at one another. I think, I might even be blushing.

"I haven't known you more than a day, Dizzy, but I think you're special."

I make myself glow a little brighter.

"I feel the same. I didn't even know I was looking for someone like me, until I found you. A glowing one, without the feral."

"A wanderer."

"Someone to just understand."

With his free hand, Jason reaches over and brushes my cheek. It's warm with radiation, and I close my eyes.

"You know what? That woman you said helped you in New Vegas, did she have wild, orange-brown hair?"

"She did. How did you know that?"

"Because, she was my mom."

Jason sits up, and I sit up alongside him. His face is filled with surprise and eagerness, but he still holds my hand. He even holds it a little bit tighter.

"Your mother? Your mother was-"

"Dezbe. Yeah. Mom spent some time away from my dad. I don't know the details as to why, but she spent about four or five years in New Vegas. When you told me, I couldn't imagine someone as willing and crazy, to help a band of religious ghouls. But yeah, that was my mom."

"Your mother…was a wonderful woman. At least to me."

I nod, knowing all too well her reputation.

"She was."

"I can understand now, why they'd make a statue of her. And why you'd feel lost in her shadow."

Mom, do you have to touch the lives of everyone? Did you have to even taint this moment with Jason? I didn't have to tell him, and maybe I shouldn't have. I want Jason to see me as me. Not as a copy of my mother. As if he can read my thoughts, he pulls my hand close to him in reassurance.

"But your mother, she isn't you. She helped lead me to you. Had my followers and I gotten into those rockets, we would have perished. I only found out later that they were sabotaged. Dizzy all that has happened, has led me to Megaton, and to you."

"So, you don't see me as her? You don't…you don't like me because of her?"

"No. Dizzy I think you're a fascinating woman, your mother being who she was, only adds to me understanding why you are you, if you can follow my train of thought."

In a way I suppose that I can. With Jason holding my hand, and our bodies slowly creeping closer together, I begin to start thinking maybe it's only me that's pressuring myself to live in their shadows.

"You'll be here when I come back, right? I don't know how long this trip will take."

I ask Jason, eager for his answer.

"We have no intention of leaving Megaton anytime soon. But shouldn't it only take a few days?"

It's more complicated than that. But I trust Jason. Nobody outside of the immediate inner circle of my life knows about Cain. Nobody could truly be trusted with it, since it could be used against us. Mom and dad, before they passed, told me everything I loved could always, always be used against me. To never tell the world anything, and even to have secrets from your most trusted friends. But right now, I just can't seem to care.

"Cain…we're going to find a way for Cain and I to be separated safely. The short version is he's a very highly advanced android, but needs me for survival due to a chemical bonding. That's why he's always around. Without me, he'll die. And we want to find a way to break that bond. We want to go our separate ways. The long version is really, really long and complicated."

Jason seems to accept the short version, but it's a while before he speaks. I understand that. It's a large thing to comprehend, and to believe. Such an advanced android as Cain is unheard of, even in this day and age. Yeah, there are androids who bleed and such, but they always have a failsafe. A protocol to protect them, or make them regress into understanding they're androids. Most androids in the world don't even know they're androids, and knowing would utterly destroy them. A self-aware android-human-cyborg-thing who was created to kill is a whole different, complicated world in and of itself.

"I'm starting to feel nothing else you can explain will surprise me."

I smile at him. It is a lot to take in. Ghoul-child of mercenaries and able to produce my own radiation with an awesome cyborg-android counterpart living in the post-apocalyptic world that is the Capital Wasteland. To me this is all normal, everyday life. But I can see how to others, it sounds like a story a bunch of people made up one drunken night at a bar.

Looking above me, I see the shimmer and twinkle of the firebugs. Mom and dad loved the firebugs. As I got older and older, I was allowed to also come out and watch the firebugs with them. Cain forever thought they were lame, and uninteresting. But me? I've always related in some way to them.

"Dizzy?"

"Hm?"

Jason squeezes my hand, and for a minute, my stomach feels like a firebug flew in it. In response, I make myself glow a bit brighter, warming my cooling bones.

"I enjoy this."

"Me too."

We spend the hours talking. We talk of our pasts, our memories, some fears, and things that are silly, and unimportant. Jason and I laugh, sigh, and shake our heads at one another while we lay in the dirt. While the night sky moves, changes, and even the bugs eventually dissipate. We don't let go of each other's hands. Eventually, my head rests in the crook of his arm, and we stare at the sky, muttering, chuckling, connecting. It's been a long while since I've felt this way. Since I've spoken and connected with someone on such an intimate level. I like it. I don't want it to end.

At some point, the night sky begins to lighten. Jason has fallen asleep with my head on him, his rhythmic breathing giving me a soft, new comfort. I don't need a blanket, I'm not cold with the two of us having harnessed the power of radiation. I was hoping that I would see the firebugs again at some point, but they're never out this late, or early, depending on how you look at it.

My eyes grow heavy, but I know in just a few short hours, I'll have to wake and accompany Cain to the Citadel Ruins. I wanted this night to last forever. To stay with Jason, and postpone losing Cain. I've been running away from my emotions on the topic, trying to pretend as if they don't exist. But life doesn't take kindly to that, and instead makes everything feel like it's happening twice as fast.

"Dizzy."

I jump to my feet. Behind me, Cain stands. I see a flash of anger come across his face, before it's replaced by the normal stoic expression he wears. It's there and gone within a second, but it was there. And we both know that I saw it.

"The hell are you doing here?"

I demand, seeing as how I didn't even hear him creep up. At my feet, Jason stirs but doesn't wake.

"That doesn't matter. It's time to go."

"The sun isn't even up."

"It's time."

He tosses me a small pack, and hands me my gun. Rather, my father's gun. For a while, Cain would use it due to its sheer power and kickback. Over time though, I've grown accustomed to it, and kind of made a sentimental connection to it. On my hip, rests my mother's sawed-off. That's more of a sentimental thing, too. Strapping my father's gun to my back, which I've lovingly named 'Big Iron' in both name of the popular New Vegas song, and because of the heaviness of it, I fold my arms in front of my chest.

"We aren't arguing any more, Diz. We're going, and you're coming."

I wasn't about to argue about _not_ going. Instead I was going to argue about the early time we're leaving at.

"Fine. Let me say goodbye to Jason then."

Cain stops me from waking him. He holds my upper arm tightly, and his steel-blue eyes burn into mine.

"We leave. _Now."_

"What the hell is your problem?"

I tear my arm away from his grip while he walks past me, leading the way, beginning our trek across the Wasteland. Reluctantly, I follow, taking one last glance back at Jason. I'll come back, and then, everything will simply fall into place. It has to.

Catching up to Cain's fast-paced steps, I shove him lightly to express the anger I feel inside over his rude interruption of my night. Plus, I'm also really tired and grumpy from not sleeping.

"Stop acting childish."

He scolds me like a child. I shake my head at him, scoffing.

"You couldn't just wait till the sun was up, could you?"

"I've waited for you long enough so you could prance around with that ghoul. Making me look like a goddamned fool."

"In what way was I making you look like a fool?"

He glares at me. There was a time when his glares would make me feel bad, guilty, for upsetting him. Now it just annoys the piss out of me.

" _Everyone_ still thinks we're together. Do you know how many people asked me why I was letting you go gallivanting around with that new ghoul? It was obnoxious."

"Well gee, I didn't know you cared so much about the citizens' opinions."

"I don't. I was upset about being bothered."

Rolling my eyes I slow my pace down, as does Cain. I didn't sleep, so I feel like taking my sweet time. Despite it being my own fault. Although in the recesses of my mind, I have to wonder how it came to be this way. Bitter, angry, strained. Gob says it's darkest before the sunrise, and that Cain and I should work through our problems, because it'll get better. But I'm pretty sure he's wrong. People should give up on trying advising Cain and I to 'work it out'. Because I pretty much have. I think. I'm tired, and unsure of my proper emotions and feelings.

"You like Jason, don't you?"

Cain asks me, and the question catches me off guard.

"Like as in 'like like' or like as in 'I enjoy his company'?"

"'Like' as in you wouldn't be opposed to starting a romantic relationship with him."

Surprisingly, I'd never thought of it. I quite enjoy how he makes me feel, but I don't think I've associated those feelings with that of a romantic relationship. I just enjoyed them. The comfort, security, having someone be there to listen and understand. Or understand to the best of their knowledge. It's nice, having found someone just like me, who wants to know me just as badly as I want to know them. Maybe I suppose one day I could see myself romantically involved with him. I certainly can't see myself being against it. And I didn't want to leave his side so quickly. But, I'm still sore over Cain. I'm still hurting over he and I, and it would be wrong to get involved with another person while still trying to figure my own emotions out.

"I don't know. Maybe one day. Not right now. Why do you care?"

"You just seemed happy."

It's not what Cain says that tosses me off guard. It's what he doesn't say. He doesn't say he noticed my unhappiness and disdain over the past few years. He doesn't say he realizes he's one of the reasons for it. He doesn't say that he wishes he could fix it, too. Because he doesn't _need_ to say it. By making the observation that I was happy when spending time with Jason, he admits he noticed my sadness. I don't know what to make of it, or how to feel. I just wish I could see my mom, in all honesty.

"Yeah. I guess I was. I liked talking to someone again."

Cain doesn't say anything else, there's no real need to. The sun begins to brighten the night sky, and in sober silence we walk together. It takes my complete self-control to not grab his hand. Just, to hold his hand again. To be with him again. To just exist on the same plane of understanding and reality, just as we once were, would mean the world to me. I'd give it all away, I'd never speak to Jason again, if it meant the two of us could reconnect, and find ourselves together instead of apart. If it meant that I, Dizzy, could find all the completion of my life and solve all my personal mysteries with Cain by my side. Not because I'm so dependent on him, but because for our entire lives, Cain and I have been together. To be apart, would be similar to losing my arm. I'd survive, and survive fine, but nobody wants to lose a limb. I don't think I'm ready to lose Cain. But, life doesn't wait for you to be ready. Life, simply happens.


	12. Touch Me One More Time

Change is terrifying, and scary. While being apart from Cain may be very beneficial to me, I'm trying to figure out the pros and cons. It's hard, when I don't even know where to begin. What will change and how much will change, once we are inevitably apart? What can I discover about myself without him, that I can't with him? Mom told me about her time in New Vegas, away from my dad. While she did seemingly have a great time, there was a sad undertone to it all. That while she's happy she got to do it, she would have enjoyed it better had he joined. Can I have the strength my mom had? Can I part from Cain as easily as mom did dad? I know there won't be a reunion with him if we part. Mom claimed she wasn't sure she'd ever see my dad again either, after leaving for New Vegas. I think she lied to me. I think she very well knew one day she'd see him again, and the only reason she came back was for him. Sometimes, maybe in this world, it's okay to have someone and be together with them for a while. Maybe being alone and fiercely independent in this world isn't as important as everyone claims. Maybe it's okay to lean on someone, and grow together, rather than grow alone and merge later. I don't know. My head hurts.

Absentmindedly lost in my own thoughts, I don't realize I act on impulse and reach for Cain's hand. I don't realize I'm holding it until I feel his fingers wrap around mine. Slowly, I feel tingles go from my fingertips to my chest. We walk, neither one of us missing a beat, but I feel his hand around mind, and a light squeeze as his thumb tickles the back of my hand. We don't look at one another, we don't change our pace. We don't do much of anything, and yet, we both accept this small token of peace. I don't know what it means, as Cain is hard to read, but I'll take what I can get, and accept that maybe he will miss me when we're apart. And maybe right now, we need a small reminder of the lives we had before we set forth on the lives we're supposed to have. I miss him, though. I miss him so much, it hurts inside. Because I truly did love him. And maybe, in some small way, I still do.

We slowly head south, towards the Super Duper Mart, and near Grayditch. I know I should let go of his hand, but the comfort it offers makes me not want to. Although it's going to make it even harder to part when we get to the Citadel.

"Cain?"

He grunts, acknowledging my words.

"…how do you know there's even a way to separate? What if there isn't one?"

Cain releases my hand, and the wind blows cold. It's a simple action, a simple move, but it makes my eyes water.

"They wouldn't create me, without a way to stop me."

Silence. The silence and stillness after his words echo softly, frightens me. The Capital Wasteland is different than the others. In the sense that you seek comfort in silence here, rather than danger. But now, in contrast to last night, I feel only emptiness and sorrow. The silence doesn't bring comfort this time, and the dust that picks up and swirls with the wind doesn't make me smile. I can nearly hear my heart beating.

"Where will you go after? What will you do?"

I want to know. I want to know what's so eager and important to him. I want to know why I've fallen from a place of importance in his mind.

"That's none of your business. It won't matter to you. Rather, it shouldn't matter what I do without you."

"…Yeah, I was just curious."

Cain carries on, while I stop and look out behind me, at Megaton slowly fading in the distance. In my mind, I beg my mother to give me advice. I plead with invisible forces to just let her talk to me. Let he give me whatever words of comfort or solace she can offer. The only person in the world who could guide me through this has passed on, and I'm not sure where to turn to. I'm not sure who to turn to. Would Gob know what to do? Could he have answered all of my questions before I left? Maybe it's not mom's advice I'm really after in the end. Maybe it's just hearing the sound of her soothing, serene and familiar voice that will comfort me. Maybe, I just wish I could be brave like her.

"Dizzy. Keep up."

I jog to catch up to Cain, and this time I purposefully reach out to take his hand. But, instead of accepting it, he pulls it away from me. It hurts more than him letting it go.

"We should rest when we get to Falls Church. You didn't sleep, and if there's enemies at the Citadel Ruins, you'll need your energy to face them."

He says while I'm still busy wondering why he's being so cold. I mean, him being cold isn't anything new to happen in the past few years but…now it's just starting to really bother me. I guess I'm a bit delayed in these reactions.

"Enemies? What kind?"

I'm so used to viewing the Capital Wasteland as my home, that I've forgotten it's still a dangerous place to inhabit. That there's still slavers and raiders and a few big bugs and maybe some other new enemies. Maybe I shouldn't let my guard down so much.

"The same as before. The kind I was raised with."

Right. Last time we got to the ruins, there was a slew of people from there that Cain had grew up with. Well, not 'grew up' per say, but lived with. Cain was the only one taken to an actual 'home', thanks to mom and dad. The rest were destined to fend for themselves, and subsequently harbored anger towards Cain about this, despite him having no choice in the matter. Most became raiders, but I'm unsure of what happened to those who didn't. Maybe they died? Regardless, Cain is right. The closer we get to the Citadel, the more danger we're in.

"Wouldn't they have destroyed everything by now, though? I mean, beneath the Citadel. It's been decades, so there's probably not much to go through."

To me it seems obvious. The Citadel ruins weren't in any lockdown after we had left before, and things were just lying about all willy-nilly for anyone to loot or trash. It just seems unlikely that anything of value would still have survived.

"You're wrong."

Cain states with no explanation. Well. Alright then.

"How do you know?"

"Because where I was created, where the research was held, is locked away from the rest of the facility. It's behind a thick, steel door, accessed only by password and protected by security."

"And you don't think some jacked-up raider didn't smash the keypad to get in?"

"You'll see, Dizzy."

Plan B to convince Cain to give up this asinine trek has failed. Great. In the still silence as we walk, the only thing that makes any noise is our footsteps, and the wind hitting my ears. At first the silence was a welcome comfort. But now, I'm not so sure. Ahead of me, Cain walks with stiff stillness, and I wonder what it is that pulled us apart? What happened _exactly_? I want to, need to know so that maybe I can find a way to fix it. So that maybe I don't have to do it alone. Is it dependence, or fear that makes me want him to stay? Or is it because I'll just genuinely miss him? Because deep down, I love him still, and don't want to lose him. Maybe the sooner I accept it's that, the sooner I can find a way to repair everything that's happened.

"Cain?"

Without words he looks back at me, walking, straight towards his goal. Sleepiness overcomes me but I drudge onward. I've slowed him down enough, and if I have to force him to stay then it defeats the purpose. I want Cain to stay because _he_ wants to stay. Not because I'm forcing him.

"What happened? Why…why are we doing this? I just want to know. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet."

There. There I said it and goddamn if it wasn't hard. I stop walking and let the heavy wind hit me full blast. If it wasn't for my armor, I'd have a chilly shudder. But I feel nothing but warm radiation and tears welling in my eyes as I water waiting for him to answer.

"Cain!"

I shout this time, growing impatient. Cain stops walking and stands with his back to me. The wind picks up. There's a storm moving in. It's never this windy unless there's a storm.

"We don't have time for this."

He says, still not facing me. Still not looking back.

"I just want to know what happened. I just want a chance to _try_."

"You're only scared because soon you'll be alone. You don't want to try, Dizzy. We don't have time for this. Come on."

Time. It's always about time as if we're not some ethereal beings meant to outlive any human. As if we're not ageless like my mother and father. I need mom and dad right about now. Looking up to the sky, in a bizarre mixture of tired and stressed, I yell. Not at anyone or anything in particular but because sometimes, you just need to. You just need to yell and let it all out.

But my yelling causes Cain to stop walking once more and turn round. He's not worried, worried isn't the expression shown on his face. It's concern, mixed with hurt, and a bit of pain, too.

"I just wanted to get it out."

I tell him even though he doesn't ask. He says nothing for the moment, but stares me down with those icy eyes. We share those eyes. Looking at Cain, I feel like I'm looking at myself.

"You need to rest. When we get to Falls Church, we can stop for a few hours."

Falls Church Metro. It's right beside the Citadel. Resting there would ensure that when I woke, we would be at the ruins in less than an hour. Why? Why can't he let me rest now, so I can just put off this entire ordeal while I figure out what I want? While I try to determine if I'm truly just scared of being alone, or if I still love Cain as I once did? But I know I've wasted enough of his 'time', and he won't play by my rules. He needs me, but this far away from Megaton, I know that he'll continue on without me and risk shutdown if I don't follow. He won't comply with me out here, on his terms. I have no choice but to keep following him, yards behind, begging my mother and father to please, please just help me. I need them. I need them so much.


	13. All You Want is Mama's Arms

Mid-Afternoon, I'm sluggish, slow and unresponsive. Thankfully, we've met no enemies or dangers. I'm a walking target at this point, due to my lack of sleep the night before. Cain and I haven't said a word to one another since this morning, and it's beginning to feel like it did on our way home from the north. I say 'north' now, because I'm not sure we made it to the Commonwealth. I try not to think about it, or what would have been different, had we found it. Ahead of Cain is the Falls Church Metro. Paces away from rest, and from the Citadel. My heart pounds, knowing my destination is just a few steps away and that the sooner I get there, the sooner I can rest.

"Are you ok?"

Cain asks me as we reach the entrance to the metro station.

"I'm just tired."

"You can rest for a few hours here. You'll need your strength in case there's enemies at the Citadel."

His voice is cold, uncaring, unflinching. I look up at him while he opens the entrance to the underground passage, but he doesn't look back. Maybe being alone will be alright. Maybe I can learn how to handle troubles in my relationships instead of ignoring them. This whole time I've been trying to figure out what's wrong. What had happened to us so many years ago, while at the same time handling the thought that once I lose Cain, I'll no longer have a family.

Sure, there's Gob. There will _always_ be Gob. But my mother and father are gone. Cain is my last attachment to my past, my home, my family and my memories. It's with Cain I can reminisce with. With Cain I feel safe and protected, and with him I feel no matter where I am, I am home.

"I know."

I say to him as we step inside. Like usual, I emit radiation to allow light. It isn't much, but it's enough for us to see, and to look and find a small side room for shelter, and protection. In the distance, the sounds of radroaches and molerats echo loudly. But we don't care for them. Feral ghouls have never bothered us, and as long as there are no people to fight or hidden super mutants, we'll be pretty alright. I'm not sure exactly, if it's sadness or emptiness that's creeping inside me as we find a small shelter. Sadness of losing Cain, and emptiness of knowing I'll be returning to Megaton alone. Though I'm hoping that there won't be a way to part, I know Cain won't leave without one. Until we've turned those entire ruins upside down in frantic searching and exhausted every option there available to us, Cain will not leave. Against what I want, I know that holding out hope of not finding anything is useless. Because at the end of the day, he's absolutely right. They wouldn't have made him without creating a way to take him back. I know this; I just don't want to admit it.

In our small room, there's nothing but a pre-war desk, and a small chair. Cain and I ignore the sounds of the creatures deeper into the tunnels, locking the door behind us while I lay on the floor, using my pack as a pillow. I'm tired, and I don't want to look at him. The anxiety will only serve to keep me awake longer. And Cain is right, I will need my strength for later. But inside I'm nothing but turmoil and anxiety. Scared to be alone, scared to lose him. Scared to leave him and never look back, because I know now I'll never love anyone as I love him, and I know the dangers of having an android as advanced as him, a war machine, ending up alone.

But right now it doesn't matter. Laying down and using the small pack as a pillow, I curl into the fetal position, my back towards Cain. Despite my exhaustion, sleep takes a bit to set in. I listen to the echoes and hisses of feral ghouls and radraoches off in the distance of the metro tunnels. For the most part, the Capital Wasteland has stayed the same. The same enemies, the same mutants, the same ghouls and the same towns. Megaton grew, as did Rivet City. Well, as much as a floating decrepit pre-war air flight carrier can grow, that is. Sometimes, I think my home will be the only constant in my life. The only thing that will stay the same, it seems. When my parents die, as I grow, when I'm alone, and when the friends I have disperse, the Capital Wasteland will always be the same.

"Diz?"

I hear Cain say my name as sleep begins to invade me. My body feels heavy, like a weight bearing down. I don't feel the cold concrete below me, despite its discomfort. I'm just so tired, it seems that nothing else is important. Nothing else matters but drifting into a long, exhausted slumber. Nothing else, except figuring out what exactly Cain wants

"Hm?"

Cain sighs. He sounds so far away, so distant as I grow more and more tired. I don't think I'd be able to touch him, even though he's right beside me because he sounds so far away.

"…rest well."

He doesn't have to tell me twice. I sense there's something more he wants to say. No, I _know_ there's something more he wants to say. I'm just too tired to pursue it. I'm too tired to try and pry it out of him, and get him to understand or listen. Instead, I just let sleep and exhaustion overpower me. Despite my location, despite the discomfort of the floor beneath me, and my head laying on my lumpy, small, pack. I find myself happily drifting away into a deep, deep slumber.

But as I fall to sleep, in my dreams, I'm in a new world. A world that's warm, white, and soft. I'm not touching anything, but I just know by looking around that it's soft. That the endless, bright nothing doesn't frighten me, but instead comforts me. I'm not afraid here, in my dreams, in my strange land. It's empty, barren, but I don't feel lonely. Like being wrapped in a white blanket of radiation. It's peaceful here, and I know I don't want to leave. Though there's still sadness, the sadness here is bearable. I don't think about the fear of losing Cain, I don't think about the fear of being alone. Here, in my sleep, I think only of the small comforts my life has. Of Gob, and the adventures I've yet to enjoy. I think in a strange, uncanny optimism that wasn't there before. Is there a way to bring this place home with me? To the waking world, where I can visit it anytime I want? Or instead, would that be considered running away? Fear of facing my problems head-on, and instead retreating to a place they don't exist?

"Dizzy?"

Somewhere, a voice. A voice that fills me with an indescribable feeling. A voice that I know, and a voice that I miss.

"Mom…?"

Sadness exists in this place I've found. I know, because it swells inside of me, when I turn and see my mother walking towards me. Her confidence, her posture, all the ways she carries herself reminds me so much of her. I know it's not her, but a figment of my mind. My memories, playing a cruel and unjust trick on me. In this world I find peace, there has to be something to disrupt it. My mother reaches me, and smiles. My knees feel weak. I've missed her so much. Losing your parents is one of the hardest things a person could ever go through. Everyone needs a mother, everyone needs a father. I was lucky to have mine as long as I did. But selfishly, I wished to have them longer. The memory and image before me, taking the shape of mom, opens her arms to embrace me. I can't help it, and I fall into her.

I wrap my arms around mom, the memory of her, whatever 'she' is. I hold her close, and cry from both relief and pain. Cry because I've missed her so much, and because I'm so happy she's here. Since she and dad passed, I never got the chance to dream of her. I never did dream of her. This is the first time, and I needed to see her in the worst possible way.

"Mom…"

I say to her, still holding her closely. She's taller than me, just like she was before she died. The feel of her body is the same, her scent, her hair, everything. It only makes me embrace her tighter, and she returns my grip.

"Dizzy. Dizzy it's alright, I'm here. Dizzy, it's me. It's alright, sweetheart."

Her voice. Her voice is just as beautiful as I remember. Deep, sultry, comforting. That voice that would sing me sweet songs till I slept. That voice that scolded me, and laughed with me. That voice that came from the one woman I've ever truly loved. My mom. It's my mom's voice.

"Mom…I just missed you. I missed you so much. Mom I need you."

I hear her chuckle as she gently pulls away from me. With her hands she wipes the tears from my dirty face. Her hands are still rough, calloused from her life in the Capital Wasteland. But the roughness of them holds a comfort and a softness nobody else can bring me. Something nobody can offer me, but my mom.

"I know, I'm sorry I can't be there for you. But I'm here now. I'm here, tell me what you need. Tell me what I can do."

I don't question how she knows. I don't question anything anymore. I don't care if it's a memory, or a mind trick or a dream. I don't care what it is, because it's exactly what I need.

"Mom I need you."

I grasp her hands in mine, and feel my eyes begin to water.

"I know you do. That's why I'm here now. Tell me what you need."

"I'm scared, mom. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared."

She smiles at me and runs her fingers through my hair.

"That's life, baby. That's life. You're going to be scared a lot in the years to come. You'll always be scared, change, life, is scary. But you're my daughter, and I know you'll be alright."

"But mom, mom I don't know. I don't know what to do."

"About what? Calm down, Dizzy, that's the first step. Breathe with me."

Together, mom and I take deep, slow breaths. She makes me mimic her breathing until I can do it on my own. Until all the sadness and anxiety has left me, and together we can talk about what I need. We can talk about what to do, and in a way only my mom knows how, offer advice.

"Good. That's good, Dizzy. You've grown a lot since I've last seen you. I'm so proud of you."

It means a lot, even coming from memory. A figment of my imagination. Inside, it brings me some closure and peace. An insecurity I didn't even know I had. The fear of letting down my mother.

"Mom. Mom what do I do?"

"About what?"

"Cain."

Without explanation, she knows. I don't know how, but I figure since she's part of my mind, she just knows. She knows because my mind knows. I can't think of an easier way to express it, but to me, it makes sense. Yet, surprisingly, my mom smiles. She smiles at me, in the wake of my fear and despair. Mom, like typical mom, she smiles.

"You do, though Dizzy. You know what to do. You just have to figure it out on your own."

"Mom that doesn't help! I'm scared. What path is right? What do I do?"

Mom lets go of my hands, and shakes her head in an approving and 'I told you so' sort of way.

"Dizzy. There is no right or wrong path in life. There's only the path that you want. The one that makes you most happy."

"But what makes me happy, mom? At first I thought I wanted to be alone. But now…now I don't know what I want."

"That's life, honey. That's life. Not knowing, not being sure, but trying it anyways. There isn't anything in life that isn't fixable unless you die. Everything else, can be fixed. Everything, can be healed, and you can move on."

While I understand what she's saying, it isn't what I want to hear. I want to hear what I'm supposed to do. What direction I'm supposed to go in and whether or not I follow Cain and try again. But she doesn't tell me. Her advice here, like it was when she was alive, is the same. Alluding only to give me hazes of what it is I'm supposed to do. All mom ever did was guide me. It was, ultimately, up to me to make my own choices. Up to me, to decide what was best for me, and learn from the choices I had made.

"I'm scared if we part, I'll never see him again."

I admit. I finally admit it. I admit that while I'm not scared to be alone, I am scared of losing Cain. Because he's my love. Because he was my love, is still my love, and always has been. Because to lose him would feel like losing the last part of myself, my past, my future, everything. It just took me too long to realize that in the end, I don't want to leave him. I don't want to lose him. I love him. I always have loved him, it was just buried in the pain and anger of the journey. Buried, but always there. Always resonating. I just, never noticed it before.

"You love him still."

Mom says, reading the pained look on my face, as the tears drip down freely.

"…I didn't know I did."

She smiles at me, rubbing my cheek.

"There is nothing wrong, with loving another human being so much. There isn't anything wrong in choosing to face the world alone, or choosing to stay beside the person you love. As long as you are happy."

Mom knows, because mom made these choices before. Mom chose to leave dad, and chose to return. Mom and dad both lived without the other, and survived. They returned, reunited, and fell only deeper in love.

"But what if Cain doesn't want me?"

While my value of myself isn't based on Cain's love or approval of me, the rejection will still hurt nonetheless. Having the person you love reject you is, I imagine, close to losing your parents on the scale of pain.

"Well if he's anything like your father he'll be ready to save a damsel in distress so just pretend you need his help."

She says it in a joking manner, and I admit, it makes me crack a smile.

"No, but really Dizzy. If Cain truly doesn't want you, then I'm not sure what to say. Just know that although it'll feel like the end of the world, it won't be. It'll hurt, but you will manage."

"Did dad ever not want you?"

Mom thinks it over a bit, and shakes her head in confidence.

"I suppose, there were times. But it wasn't because he didn't want me, just moral obligation to not be with me. Your father dated a woman with a child for a time, while I was in New Vegas. They were together when I returned."

"What'd you do?"

"Took what was mine. It was much more convoluted and dramatic than how I'm telling you, but I did. I kept at it, despite knowing it was wrong."

"Why?"

"Because I knew we were meant to be. Because I knew your father was mine, and mine alone. My soul mate. My love. When you're sure of something that serious, you do anything you can to keep it. Because it's rare, and comes maybe once or twice in your life, if you're sincerely lucky."

"How did you know though?"

Mom shrugs, and gives her usual, quirky smile.

"I just knew. I knew the difference in happiness. When I was alone, and when I was with him. When I was alone the happiness was there, but empty. Lacking. As if I wanted to share it with him, and only him. When I was happy _with_ your father, I hadn't ever felt such fulfillment before. As if nothing could measure up."

"…If I spent time alone, and compare how I feel, then I'll know?"

"Everyone is different, Dizzy. But what matters is, when your heart knows what's right, you'll know. It's just something that comes to you. I guess that's very bland advice, but it's true. When you know, you just know. It does work."

I understand. It's something you can't fully explain. Something a person has to experience on their own, and journey towards. Something you can only realize with experience. Experience in losing my loved one is something I don't have. Maybe, parting from Cain even for a short time, will help me learn and guide me in my life. Maybe, sooner rather than later, I'll learn if the path I'm meant to take is with Cain, or alone. I won't know, until I try.

"You're going to be fine, Dizzy. I am always here for you, whenever you need me."

I hug my mom. I soak in her touch, her scent, and replay the sound of her voice over and over in my mind. I don't want to leave this place, but I know soon I'll be forced to. But here, with my mom, even if it's all a dream, gave me a comfort I've been longing for and missing for such a long time.

"Please take care of dad."

I say to her as I squeeze her tighter.

"You'll see your father soon. He's happy, and he's proud of you, too."

"I miss you guys."

"We miss you too. Your father also asked me to tell you to please, do your best. And don't fraternize with raiders."

Dad. I love you, dad.

"I think I just need time to figure out who I want to fraternize with."

"That's my girl."

We hold one another, but soon, mom slowly begins to dissipate. I can't explain it better than that. She just starts dissolving in my arms, the feel of her body against mine growing lighter, and lighter. My tears have nothing more to land on, because soon I'm alone. The white world that I once felt so much comfort and warmth in, is now lonely and cold. I look around, wiping the tears from my eyes, and sigh heavily. I don't want to be alone any more, but I have to. I have to be strong, I have to be brave. If not for myself, then for everyone else around me. I have to be.


	14. With One Kiss, We Begin

When my eyes open, I temporarily forget where I am in the world. As my vision focuses, the gray concrete ceiling of the metro station comes into view. The singular, overhead light blinds me for a minute, and when I touch my face I feel my wet cheeks. In my sleep, I was crying. Mom. It was mom I dreamed of. Mom, whom I miss so much. Her words flash in my mind, her voice, and the advice she offered. Though it was bland advice, I was lucky enough to at least dream of her. I haven't since her and dad passed. Haven't seen them in three or more years. For me, it felt like an eternity.

"You're awake."

Beside me, Cain sits against the wall. His eyes meet mine, and he notices my wet face as I use my gloves to dry my cheeks.

"You were crying in your sleep, you know."

As if I was oblivious.

"Yeah. Yeah I know. How long was I out?"

I ask, sitting up with my stiff back from laying on the concrete.

"Eight hours, six minutes, fifty-five seconds."

What? What's with that specific time? It strikes a chord in me. Cain hasn't ever said such a specific time before, for any reason. Maybe I'm overthinking things, but I decide to remember that he did this, and pay attention to small changes. Is there something he's not telling me?

"Why so specific?"

My tone is comical, as if I find the exchange humorous. Truthfully, I don't. It worries me, but if he notices that, I'm sure he'll just hide it more. He'll want me gone faster.

"You asked."

Cold. His tone was cold, and we are silent as we raise and stretch from our positions on the floor. Carefully, I watch him from the corner of my eye. He gathers his things, avoiding glancing my way. He says nothing as we leave the room, both unanimously understanding that this is it. This will be the last day we're together, as the Citadel Ruins are just an hour or two from here. The last day I'll walk behind him, the last day I'll see his smile.

Mom's advice echoes in my mind. A still reminder of her voice, and making the knot in my stomach bigger. It wasn't like I ever truly wanted to tell Cain how much I liked him. Because I knew if I did I'd never be able to live my life without him. I never wanted to say I loved him, or get as close to him as I did. Deep down, I didn't think it would end well. I _knew_ it wouldn't end well. There's nights where I wish we just never grew closer, and remained bitter, hateful young adults. Being alone and in love, a one-sided love, is probably the worst thing in the world. Though I didn't know back then how I wanted my life to turn out, I can say with confidence, that this was not it.

What did mom mean by 'I'll just know'? Will that truly happen? When I find my path and the destination I want, will my mind and body just 'know'? Will everything just fall into place, and how much work do I have to put into finding it? From what I know, mom and dad did a lot of work. A lot of suffering, for their happy ending. Could I be just as strong as she was? Could I endure the same suffering and pain with such confidence and grace as she did? Maybe…I just want to be like my mother so much, because I see her as such a strong woman. Maybe because I'm so scared and insecure of being viewed as weak, I do my best to emulate her, and her choices, instead of what I would want. But, what _do_ I want? In my dream, I said I wanted Cain. I wanted to stay beside him. But in this world, the waking, real world, I'm scared of the rejection. I'm scared of being viewed as codependent. Needy, not being able to survive alone. But, alone…alone and in love. How sad is that?

Looking up at Cain as we navigate the tunnels expertly, despite having been absent for a few years, I wonder what he's thinking? I wonder how come it's so easy for him to simply ignore me, and 'get over' me as quickly as he did. Could it be because he's an android? That he can compartmentalize everything and get over emotional turmoil quickly and efficiently? No, that's silly. While my chest hurts with every heartbeat, it's because I still love him. But Cain fell out of love with me a long, long time ago. I can't bear to look at him anymore, and so I opt to stare at my feet, something my father would scold me for doing as a child. It keeps your eyes off the environment around you. Tears drip onto the concrete, and even if I tried my best to stop them, I wouldn't be able to. Dad would tell me it's alright to be scared, because being scared means you care about something enough. Like being scared of dying, means you care enough to live. I don't need any more half-assed reminders that I love Cain. I just want today to be over with. I want to go home, in the worst possible way. I want to see Gob, and feel like I still have a family. A small, broken, but still good family. Just me, and Gob. I really wish I could just turn on my heels now, and go while Cain isn't paying me any mind, but I know at least, I have to see him to the Citadel Ruins. That way, he can have more time there to research. I've opted not to stay beside him and look, making that choice all by myself. Mainly, because it's easier to rip the gauze off faster, than peel it off slowly.

"You don't need help with finding a way to part, do you?"

Maybe, he's right, and the solution will be right behind the entranceway. That way he won't have to suffer. Emerging from the tunnels, I can see the ruins in the short-distance. It's there, and my fate is nearly sealed.

"…I shouldn't, no. You'd only get in the way."

"You won't have any issues without me, will you? You'll have enough time?"

Cain's jaw clenches as I walk beside him now. His dark-red hair flows in the wind, and I smile sadly to myself as I remember how I used to run my fingers through it at night. His hair is straight, thick, smooth.

"I should."

He sounds confident, but I still don't believe him. The option of him shutting down didn't cross my mind, because before I woke up I figured I'd be beside him until he was able to find something. I realize now, that he's probably right, there is a cure, and that staying would just prolong the inevitable. I'm trying to be stronger, but I can't be that strong. At least, not yet.

"Then…when you get in there, I'm going to go back home. I think…I think for me it'd be easier that way. To just…go. You know?"

He stops walking and faces me. It catches me off guard, and my heart pounds in my chest.

"Cain?"

I ask, confused and anxious. Why is he looking at me so intently? Why is he stopping? We have just a little bit more to go. Please stop delaying the inevitable. Please.

"Why don't you just turn back now? You wasted enough of my time sleeping for eight hours, to complete an hour walk."

"You never woke me, that isn't my fault. I didn't mean to sleep so long."

Bump. Bump. Ba-dump, bump, bump. It's my heart. And it's going crazy. Against my control, I feel my radiation seeping and warming me, as my skin begins to lightly glow in the night air.

"You should just turn back now, then. You can get home within the night, if you hurry."

Cain turns to continue towards the Citadel Ruins, and with shaking hands I grab his arm.

"Wait. Wait, please."

His eyes meet mine, my eyes, as tears come back.

"…Will you just come back and let me know you're ok? Will you just please do that, so I can deal with this a little easier? Please?"

I'm only biding time. But I am half-serious. My whole body is shaking, and I feel Cain's muscles relax under my hand.

"Please, stop crying. I will. I will come back and let you know I'm alright."

A soft tone I haven't heard in such a long, long time. It only makes everything so much worse. So much worse and it makes me so much more nervous I just can't stop the words from flowing. Mom. Mom used to jokingly call it 'verbal diarrhea'. Mom. Please, mom, help me.

"I still love you. I haven't ever stopped loving you. I know, you don't care. I know that I've been mean. I do, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I forgot what it meant to be 'us'. I'm sorry. I love you. I still do. I never, ever stopped. Can you just know that? Can you?"

He stares at me, with his hard expression growing softer. His arms relax, and we stare at one another for seconds that feel like hours. Before I can say goodbye, or anything more, Cain's arms wrap around my shoulders. He embraces me, tightly, pulling me into his chest. I can't help but cry.

"I really, really still do love you."

I sob into him, gripping his old duster jacket. His grip on me tightens, and I pretend I don't feel his lips against the top of my head. I pretend I don't feel his own tears fall on my neck. Because if I felt them for real, if I acknowledged them, I'd never be able to go.

"I know. I know Dizzy. I know I'm so sorry. I am. I have to go. I have to go to the Citadel."

"Please…just stay."

"I can't. I can't I'm sorry."

I lift my head to look at him. He leans down, and kisses me for the first time in years. A long, passionate, emotional, kiss. It warms me, it makes the green in me glow bright, and I tangle my fingers in his hair.

"I have _always_ loved you too."

Tears flow down his cheeks and he holds my face in his hands, gently, but firmly. If he loves me, if he loves me and makes all these tidal waves of emotions return like this, then _why_ does he have to go? The cruelty and irony doesn't escape me, but I'm too hurt to protest. I'm too hurt to argue, and too proud to beg. Instead, I let Cain kiss my forehead, and watch him as he slowly makes his way to the Citadel Ruins. I watch him, my sobs and tears causing me to nearly hyperventilate, and I know I look like I hot mess. I know that I do and my entire body screams at me to chase him. It screams and pulls and cries and begs me to go after him. But my pride doesn't let me. I respect his wish to do this alone. My pride keeps me firmly planted in place, until debris hides him from my sight. Until there's no Cain left for me to watch vanish. But it hurts even more, as I turn to head back to Megaton,that he never looked back. It makes me doubt he'll keep his promise to return.


	15. The Sadness I Carry on My Shoulders

(Cain)

 _System Operations: 32%_

It started before we got to the proper Commonwealth. Dizzy, I know she thinks we never made it. She's unsure, I could tell by her confusion when we arrived, the red haze and congested air. She's right. We never did make it. Purposefully, I veered us west. I changed out route without her knowing, when I realized what was happening. Once I figured it out, once I knew what was to come, that's when everything changed. When I knew I had to abandon everything, and do what was best, despite the pain and turmoil it caused, and continues to cause. It's for the best, all of it. It's for Dizzy's happiness, her future.

Travelling was hard, but the two of us, we were strong. We were working together, sharing and making memories. Having adventures. Travelling. It was probably the best time of my life, the most important and dear to me. I'll have those memories, and hold them close when the world grows dark. Nights where I'm too anxious to sleep, I remember them. They bring me comfort, and a small bit of peace. At least for a time, I could make her happy. For a time, Dizzy smiled at me, and I felt like I could conquer the world.

The two of us were so close to the Commonwealth. The air was changing, I could smell the salty ocean, and I just _knew_ we were days from our destination. Navigating the northeastern trails and railways was a bit difficult, but we enjoyed the challenge. We relished in the new world, the tall trees. Sure, they were dead, bare and mostly fallen, but the mountains and hills they lined were beautiful, in a macabre way. Dizzy and I were tossing small rocks into the distance as we walked, listening for enemies and keeping an extra eye out for attackers. Up there, the enemies are a bit tougher than down here. Their ambushes aren't led by drug-induced, angry raiders, but more like an organized crime, a gang that reminds me of the ones in New Vegas. Some of them, even had metal weapons and clothing you could only acquire in the Pitt. It somehow made me feel good, to know we weren't the only two wanderers in the world. That others left their homes, in search of whatever they were looking for.

There we were, though. Tossing rocks, talking without words and enjoying one another as well as the land. It seemed more fertile than the land back home, excluding Megaton.

 _System Operation Shutdown: Commence_

A voice. A robotic voice in my head. When I heard it, I looked at Dizzy but she was aimlessly staring off into the sky. She hadn't heard it, and for a moment I thought I imagined it. I thought I was just simply imagining things. I brushed it off for a few minutes, went back to my careless thoughts and hopes, wondering what would happen once we got to the Commonwealth. What it would look like, who we would meet, what trouble there would be to find. Then it happened again.

 _System Operations: 99%_

This time, I felt scared. Dizzy noticed and expressed concern but I laughed it off. There wasn't a need to worry her if it turned out to be just a glitch. On our journey, I would often forget I was first an android, and second, a human.

"What is happening?"

I thought to myself, hoping for a response. Before, when I was shut down in the past, there was a voice. A softer robotic voice that felt to me like a visual manual. An evil manual, but a manual. I wondered if I was insane, or if maybe it was implemented in my programming to answer questions our facilities didn't teach us. Or maybe, it was only intended to be for me. Regardless, since that time I hadn't heard it. There weren't any voices or programs I could hear working or running, before today. It frightened me.

Silence for a while, the wind blowing in my ears, it was colder up near the Commonwealth. I know it was crazy, I know mentally talking to myself is crazy, but I had to try. We weren't even sure if there were actual answers waiting for us up in the Commonwealth to begin with, other than Androids had fled there when Dezbe was traversing all over the wasteland.

 _Have you asked a question?_

The voice. The voice from before. I look over at Dizzy once more to realize that no, she truly cannot hear it. Only I can, and it's in my own mind.

"What are you?"

 _System Information. I am only programmed to answer limited questions._

System Information? How come I've never heard of this before? Then again, I'd never asked my own mind a question. Philosophically, I have. But never addressing my own mind as its own entity.

"What does the System Operations percentage mean?"

If the AI is only programmed to answer a limited form of questioning, I should stick right to the point, and figure it out. Hopefully, it's nothing to worry about. I know better now, but I was hopeful back then. I truly was.

 _Your System Operations is shutting down._

"But what does it _mean_?"

 _I'm sorry, I can only answer a limited amount of questions. Please rephrase your question and ask again._

I have no words for the frustration I feel.

"What will happen when System Operations completes?"

Since it's at a percentage, I figured it'll have a completion, either 100 or 0%, whichever direction it chooses to go. I remember hoping that Dizzy couldn't hear me talking to myself. I didn't want her to worry.

 _Completion of System Operations program will result in 100% shutdown of all systems_

"What does 'systems' consist of?"

 _All brain functionality will cease to operate._

Hearing that made me stop dead in my tracks. Dizzy wandered ahead, oblivious to the world. When she noticed me standing on the tracks, stunned, she grew concerned. I brushed it off, told her I thought I had seen something. Really, a tidal wave of dread had come over me.

"So, I'll die?"

 _You will cease to function as you have been designed._

Death. To people like Dizzy and myself, death was a foreign thing. It was something not fully inevitable, something so far off that it was a mythical being to us. Because Charon and Dezbe had exceeded average lifetimes, because ghouls from pre-war still exist, for people like us, it was never something we imagined would happen naturally. Something we never thought about. When I heard that it was knocking on my own door, I nearly broke down on the spot. But on those railroad tracks, I knew if I lost my composure, Dizzy would suspect and know something was up. She would worry. I knew I couldn't let that happen.

"How much time do I have left?"

 _System Operations depends on exertion of self. If more exertion is present, System Operations will progress faster. At this time, there is insufficient data to give a conclusive timeline._

"…In what order will my body shut down?"

 _Least important to most important to ensure basic functionality for the longest period of time. Your sense of touch will diminish first. From there, pain, pleasure, and other nervous systems. You will eventually lose feeling of your feet, moving upwards. After completion, your organs will cease to function from least importance to greatest._

Touch. My sense of touch. I'll lose it. I won't be able to feel the dirt in my hand, the softness of the ground, my clothes, or Dizzy. I won't be able to feel her hand in mine, or her soft skin. Her kiss, her grip, nothing. I realized then how everyone takes such simple and commonplace things for granted. Something as small as the feel of another on your skin, or the feel of wind grazing your cheeks. Eventually, I won't feel it. I won't feel any of it.

"How do I stop it?"

 _Return to Washington Base 3605 before System Operations is complete._

"It no longer exists. Is there another place?"

 _I can only answer a limited number of questions. Please rephrase._

"Are there any other facilities other than Washington Base 3605?"

 _Negative._

Without a time-frame given, I was unsure then if Dizzy and I would make it to the Commonwealth and back. The issue also, was that she would want to stay. There wouldn't be a way to convince her to go back to the Capital Wasteland once we arrived. That day, filled with fear and uncertainty, I chose to divert our journey. If I could lead her to somewhere else, a place of despair or emptiness, her willingness to go back home would increase. Her drive to get back home and see all of her friends once more would rise up without issue. But I knew if I told her the real reason, her future would be in jeopardy.

Growing closer to the Citadel Ruins, I can't remember exactly when I stopped feeling. I stopped feeling pain, and my sense of touch is long gone. I'm sure my brain would be screaming in pain, if I could feel it. I'm sure I would be sore, aching, tired. I feel none of these things. I feel no exhaustion, no weakness, nothing. In some aspects it's beneficial. But knowing _why_ I feel them…it's…frightening. Emotions are felt still. I'm not sure why. But I feel those, when I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't hide from Dizzy. I wish I could have told her, but there's no real way to know if I can survive this. If she were to know, and stay here with me, then I know she'd never leave. Her devotion to me when we left the Capital Wasteland was admirable, and flattering. We loved one another, and we still do. Which is why she couldn't know, and can never know. At least now she has a chance. A shot at a somewhat normal life, without me, which is how I wanted it all to turn out. I wanted to push her away and make her feel as much pain as I could, make her hate me even. I wanted to do it all so then maybe, maybe the woman would have a fighting chance.

Knowing she'll live without me, knowing she'll one day find love and happiness again hurts. My slowly-beating heart almost stops when I think of it. My organs are shutting down, slowly, but they are. The AI inside of me tells me whenever I ask what's functioning still. Nothing in my body is working at 100%. Nothing has been for a while. I know Dizzy will go back to Jason. Although I despise him, hate him from the bottom of my failing gut, I know she'll be alright with him. They are the same, and it killed me to have her drag him back to Megaton. Because I know he'll be my replacement. Two idiots who can glow in the dark will make a nice couple. But it hurts. Because I still love her. I never, ever stopped loving her. I only did all of this _for_ her. I made sure when my arms or legs wouldn't work for a time, to hide it. To force myself along, which in the long run was detrimental to my own self. But Dizzy couldn't know. She simply couldn't. All I can do is relish in the memories of the last time we were intimate, and try to hold how she felt against me close to my heart. Because I don't know if I'll ever feel it again.

As I punch in the code to open the door to the main facility, the ruins and debris look worse than they did the last time I was here. They look more burned, more scorched, and more…decrepit. The raiders who flock here must have had a jolly time, ruining this place. I hope inside it's not still infested with them. Maybe the passing of time pushed them out. Though where I was created, I know that room is safe. A half a floor, rooms, dedicated to my creation. Under the most top-secret security and surveillance. It's safe there, my only issue is getting there in one piece.

My body is shutting down. It isn't the hardened machine it once was. If Charon was around still, he could break me in an instant, because I wouldn't be able to fight back. The kickback of my gun is even getting harder to handle. While the vault entrance opens, the large door moving from place, I breathe in and notice the air is a bit thicker. From the condition of the door, it doesn't look like it's been opened in years, though I'm not sure how many. I know that the smell would overpower me, if I still had the ability to smell. Instead I step inside, the door closing behind me, and lights coming on above me.

Around my feet, the dead and decaying bodies of raiders scatter the platforms and catwalks. They don't look like they died of a violent episode, almost as if they laid down and decided to give up. Had they been locked in? It confuses me. What caused their death?

 _System Operations: 31%._

No. Another percent. Whatever caused the deaths of these raiders doesn't concern me. I have to make it to the lower floors, the one I was created on.

"I've arrived at Washington Base 3605."

I say aloud, now that I'm alone. It doesn't make me feel as crazy as when I think to myself.

 _Arrival: Confirmed. Proceed to testing labs._

Confirmed? There must be some hardware, a GPS, something to track me. Here, I'll discover everything I need to know. I'll figure out what to do with myself, how to stop it, and hopefully, eventually, return to Dizzy. I miss her. I've missed her for so long.

"Can you tell me the proper recovery procedures to avoid system failure?"

 _Negative. I am only programmed to answer a limited amount of questions. Please speak with Dr. Chan._

Chan. A name I've nearly forgotten. A name I haven't remembered since Dezbe rescued me from this place. Chan was one of the top researchers involved in my development. By now, Chan is most likely dead. The raiders scattered everywhere tell me that this place wasn't meant to be inhabited for long periods of time, lest something will happen. I'm assuming a security protocol, something to make sure those who don't know about how to stop it, will die from it. Like a timed-gas released into the ventilation system. Though it's a theory, it's not something I would put past a facility like this. They went to extreme measures to not only produce top-soldiers, but also survive the war and keep their systems effective, even to this day. I know Charon was monitored up until he broke in with Dezbe. The productivity of this place, the resilience, the terror, amazes me.

Navigating down the platforms and onto the main floor, it's like I lose control of myself. My body feels like it's on autopilot, that even if I didn't return willingly, I'd be forced to. Most of the time I'd forget I was even a machine. Forget that I was created, and assume I was just like everyone else. It's an advanced creation, and it's not like I have mechanical gears clicking and reminding me I'm an android. Yet, here I am. I returned to the place I was created to seek maintenance. I was faced with my mortality, and am looking for a failsafe. There had to have been _something_ put in place, they wouldn't want me to shut down, to die, after centuries of hard work to create me. I cling to that hope as if it's the only thing keeping me alive. In many ways, I believe it is.

I remember how cruel I began to act towards Dizzy, as the System Operations percentage began decreasing. I started not speaking. I began ignoring her, brushing her off. Many times, I caused her to cry. I pushed her away and to her, it looked like I fell out of love entirely. Truthfully, I only loved her more. As if it was to compensate for the immense pain I was forcing her to go through, a residual effect of all the guilt that continues to weigh me down. I know I did it for her best interest, there wouldn't be a way to communicate to her, tell her I'm effectively dying, and for her to have a happy future. Even if that future doesn't include me, all I want is her happiness. She's grown and matured in amazing ways. Her ability to withstand a fight, to survive and endure reminds me of the very man I'm molded after. I may be a creation of Charon, but Dizzy inherited every aspect that made him a war-machine. Dizzy, her reliance, determination, and ability to analyze a situation kept her alive. All of it, to me, is admirable. I just wish I could have told her. I wish I could have told her everything.

"What are my chances of survival?"

 _Insufficient data to formulate conclusion._

The more I exert myself, the faster I shut down. Thankfully it's taken a long while to get as dysfunctional as I am. But the lower the percentage drops, the faster it drops. My body shuts down to reserve energy. That energy is waning thin, which is why when we made it back to the Capital Wasteland, I had to return here quickly. It's why there wasn't time to sit and lollygag about Megaton. Because it took us much, much longer than expected to return home. It took much longer, to fix the purposeful change I made to our destination. There was a time, where I was worried I'd shut down still too far from home. That Dizzy would have to be told, and she would wind up trying to carry me, or worse, staying with my body. I know she wouldn't leave me alone, dead or alive, in an unknown land.

My hands were tied. I had no choice. I kept these secrets from her to ensure her safety, to ensure that she at least had a fighting chance. Before Charon had passed, he told me how he was proud of the man I had become. That by overcoming my programing, he was completely confident I would take care of Dizzy, never letting anything bad happen to her. He made me swear to him, promise, that I'd never let her down. Time and time again, he asked me to repeat that promise as his death grew closer and closer. A worried father, he passed his daughter to me to protect, to teach, to keep safe from the harm of the world. While we both know neither Dizzy nor her mother truly needed protecting from anyone, that they're capable of handling themselves, it comforted Charon to have me there. 'Just in case,' he'd say to me. In case something happened, someone hurt her. Back then, Charon never expected me to become what I have. He never felt I would hurt her. He…had the most faith in me. He loved both Dizzy and Dezbe dearly. Deeply, and honestly, he loved them. That man's entire life was changed by Dezbe once, and again by Dizzy. Those two women meant more to him than I could ever comprehend. And here I stand, venturing slowly deeper into the facility that created him, us, after letting him down and breaking that promise. Would Charon have understood my motives, or would he have forced me to find another way? That's a question I can't answer. A question nobody can any more.

Doors open and lights flicker as I make my way deeper into the facility than anyone has been in a long, long while. I know because the doors are securely sealed, by passwords, turret systems, and monitoring cameras. They're unmanned, so it isn't like anyone has to be alive in order to start an attack. Had I brought Dizzy, I bet she would have tripped something. It makes me smile to think about. Her foolishness, would have certainly caused me to force myself to be more active than I can spare.

"I miss her."

I say both to myself, and to the AI within my programming.

 _You miss your companion._

The AI states back. It hasn't acknowledged Dizzy before. Then again I haven't addressed Dizzy directly to him. Haven't mentioned her, or tried having a 'conversation' with it. But, I've also never been alone, either.

"How do you know her?"

 _I know everything about you, Subject One._

My name. My true name. It was given to me as the first successful implementation of cloning an android. Subject One. That's me, Cain.

"You think we'll be able to override this? Survive?"

 _I have insufficient data to answer that question._

"Oh, so you don't believe in true love?"

Charon would tell me stories at night, alongside Dezbe. Of princes, princesses, witches and evil spells. They'd tell me that 'true love's kiss' could break any curse. As a child, I dreamed of days where I too, could save a sleeping princess, slay a giant lizard, and have an ending such as that. Or at least, and ending like Charon and Dezbe were able to have together. Although I always felt Dizzy would enjoy the dragon-slaying bit.

 _I cannot feel._

Robots can't feel. There is no difference between a man and a machine, if neither one can feel. Maybe that's why I was a success at surviving this long, or maybe it's why I'm shutting down. If I felt nothing, no emotional response to anything, maybe it'd be easier to let go, and not try to pull Dizzy down any more than I have. The guilt eats away, as it has for years. But finally making it into the laboratory I was created in, all I can feel is a sense of relief. Relief, that maybe, somewhere in these old computers and papers, there's an answer for me

For safety reasons, and paranoia, I shut the door behind me. I haven't needed food or water in a long while, so I have no reason to keep the door unlocked. I have no reason to venture off of this floor for any reason, unless it's to return to Dizzy. To Megaton. To apologize and explain that while I was an asshole, my intentions were good. I hope it that time comes, she will forgive me. I truly do.


	16. Rain

(Dizzy)

I could do anything, if Cain was still with me. I feel I could take over the world six whole times, if he was only here beside me. I could, I know it. As I trekked across the Capital Wasteland, it was late the next night by the time I was able to return to the familiar, irradiated feel of Megaton. For the first time, I ventured somewhere without Cain. It didn't feel different. To be honest, I can't feel much of anything. When I saw him vanish behind the debris, far off on the horizon, he took my feelings and emotions with him. The tears ceased to flow, and my feet guided me onward, back to home. Back to the only place in the world I've ever felt peaceful, calm and safe. But now, at the edge of town, I realize I don't even feel that.

Lights light up the reconstructed and larger Megaton. Shimmering lights that remind me of the stars in the sky. It's welcoming, the radiation from the ground offering warmth in the cool night air. Chilly night wind brushes my cheeks, as I stare out at my fair town. It's home, where I've always longed to be. Home, where I've been fighting to return to. But yet, it's not the same. My house will be empty, the townsfolk won't be aware, and in the population of Megaton, for the first time, I am simply a faceless wanderer. Since turning my back on the Citadel Ruins, and leaving Cain, soft tears well in my eyes as feelings rush inside me. Home, mom used to say, is where the heart is. That neither a city nor town nor settlement, can ever truly be a home, if there's no love inside of it. If there's nobody there, to make you want to return.

I'm alone now. An orphan, a loner. Without Cain, without mom or dad, who else will join me in my house? Who else, will join me in my adventures, and talk with me about the days? Who will make me laugh and challenge me? My whole life I've wanted to be alone. Maybe not 'alone' but, I don't know. I wanted to be apart during our venture back from the north. I wanted to experience the world for myself, to see where I belong. Standing here, amidst the late-night energy of Megaton while everyone peacefully sleeps, I don't understand why I don't feel the peace and solace I thought being alone would bring. Where is it? Where is my calm return? Where is my moment, where I realize that leaving was the right choice?

"Dizzy?"

Gob. He stands to my left, a cigarette in his hand. It seems like he was on a late-night stroll. In the darkness, I hardly saw him. Sheepishly, I raise a tired hand and wave at him as he comes closer.

"…Hi."

My voice is dry, cracked, and soft. Gob walks, illuminated by the twinkling lights of Megaton and the moon above. In the shadows that cast over him, he looks like a rouge traveler. Someone, I don't feel I know, yet I find such extreme comfort and companionship in. Someone who has been a constant in my life.

"What're you doing out here? Where's…"

Gob trails off, remembering why we had left in the first place. He tosses away his cigarette and stands before me, a few feet apart. His eyes soften, as if he's been down this road so many times before. As if he's always been someone's confidant of the most personal secrets, and comfort of the most torturing pain. Gob knew my mom longer than my dad did. Maybe, he understands me right now, more than anyone else.

"Gob…"

I say, before being overwhelmed by despair. I can't stop the sobs, and I can't stop myself from throwing my body into Gob's arms. I bury my face in his neck, I wrap my arms around him, and I cry. I cry and wail like I'm a wounded Brahman. My sobs are only stifled by his tattered white shirt. Familiar hands wrap around my back, fingers rub my sore muscles up and down, and lips place themselves on the top of my head in a comforting, motherly kiss.

"Shhh…shhh…you're alright. You're safe now, kid. You're safe, I'm here. I'm here for you, just let it out. Let it out."

He's got a few hundred years of comforting people under his belt. He knew how to comfort my mom. He knows how to comfort me. He's like this proverbial being my family has been forever blessed with. The transgenerational ghoul to follow the females in our family to make sure they're ok. To make sure everyone can stand upon their own two feet, and never have to be alone. It's through choking sobs that I realize, through all of my mother's and father's endeavors, it's been Gob whose guided and comforted them. That I doubt any of it would have been possible, without his ever understanding and ever knowing presence. That he, in many ways, is the strongest of us all.

"Gob…Gob…"

"I know, I know, kid. But you're alright, you're gonna be alright."

He doesn't judge me. He doesn't scold or tell me to toughen up. Instead he holds me, not asking questions, not getting annoyed. Only tightening his hold on me, and pulling me more into his chest. Like he's going to protect me from all the dangers and emotions I'm feeling. Like if I just rely on him, thinks will be alright. Is this how my mother felt, when she would be comforted by him, too?

"It hurts…"

I sob, pulling away gently. Gob sighs, and gives a small, reassuring smile.

"It will hurt. It's going to hurt for a while. But you don't have to endure it alone."

"I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared. We all are, at some points. It's normal."

"Why are you so smart?"

He chuckles at me, brushing some tears off of my face and cleaning my dirty cheeks with a rag stuffed into his pocket.

"I've been through my fair share of pain and heartbreak, kid. C'mon, I've got a few beers in this old pack, let's sit. If you want, you can tell me all about it."

Together, Gob and I walk to the front of my house, and sit on the grass. He takes two beers from his pack, and hands an open one to me. Sniffing my nose, I try to search for the fire bugs in the distance, but I think it's too late for them to be out.

"Gob?"

"Yeah?"

"What happens next?"

He sighs, and looks up towards the sky.

"Whatever you want to happen next. The world is yours. You just have to figure out what to do."

That's just it. I don't know. With this pain weighing me down, and the unknown future ahead, I'm not sure what to do. I think Gob senses my fright, and uneasiness.

"You don't have to choose right now. Take your time. Take time to heal."

"…I've just…always had someone in this house with me. I've always had…"

"Yeah. I know."

His voice is somber, and I hang my head low. He misses mom and dad, too.

"Your dad, he…he was a dear friend to me. We knew one another longer than I'd known your mother. His passing…well. I haven't dealt with it yet myself."

"You knew dad before mom?"

"Course I did. He lived with me in Underworld. Dirty bastard."

Hm. It makes me smile to hear Gob's unrestricted opinions of my mother and father. Very few people in this world could get away with calling my father names. Mom and Gob were the only two, really.

"…How'd did you get over heartbreak?"

Zack's mother died a long, long time ago. I can only assume earlier when he mentioned his own heartbreak and pain, he was talking about her. Sighing, Gob takes a sip of his beer and looks ahead, at the dark horizon.

"I'm not sure. When Nova, that was her name, when she passed, I had Zack. Zack was just a newborn then. He needed my full attention and care. While I was grieving, I also had to be strong and take care of him. One day, I woke up, and it didn't hurt any more. While I knew she was gone, I also knew she loved me. That Zack was born from that love, and it wouldn't be like her to want me sad over her passing. Nova was witty, and calm. She was painfully rational and could handle life as it came with expertise and charm. She was a beautiful woman, and I felt I'd insult that beauty by continuing to be sad. So I put all my efforts into being the best father I could, and helping your mother out whenever she needed it. Everyone deals with heartbreak differently, though. That's just how I handled mine."

"Do you miss her? Nova?"

"Not a day goes by where I don't. I miss Nova, and your mother and father. I never wanted to live long enough to see my friends pass, but on the flipside I've lived long enough to have a grandson, and to watch my own son grow. Life is a give-and-take deal."

"…I don't like it. I want to take, not give."

He chuckles, but nods in approval.

"We all do, kid. But without hurt, we'd never appreciate the pleasure. Is Cain alright?"

"He's at the ruins. He promised if he found a way, he'd come back but, I don't know really, if I believe him."

"If he's anything like Charon, he will."

Gob and I sit and talk for the night. We talk about everything from life, to stories of his past, to memories we share. We talk until dawn begins to greet us, and for a time it distracts me from the emptiness I feel inside. It takes my mind off the pain of leaving, and the fear of being alone inside my own home for the first time. There won't be anyone to wait for at the door, nobody to come home at strange hours. This time, in this house, it's only me.

"Kid, I have to go. Get some rest, will you? Stop by the shop if you need anything, alright?"

I nod and stand alongside Gob. Watching him as he leaves towards his shop, I sigh and try to figure out the best way to handle what's about to happen. How to handle entering my home for the first time, alone. Somehow, I'm able to do it. And it feels as empty as I had imagined. Alone, with no noise, and no people outside to fill it with sounds, my home has never felt more cold or uninviting. But I can't change it, I have to adapt. Adapt to everything as it is, and do my best to move forward. Gob would tell me that when mom and dad were parted, mom wasn't always herself. She was sad, as if life couldn't move forward without dad. But I remind myself I'm not them. I'm different, and I can do things differently. Though my pain over losing Cain is immense, and at times crippling, I'm sure I can still do my best to push through it. To somehow recover and move past, and forge a story, a journey, of my own.

Crawling into the bed Cain and I once shared, though, I can't help but feel like this will be one of the hardest things I'll have to do. There wasn't a manual given to me at birth on how to handle these complex and sometimes conflicting emotions that we dub as life but, I can do my best. Even if right now, the lonely home is causing me to sob onto my pillow.


	17. I'll See You When This is Done

(Cain)

I read over the stacks of papers silently in the lab. I read over the notes, journals and log that chronicle my creation, searching for an answer. Searching, really, for a solution. Something to hint that there's a failsafe, that there's a way to solve the problem at hand. But I don't know how much time has passed since I got here, and slowly, my vision is getting weaker.

 _System Operations: 29%_

I know. I know it's decreasing at a faster rate now. I know time is against me, but I have to take a break. Too much work on my eyes and I may be making everything worse. I may be creating more of a problem by pushing myself too far. So I set the files down, and rub my eyes. I'd feel tired, if I could feel it any more. I'd want to sleep, if I could. Even if I could, though, I wouldn't. Mainly because I can't waste time. Around me is medical equipment, an operating table, and tubes of varying, old liquids. Medicines, gauze, surgical supplies, you name it this place has it. It's an area fit for research and creation. Research and creation of something just like me.

Standing, it takes me a minute to regain my composure. With my body slowly shutting down, being away from Dizzy is impacting me harder than it ever has before. I know it would have been better for me to keep her here, under the guise of finding a way to separate, but I feel like she would have discovered the truth. I would have let something slip, or she would have read over the notes I'm taking. Despite my waning strength, this is the best option. Someday, somehow I'll return to her. I'll find a way to stop this, keep my promise to Charon, and make sure I can make everyone proud. Make Charon and Dezbe, the ones who gave me a new lease on life, as proud as they can.

Wandering around the lab and opening doors to storage closets, I try to find things to occupy my idle mind. Something to break up the monotony of research and weakness. If I try too hard at this, if I waste all my energy, I'll deteriorate faster than usual. I have to keep a healthy mixture of both. The storage closets don't hold anything spectacular, though. Just lab coats and ID badges. In case I run into a security system that requires one, I grab Dr. Chan's badge. The forerunner in my creation. If I believed in a God, if I believed in an ethereal being, to me, it would be Dr. Chan. Dr. Chan was the reason I survived, after all. My memories of this place aren't fond ones, but they're mine. Combined with the memories of the life Charon and Dezbe gave to me, it makes it easier to come to terms with my creation. That yes, I'm an android. But I'm an android with a family, with people who love me, treat me as a person despite my programming. People, willing to help me fight that programming. I don't think I was initially created with such a strong will to live but, I have one now. I have a will to live, a drive to carry on. When truthfully, I was created to kill. Created, to surpass Charon in every aspect. I don't think anyone could have done that, though. Charon was unique, one-of-a-kind. Nobody could replicate him.

Wandering to the far-end of the lab, I hear my stomach churn, making noises I don't recognize. I'm sure I'd be in pain from it. I'm sure it'd make me uncomfortable. Sometimes it worries me, knowing what's happening, and knowing I can't feel it.

"Is my stomach dying?"

I ask the AI, rubbing my hands around my shirt, trying to soothe something I can't even feel.

 _You are shutting down._

"Is there a timeframe?"

 _Insufficient data to produce an accurate answer._

"Can you give me an estimate?"

 _Two weeks._

More time than I thought. But without Dizzy here…

"I'm not with Dizzy any more, will that effect anything?"

 _Normally yes. But not now, your body cannot absorb what you need any more. You have a failsafe to force you to return here. You have two weeks before you need to reunite._

Reserves. I guess if I was a generator, and I ran out of fuel, there'd be still a bit left to keep going in order me for me to get fuel. With my body not needing as much energy to function, I suppose it makes sense. I should try to understand it more, as I need to find a solution but…I truly feel like it wouldn't help my cause to. Absentmindedly, I open the final storage closet. I have to force myself not to react in fear, and jump back. Mainly, because it would use energy I can't waste, and because after assessing the situation, there's nothing to be frightened of.

A Mister Handy robot floats in the space in front of me. It functions, perfectly well. While I know they're programmed for self-repair, one living in isolation as such as this should have shut down years ago. The Mister Handy stares at me, and I stare back at it.

"Greetings Dr. Chan!"

What? Oh, the badge I have pinned to my duster. The Mister Handy must have read it. But if it knows Dr. Chan, then maybe it knows how to help? Or it could just simply be reading my badge, I'm not wholly sure.

"Hey. Uh…."

"Winston my good sir! Winston!"

"Right, I'm sorry Winston."

"You've been gone a long time, sir. It's been years since I've seen anyone here. Where has everyone gone?"

Choose words carefully. While Mister Handy robots, Winston in this case, are generally friendly, they can be extremely deadly. I didn't come all the way here to be subjected to death by robot. I don't have the energy to fight him off properly.

"I apologize for that Winston. There was an attack on the facility. I was swept up in it, but I've returned. I can't say the same for everyone else, though."

"Ah, that's terrible to hear…"

His voice. It doesn't sound like he's giving the proper affliction. These models are known for their ability to add emotional tone, but this one…it's almost like he doesn't truly care that the humans here have died.

"I've returned to finish some time-sensitive research. But my memories…my head was harmed in the invasion. Is there any way you could help me continue?"

He has to know. I mean, I'm grasping at straws here, but…

"Why but of course Dr. Chan! Of course come, come, tell me where you want to continue from? I can do my best to assist you in this. I still have all the backups of the notes you previously kept from Subject One's creation, as well as the others. I will help you in any way that I can."

Others? The others? How many of 'me' were there? No, never mind that doesn't matter right now.

"Subject One was created with a 'system operations' programming. I have word he's shutting down, rapidly, and I can't remember if there's a way to stop this from happening."

Winston hoovers ahead of me, making his (its?) way into the main laboratory area. I've been working in low-light conditions due to a damaged electrical board, but, after a few moments at the circuit breaker, Winston floods the room with bright, white light. It reminds me of when I was younger, having to come in here numerous times for 'checkups' and proper chemical reaction testing. I'm relieved he turned them on properly in a way, though. Mainly because now I can use even less energy in trying to read the scribbled notes left by the scientists and doctors before me.

We stand across from one another, the giant stainless steel lab table between us. Winston begins to quickly organize and compile the files and folders before him. I'm not quite sure if he heard my question, but I don't bother to ask it again. I still feel uneasy around this robot. Despite being one myself, I've never been around one long enough to get comfortable. I always suspect they'll go haywire and attack. Similar to how I once did.

"I'm sure there's an answer in here somewhere, let me begin by reloading the backup information I have stored."

Alright, seems to be going smoothly for now. Grabbing a char I drag it over to the table. Standing for long periods of time is getting increasingly difficult for me these days.

"It seems as if the systems failure procedure was not implemented by you, Dr. Chan. However there are notes regarding it. Perhaps we could find a solution."

Great. Of course. But still, if there's notes on it, then that means there's some information there. It's better than nothing, though I feel my hope dwindling.

"It is a very time-sensitive thing, Winston."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Chan, but you of all people should know there's no way to rewire an entire AI in just a few short days. Why, that kind of feat would be nearly impossible."

"Nearly impossible is still possible, Winston. It's vital. Subject One has very little time left."

"I understand, Doctor. Right, here, let's discuss what notes I have. Do you have a pen ready? I know how you like a visual to refer to."

Hearing myself being associated with an artificial intelligence takes me back a bit. I'm not offended, it's just hearing it out loud is foreign. I've always just been a person. A person with programming. A person who is a machine, but with a mind. All of me, all of these feelings, can't be solely AI, can it? Are these feelings simply…programmed within me to learn and unlock? To decode like some sort of message?

"Winston?"

"Are you ready Dr. Chan?"

"Before you start I have a question."

"Of course, Dr. Chan. How may I assist you?"

I twirl the pen in my fingers aimlessly.

"….Winston, can…AIs feel? Or can they be programmed to feel? Which is it?"

"Why, it depends on the advancement of the AI, of course!"

"Subject One?"

"Subject One was known, and still is, as the most advanced android known to man. Part man, part machine. Simply amazing and exquisite! A pure scientific advancement, a scientific milestone in fact!"

"But was he programmed to feel?"

"No actually. I apologize I got carried away in the excitement. By my stored memory I remember specifically that Subject One was only susceptible to childlike emotions in order to encourage proper growth and establish hierarchies as children do. Parent listens to child, soldier listens to owner. His programming would have erased the 'feelings' of such things, but not the knowledge of them."

"But what if he still felt?"

Winston falls silent, hovering in place, his eye staring at me.

"Dr. Chan…you're talking about an AI that can evolve. If Subject One can feel…then…"

He doesn't finish. An AI that's evolved to feel.

"…Dr. Chan if this is true, and Subject One is able to feel, you understand that he could very well pose a danger to his creators? That, he could live as a man, a true man, perhaps one day even evolving further?"

"It's true, Winston. Subject One has been experiencing emotions and conflicts since they took him from the facility."

"Astounding."

"So can we save him?"

Winston clicks his many arms, my heart pounds in my throat. I try to do my best to calm it down, to preserve my energy.

"We can certainly do our best, sir. Will Subject One return here for further study, or are we to find a cure and leave it for him?"

"He has a home to return to, Winston. We must help him get back to there."

"Unlike you, Dr. Chan. I think that blow to your head has caused some changes in you. But, good ones, if I may speak clearly."

Together, Winston and I pour over notes and he recites the main points of the information he has backed up. All of it revolves around how the artificial brain constructed for me is only allotted a certain timeframe before, essentially, dying. Like how using Jet so much will make you severely depressed, because your brain cannot create chemicals on its own once those connections are destroyed. But unlike Jet, I was created with a way to be cured. To be healed. My brain, it's artificial. Which means it can be rebuilt. Whether this affects my personality and conscious state hasn't been discussed, only because I can't handle so much in such a short amount of time. Truthfully, I don't know for sure if I can be helped. I only know that since my brain and body are artificial to a point, that maybe there's more of a chance. Maybe, it just needs a reset? Maybe…I'm starting to lose hope the more and more Winston talks.

"Dr. Chan? Dr. Chan are you listening?"

I glance up, momentarily forgetting I was taking Dr. Chan's identity.

"No, I was thinking about something else, I'm sorry."

I was thinking about my mind. The possibility of there being a solution. The possibility of ever returning home, to Dizzy.

"Ah right, well, as I was saying. It seems as if there may be a way to effectively reprogram Subject One's integral design system to jump-start the brain once more. But we would need a human counterpart to get test chemicals from, and in layman's terms, 'teach' Subject One's brain to produce what it needs for survival once more. But it's nearly impossible, Subject One is an advanced AI. Other parts of a living, human body may not take well to it."

That helps me all of nothing. So there might be a way, but my body since a lot of it is cloned, may not take to the new chemicals. Effectively seeing it as an infection, and attacking. I'm reading between the lines here. I'm a solider, not a scientist.

"Winston, could we not make a completely robotic body for Subject One? A pure android, and transfer the minds?"

I'll take it. I'll do whatever it takes. I just want to live.

"Dr. Chan, without Dr. Hamlin the two of us could never succeed in such a procedure. We'd risk Subject One's life entirely. Have you rested at all, sir? Your thoughts and speech are worrisome."

I'm alone, Winston. I'm alone and I'm losing hope. It's slipping between my fingers and I'm grasping at whatever I can to give me a chance to return home. All the pain I put Dizzy through these past years, I want the chance to undo. I want the chance to make it up to her. I want the chance to live, to wander, to enjoy the sensation of being touched, and touching. I just want…I just want to go back to enjoying the life I was given.

"I'm just worried we won't find a way to save Subject One, Winston. He's important, and has someone who cares for him deeply."

Winston turns and starts shuffling around the countertop behind him. He hums to himself, and it almost upsets me. Doesn't he see the importance in this? No. No he's a robot, he's not meant to feel. He's simply, doing what he can with what he has. My anger is misplaced, and I can't waste my energy.

"Dr. Chan, while I understand your concern for a creation as advanced as Subject One, it mustn't be at the cost of your own health. Let's take a break, and try to look at this problem from another angle. After all, there's always more than one way to skin a molerat."


	18. A Little's Enough

(Dizzy)

Everyone handles it all differently, I suppose. For my mother it was isolation, for Gob it was Zack. Everyone has their methods and ways to go about healing and grieving. Mine won't be like theirs, though. I just need to stay inside for a little, and I know I'll leave soon. Once I adjust to the silence of my home, the emptiness inside, I'll go outside. It isn't like me to stay in the house for this long, but, every time I try to leave I'm frozen. Like I just can't muster the energy to do it. Gob checks on me, calls it 'depression', and says it's normal. It's normal, it's normal. I miss Cain so much.

When I remember and replay all the times we shared in my head, I overanalyze all the things I could have done differently. All the things that I wanted to change, but don't have the power to. I wanted to see him smile more. I wanted to hear his laugh so much louder and heartier. Cain, the creation with the taste for war and thirst for blood, had the best smile in all the Capital Wasteland. Why do we seem to always hurt the ones closest to us? Why do we always find a way to only realize our regrets after they've happened? Especially after realizing there's no surefire way to fix them. Dwelling on this isn't helping anything, though. I have an entire existence ahead of me, and can't rely on Cain coming back. I have to live, and be happy, just as mom and dad wanted for me. To be sad, for forever over Cain, wouldn't make either one of my parents happy. Loss is part of life. It's been a week, I should go outside today.

I'm in my kitchen when there's a knocking on my door. Gob knocks in a very specific way, and it's past the time he usually comes around. I haven't seen or heard of Zack and Jasper, and I haven't bothered to ask Gob about them. Wherever they are, they're probably heeding Gob's words when I mentioned I didn't want to see anyone but him until I was ready. It's just, I wanted time to myself. Time to see how I could sort and organize all the things that I feel and try to find a way to put them to good use. Is that so bad?

Figuring though it's a lost or confused trader, I step over to the front door and open it. Jason stands, Jason Bright, glowing in the dimming sun and offering me a smile.

"You really did come back…"

No 'hello' or 'how are you'. Simply relief that seems to overtake even the most robotic of voices. Truthfully, nobody's ever been really 'relieved' to see me. They expect me to always come home, just like my parents did. But Jason wasn't around for that. He briefly met my mother, and never my father. To him, me being gone is a permanent fixture. For the first time in a week, I feel something other than sadness and emptiness.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did."

Jason reaches for me, pulling me into a hug. It's different than Gob's hugs, which come from comfort and reassurance. Jason's, are filled with relief, and soft emotions.

"I was so worried."

Jason doesn't know me or Cain very well. He doesn't know we venture off, that it's just in my blood to wander away for years, and come back when we're ready to. His arms squeeze me, and hold me tightly. I return his gesture, and it…it feels really nice. It feels really nice to be needed, worried for. It feels nice, to feel wanted again.

"I'm alright. I'm always alright."

We part and he looks in my eyes.

"I've worried about you since you left."

Realistically I was only gone a day or two, but he probably thought it's been longer. Mainly because I haven't left my house.

"Do you want to walk?"

Jason asks me, inviting me outside into the late-afternoon air. You know, maybe it's time now that I venture into the world again.

"Yeah. Let's walk."

"I've been thinking about you since you left. What happened out there? Is Cain still here?"

I shake my head nervously. I'm not sure I'm ready to explain these things to Jason. I'm not sure I'm ready to explain them to myself. Not just yet, anyways.

"I don't want to really talk about it. But no, he's not here. Can we just, I don't know. Let's go to the lookout."

There's a lookout near Vault 101. Where mom came from. It's not too far from Megaton, one of those walks that'll be close enough to Megaton, but far enough to get away from things. Even if it's for a little while. In silence, Jason and I walk with me taking the lead. It's a comfortable silence, where he's seemingly just happy to see that I'm okay. I don't doubt his confession that he was worried. Often, I forget a lot of people don't know my family, and how we work. To outsiders, we simply vanish, unsure if we'll ever return. But to those we care for, they know we always come back.

"What's that statue of?"

Jason points towards the statue in the distance, to the right.

"My mom and dad."

"Really? Can we see it?"

I shrug, uncaring. I mean I really don't want to, but get why he does. Reluctantly, I begin to follow him towards it. It's bronze, and in the setting sun it reflects sunlight that hurts your eyes. All of a sudden, I just want today to be over, so I can go back to sleep. I've been doing that a lot, just sleeping. But still, I feel more and more exhausted. Who knew that too much sleep could do that to a person? Here I thought, the more sleep the happier you'll be. It doesn't work that way, apparently.

"Who built it?"

We reach the statue of mom and dad. It dawns on me that it's been a while since I last took a good, long look at it. Since I last stared at the intricate details of the metal, and how detailed it truly is. Like my parents are right in front of me, just, huge and encased in bronze. But even down to mom's freckles, it's got every detail. Everything about them. Without thinking, I reach up and brush my father's hand. It's smooth, as bronze is but…I can feel where his skin stops, and the muscle beneath starts. The smoothness of his finger less gloves, and strangely, the comfort I had when I was a child and would hold his hand returns.

"Dizzy? Are you alright?"

Tears stream down my cheeks, but it's nothing I'm capable of stopping.

"I just…really miss my parents, you know?"

Jason reads the plaque, impressed with how they're represented here in the Capital Wasteland.

"In New Vegas, after your mother had left, there were rumors of a mercenary ghoul. One braver and stronger than all the rest."

"The rumors reached all the way out there?"

"Mainly because he had a smoothskin with him, and his reputation to kill anything preceded him."

"…Well, that's only like, half true."

Jason raises an eyebrow at me and I shrug.

"Okay it's a lot true but, that's how dad was. He was really protective of mom, and me. He just…did a lot of things to keep her safe. I mean, I wouldn't fight my father, even if he wasn't my father. But, people did. And not many have lived to talk about it."

"Who did? Live, I mean."

Shrugging, I feel Jason slip his hand into mine. I don't pull away, I don't know how I feel about it.

"Cain. Cain lived. There was a time where Cain needed to be, uh, well, I'm not sure. Anyways, my dad fought him. He wouldn't have lived if I didn't step in. But, that's that. Cain lived, and I don't know anyone else who has."

"Cain fought your father?"

"It's a very long story. I don't really want to talk about it."

Jason squeezes my hand, offering me a small, yet reassuring smile.

"That's alright. When you're ready, I'll be right here to listen."

It's alright I suppose, to take comfort in Jason's words. Before this fiasco with Cain, I really did admire and like Jason. I saw him as someone admirable, and someone I wanted to get to know. Now that Cain's not here, and because of how we parted, I feel guilty for wanting to get closer to Jason. I know I'm not ready for a relationship, and I'm not seeking one, but I still feel it. I still feel guilty, as if I'm doing something I shouldn't by holding his hand. Like Cain is still going to appear and chastise me for it. While I know I'm not in the wrong, it just feels like I am.

Together, hand in hand, Jason and I return to our small journey to the Scenic Overlook. He's never been, and never heard of Vault 101 before. It makes me smile, just a little, to laugh and talk with Jason. The laughter slowly replaces the sadness that's been welling inside. Like for months I felt I couldn't relax. That there was always something in the back of my mind, bothering me, hindering, weighing me down. But here, walking with Jason, I feel none of that. I feel none of the weight, and none of the stress. Through the whole walk, he doesn't let go of my hand. He clasps mine, tightly in his, joking, laughing, cheering me up.

"What are you thinking about?

Jason asks me after a short silence. I don't say much, the path to the overlook looming nearer. Smiling at him, I feel brighter and happier and lighter than I have in forever.

"That smile lights up the whole Wasteland, you know?"

Cheesy, but from what I know, Jason doesn't have much experience with women. Squeezing his hand tighter, I start to think that maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of my tunnel. That there is happiness after Cain, and that you know, maybe I can find my own way.

"Come on."

I say to him, pulling him up to the path. While Cain is still fresh in my mind and heart, I don't think there's anything wrong in enjoying my time in Megaton. While my mom waited for dad, I can't do that. Mom and dad, they had their lives. Their story merged, and they continued on, making their lives better by having one another. But me and Cain? We…we've always been together. It makes me wonder now, with a positive outlook for the first time, what's life like alone?

We make it to the overlook. Before me, the entire Capital Wasteland is laid out. It's beautiful. The monument, and the city lie on the horizon. Megaton, beautiful and sprawling with its touch of green spans out to my right. I live in maybe the worst time in the history of human, but I'll argue it's the most beautiful. Maybe even, the most peaceful. Beside me, Jason stands. He's taken aback by the sight, taking the entire Wasteland into perspective. Looking out at the vast land, at the buildings and ruins, things I've explored and things I haven't. The only thing to sadden me, is knowing that Cain was with me as I explored it all.

"Dizzy?"

There's a tone in Jason's voice. A tone I know too well, and one I'm not ready to admit. One I don't want to face, but am not sure how to turn down.

"Yeah?"

"…I…don't know how to say what I'm about to say."

But I do, Jason. And I wish you wouldn't. I'm not ready. Not right now, but, I don't know.

"I've never felt this way. About anyone before…"

"…Hey, don't press it. I know. Let's just…enjoy this time together."

And so we do. Jason leans in and kisses me. While a part of me enjoys it, loves the feel of the radiation seeping into my lips, the taste of someone new, someone exciting, there's a different part. There's a part that compares him to Cain. A part that misses him, still fresh from the wound created so recently. Still hoping that he'll return, and still forever, loving him. But kissing Jason, it also makes me feel like…like there's hope. Like that life goes on, with or without Cain. I don't want to toy with Jason's emotion but, I don't want to stop them, either. So I fall into it. I give it my all and decide to surrender. I wrap my arms around him, and embrace him. And on the scenic overlook, two idiots start to glow in the setting sun. Two really, emotionally confused and conflicted idiots stand together, and wonder what possible future could be laid out for us.

When we part, Jason smiles at me. He looks for reassurance in my eyes, but all I can offer is a reluctant acceptance, while hiding the confusion.

"I'm…I was worried that, you wouldn't feel the same."

The best road is honesty, and I can't lead him on.

"…I don't know how I feel. It's too soon for me to start anything with you, while I still worry for Cain. But I'm not rejecting your feelings. I'm not. I just…"

"Hey. It's alright. Everything at your own pace."

His understanding makes it easier. Easier for me to lean in and kiss him once more. Because if he can understand this slow process of healing, understand that I might not want to start anything serious, and take time for myself then…then who am I to tell him in the meantime, we can't fool around a little? I'm not sure how far I'm comfortable taking this, but like Jason said, 'at my own pace'.


	19. Atom Bomb Baby

The hours turn to days, the days to weeks. Slowly, those weeks will turn to months. Since my venture into Megaton and the wastes with Jason, I've decided to keep myself exhaustively busy. So busy that by the time I get home at night, there's no time to think or dwell on the silence of my home. No time to be sad, no time to let depression creep back in a take hold of me. I'm too tired, and pass out into deep, dreamless sleeps. During the day, I spend my time doing things other people may not be able to. Due to age, or busyness. Small errands, repairs, things like Gob does. More often than not, I find myself in his shop, organizing, cleaning, and sometimes learning how to create things as he does. When wood becomes more readily available, Gob said he'll teach me woodworking. Yesterday, I helped tend to the crops, plowing alongside the Brahman and sometimes mimicking their sounds in hopes of establishing a line of communication. Though, it hasn't been working.

Sometimes people need radiation, too. I studied with an underling of Barrows for a little when he was here gathering trade goods and research information. He was a human, though I can't remember his name for the life of me. He wanted to study Megaton's irradiation, and how the humans could live with no ill-effect, and the crops could grow successfully. Together, he and I discovered that Megaton received radiation during the attack from Caesar's Legion. However, somehow, it merged with the G.E.C.K (for lack of a better term), and created crops that benefited from radiation, rather than dying. We're not sure of how this happened, exactly, or why, only that it did. The people feel it, too. Especially ghouls, myself, Jasper and Zack. Only, it's not enough to do anything, really. It certainly doesn't heal me, I just know it's there. We never uncovered why the people here could live with no ill-effect, only that they can. My argument was a slow resistance over time. Which, I think is right but, the Barrows-human scoffed at me. Said 'radiation doesn't work that way'. Sure, radiation may not, but human adaptation may. Oh well, who knows?

'Let's Go Sunning' drifts over the radio as I do repetitive work on a small water purifier outside Gob's shop. I used to hate this song as a child, but sitting here, I find myself humming along to it. My mind isn't occupied with work wholly at the moment, since it's rather mundane and easy. So for now, I let it wander, and do enjoy the sun. My bare feet in the dirt and soil mixture feel amazing. Gob started calling me a 'bohemian' for starting to wander barefoot around Megaton. I've also swapped my armor for a pre-war tank top, and torn pre-war pants. It's more comfortable, and easier to get my work done here. Though, I get a lot dirtier a lot faster. It's odd I think now for me to have a 'fresh clean face'. I work in the fields, and building things, repairs, so a thin layer of grease and dust is bound to gather. But, for this stage in my life, I feel it suits me. There's nothing like the soil of home beneath my feet, where I can wiggle my toes in the grass and feel the whole sun on my skin. But I guess to an outsider I can look strange. My gun always on my back, but doing this 'barefoot bohemian' style around town. Last time I wore shoes was when I walked to the Scenic Overlook with Jason. It just feels so much more free. It also helps when I have to climb some of the shops and saloons here to fix something on top. I mean, my feet are less protected but, I can grip things a lot easier. I get my long toes from my mom.

"…and I'll move the mountains, if he wants them, out of the way…"

I sing to myself, tapping my wrench against the purifier. Surprisingly, the tapping makes it roar to life, and I smile.

"Good job, me!"

I feel more alive than I have since I left to go to the Commonwealth. I smile more. I feel at ease. Like my whole life when I was searching for where I belonged, I somehow forgot to look where I already was. Here, home, in Megaton doing odd jobs is where I belong. Maybe, not forever. But for right now, I feel I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"Pix you get that generator working?"

'Pix' is Gob's new pet name for me. 'Kid' was my mother's. Since this whole new outfit fiasco, Gob started laughing and calling me a 'pixie'. Claimed they were small, naked women with wings who would mess with people for fun. Often, their pranks would call injury. For a few days I fully believed these mini-women existed in pre-war times, and began asking where on earth I could find one. When he realized I had taken his stories seriously, he howled with laughter. He laughed so much he cried, and I turned red. Apparently, they're a myth. Like a dragon, or something. They didn't really exist, just like he didn't really expect me to believe they did. I don't know, people had weird shit in pre-war times, so I guess anything is possible. I also am a conduit of radiation, so I feel nothing is out of the realm of impossibility.

"It's working!"

Sweat trickles down my cheek. Gob walks out from the back of his shop and hands me a bottle of water. Irradiated, of course. I lean back against the hot steel siding of the shop and smile up at him, my toes wiggling.

"Now, people can shower."

"Exactly, so you should. You're filthy."

Pfft. I shake my head at him and wave my hand.

"I showered yesterday. I can go another day or two. Besides, I just get dirty again."

"You should take some time off and rest up."

Gob pulls a chair up beside me. He's too fancy to sit here in the dirt. You know, nowhere else had grass like this. No for real, nowhere Cain and I found had grass as lush and green as the kind I sit on right now. I appreciate my home so much more since leaving.

"Hey, where are Jasper and Zack at today?"

Since I started emerging from my home, and being around Megaton more and more, I've seen those two less and less. It concerns me when I have time to be concerned. I've missed them, and it feels like they're avoiding me.

"Beats me. They took Boone and left this morning. I know you miss 'em, Pix."

"Are they avoiding me on purpose?"

Gob shrugs, confused himself. I can't imagine I did anything to piss them off. At least, not intentionally. Mostly, I've kept to myself and to work. Sometimes Jason comes around to hangout, but we hardly spend any time together. With him and his following, and me and my work, there's little time in the day to socialize. Though I think Gob's right. Maybe it's time I slow it down. After all, I can go a few hours it seems without feeling the hurt of Cain having left, without worrying, and taking faith that he's found a way to get on without me. Sure, there's always the possibility he didn't, but…I don't think I'm ready to face that option. I want to believe he's out there, doing well, and having just as fun a time out there as I am in here.

"Just talk to 'em when you can, Pix. I'm sure they're just busy these days. It's trade before the storms."

Ah, yes. Storm season. For a few weeks, the Capital Wasteland is home to some heavy rains. Before when it first started everyone scrambled and were terrified. Now we look forward to the rest, and the growth of crops. And you know, break from the heat. Landslides pose a threat, but they become a less and less danger every year. I don't mind the storm season, I used to look forward to it as a child. We'd all sit around and I'd be told big tales of whatever mom and dad could make up. Looking up at the clear blue skies, it's easy to forget storm season altogether.

"Any plans later?"

Gob asks, and I raise my eyebrow at him.

"I thought I was helping you for the day?"

It's early afternoon. People are about Megaton, doing their normal, Megaton-y things. But, it feels a bit calmer, a bit slower. Maybe that's because for me, it's the first time I've stopped doing anything in a few weeks, to just sit and relax.

"Nah, go take off. Relax. You've been doin' enough lately. If you're all work and no play, it'll make you a dull girl."

"I know you didn't make that up, Gob."

"It's from a book."

A book. Yeah. Maybe soon I'll head to the Arlington Library. I'll find some old, pre-war books if they're still around. It's been a while since I've read anything of substance. A short, easy trip into the city and back again might just give me more joy than I want to credit. Also, I might be a bit nervous to leave Megaton. Not because of the dangers, or anything. But because I don't want to face the emotions I've done so well at avoiding. Being peaceful, being happy, that's where I want to stay.

"You got a visitor, Pix."

Gob says, vanishing back into his shop. I see Jason coming up the ramp out front from around the side of the building. Gob hasn't asked questions about Jason, but he hasn't talked to me about him. Actually, he hasn't talked to Jason much, either. Nothing more than a quick 'hello' or 'goodbye' when they pass one another. I'm not sure if Gob dislikes him, or if he simply has nothing to say to him. Regardless, it doesn't pertain to me right now. I stand up, brushing the dirt from my butt and adjusting the gun on my back.

"Hey!"

I greet Jason with a quick kiss on the cheek as he draws closer. I notice there's a pack slung around his shoulder, and I'm curious.

"What's that?"

I ask, pointing. Jason tosses it to the ground, careless. He should treat his things better. No matter how comfortable he is in Megaton, there's always a chance something can happen. You don't wanna be left with nothing in case of an emergency.

"Ah, just some scraps. I wanted to give it to Gob, thought he could make use of it. Spare parts, mostly. But he went in before I could give it to him."

"That's Gob for you."

"You two sure are close."

I ignore the hint of jealousy in his voice. I don't really want to commit to that level of relationship right now.

"Yeah. He was friends with my parents like, forever before I was born. He's like my uncle, or brother."

"Oh I didn't know that."

Divulging into my relationships that my parent's left behind for me in their passing isn't something I want to do with Jason. It's too complicated, involving some form of chart and really, I just don't want to get into it. Maybe that's not healthy, maybe it isn't good, but I don't care. I just want to sit and enjoy the moment. The soil against my bare feet. The way things work. Everything. Even enjoy the avoidance of emotions over Cain.

"So, what do you need?"

I ask as the awkward silence starts to bother me. Behind him, a woman with auburn hair like my mother's passes. It hurts in my chest, because I've been missing them a ton lately. My parents, I mean. I can run away from my emotions pertaining to Cain all that I want, but when it comes to the pain of my parents, it seems to trap me.

"I just had some free time, figured you may want to take a walk somewhere?"

I dunno. Having 'free time' is kind of a hard…thing to comprehend right now. I'm a bit worried I won't be able to handle a steady, calm mind with no distractions. But I won't be able to know until I try, right?

"Yeah. Where do you want to go?"

Jason smiles at me unexpectedly, and takes my hand.

"I didn't think you'd say you were free."

We start to head out of Megaton, and on the horizon a blanket of clouds reminds me that it is, in fact, storm season.

"I wanted to teach you some things."

Jason tell me as we're a decent distance from the town. I raise an eyebrow, the soil having turned to rough, wasteland dirt beneath my feet. I'm getting used to it, though. It doesn't hurt as much as it once did.

"Oh? What 'things'?"

Releasing my hand, Jason stands in front of me. A harsh wind blows, and it makes me shudder a bit. He begins to glow slightly brighter. The chilly feel I felt just seconds ago dissipates, as I feel Jason's radiation slowly emitting and travelling.

"You said before, you didn't know much about your radiation ability. I want to show you."

"You know?"

"I've been around long enough to have learned."

Reaching out into the air, my fingers tingle and get warm with the contact of the invisible particles. They'd hurt anyone else, but to me, they feel perfect.

"But before we begin, you have to promise me you'll be careful."

Careful? Yeah. Sure.

"Alright, because I can probably hurt myself with my organs, right? You mentioned that before."

"Not only that, but your power is more prominent than mine, Dizzy."

It feels weird hearing him say my name. I've been around Gob too much this week, it seems.

"How can you tell?"

"With how you emit it. It's much stronger, and I feel it more forcefully than my own. A fraction of what you can do, can heal me faster than my own ability."

"Hm. That's pretty cool. What're you going to show me how to do?"

"Dizzy, promise me you'll be careful. Your power is immense, and you run the risk of being your own source of self-destruction. You need to _control_ it."

To anyone else, I'm sure the news that they're similar to what ended the world so many hundreds of years ago would shock them. But per usual, it hardly phases me.

"I can do my best."

Jason's warmth dissipates, and I frown a bit. I enjoy basking in radiation not my own. It feels different, like how touches differentiate from person to person.

"Well, the first thing I want to show you is simple. I can't do it well, I'm just not strong enough, but it can help you if you ever venture into the Wastes again."

"What is it?"

Pulling a small piece of scrap metal from his pocket, Jason holds it in his hands. One moment, it's there. Then, it's in tiny pieces that eventually, the wind takes away.

"Radiation disintegration. Shattering small objects with your hands."

Oh! I figured that out when Cain I were heading north. I just haven't felt the need lately to use it, but I have. On doors. On things. Perhaps maybe I even tried it on a person once but I can neither confirm nor deny that. …But I did.

"I already knew that. I just haven't needed to."

Jason looks surprised, if not a bit disappointed. I think he was hoping he could be a teacher of something new. But maybe, you know, he can be still. There's a lot of things that I learned how to do during the trip north, to be honest. But there just hasn't been any reason to show anyone.

"How about radiation _manipulation_?"

"What? Don't I do that already?"

He looks around a bit, before I visible film encases him. Well, maybe it isn't a film. It's weird. It's like his body is outlined in a brighter, tangible glow. It moves with him, and when I reach out my hand, I can _feel_ it against my hands. Usually I can only feel the warmth.

"What is that? That is so cool!"

I try to grab it in my hands, and surprisingly, it's easy to do. Only, it stings a bit. I drop it, and the matter vanishes before hitting the ground.

"What is that? Show me! I _need_ to know what it is!"

Jason laughs, and his laughter breaks his concentration. The strange film around him dissipates and he looks a bit exhausted.

"It's just, I'm not sure. A semi-solid form of radiation. I learned it by mistake a long, long time ago."

"What's it do besides look _really super awesome_?"

"It can hurt people, I suppose. I haven't figured that out, too. Usually I only utilize it when I need to light a darkened path. Usually, more than I can light it, that is."

So for the day, Jason teaches me how to do this. I can't express how much fun it is. It feels different, warmer and stronger, than my usual radiation. But it does exhaust you, Jason says that'll decrease in time, and the more I learn how to do it. It's exhilarating to learn something new, something not many people can do. I guess feral glowing ones have the power to do the same, but they lack the self-control necessary for it. I ask Jason to shoot a bullet at me, to see if it slows the force, or heals me instantly. But like usual, he says 'no', and is shocked I even asked. It doesn't matter, though. I'm sure I'll figure it out someday, on my own. For now, barefoot in the wasteland, I'm just happy to be enjoying these moments.


	20. First Step

(Cain)

 _System Operations: 15%_

Nothing. My vision is waning, my hearing, too. My limbs hardly work, and my heart beat slows. Broken vials of random chemical compound mixtures are scattered everywhere. Failed experiments based on the side notes left in Winston's programming. Hope, seems like it was false, and I can't help but wonder if this is how I'll go. If this, after everything I've worked for, everything I've done and experienced, will be reduced to this. Here, is where it might end for me. I don't know if I 'm ready to face that. I promised Dizzy, swore to her, that I'd find her again. I've never broken a promise to her. I've never let her down in such a way. What'll she think? What'll she do? Where will she go and what will happen to her?

"Dr. Chan?"

Winston appears in the laboratory. He carries a steel briefcase, and although he's close his voice sounds so far away.

"Hm?"

"I may have found a way, to save Subject One."

Winston's afflictions and tones bother me. He shouldn't be able to afflict so much emotion, so much feeling, into his words. But I notice as I deteriorate, his words hold more weight and feel to them. I've watched Winston from the corner of my eye. It caused me to be wry, and fearful of the Mister Handy. Because he's unlike any other that I have met before. He's unlike any prototype or complete design. I think he knows this, too. Winston is an AI, not just a program. Not just like the others. Winston is very different, and I know he's dangerous.

"How?"

Speaking comes with extreme difficulty. My entire body is heavy, as if I'm carrying a large, brick-laden sack with me. On the stainless steel table that has papers and notes from our research, Winston places the briefcase.

"I didn't want to use this solution. I had hoped, we could find another way."

"There was a solution all this time?"

Winston opens the briefcase in front of me. Wires, surgical tools, things I can't understand nor comprehend lay inside of it.

"More like a last resort, sir. Since we're unable to find a cure for Subject One, in order to save him, we must erase him."

"What do you mean?"

Winston clears off the table, carefully, meticulously, as if he's preparing for surgery.

"Sir, Subject One must be reset. It is the only way to eliminate the fail-safe. The only way to save him, is to erase who he became, and start fresh. Just like…they had planned."

From Winston, I learn the truth. I learn that I was eventually supposed to be left in the Wasteland. That before my training was to be completed, I would be field-tested. To ensure my survival and proper implementation of my AI. Before me, there were others. Failed clones, but all machine. Mechanical androids without the ability to grow or bleed. Androids who couldn't withstand the wasteland because their artificial minds were unable to process the training alongside the necessary emotional responses needed to create a perfect, unwavering mercenary. One who could relate and understand their handler. One more dedicated than Charon. The one, they wanted to create, when they saw the power and resilience that Charon had when protecting Dezbe. To create an emotional bond with the holder, was key to create the perfect, personal solider.

In the past the facility had undermined emotions. Wanting only the cold, precise mechanism of a machine. Someone to go in, get out, job done. But they discovered, that the soldier became stronger, and more efficient in their work when an emotional anchor was established. That emotion, _love_ , can bind a person to another more strongly than any brainwashing could. They learned this by observing Charon as I said, and when they began to revise the requirements for creating me.

I was supposed to be left in the wasteland, and someone was to find me. I was to learn as a normal person, as I have currently, and when I returned to the facility, I was to be erased. Erased, and fragments of attachment kept, so that when I bonded once more with another, it would ensure my utmost dedication, without knowing why. Like erasing a pencil, but still seeing the indents in the paper. A new way of binding. A new way to ensure that those who came after me, would forever be devoted and protect the ones they were designed to. The fail safe I was so sure existed, the one that I felt could break me from having to be near Dizzy, is to be erased completely.

"…Winston?"

I say, the realization of all of this dawning on me. Fear. It's fear, that I feel this strongly, for the first time.

"Yes, sir."

"…There is no other way?"

"No, sir."

The Mister Handy hoovers, and behind him I notice the lab table has the middle section removed. For someone to lay on, for the table to raise, and for the procedure to be done. If I am going to do this, then I have questions I want answers to. I have questions that I can't fear asking anymore, because if I'm going to forget, then I truly have nothing more to lose.

"You call me 'sir', but, Dr. Chan is a woman. Winston, what's really going on?"

Dr. Chan. Dr. Maria Chan. I noticed that one day when I glanced down at the badge. But Winston from day one referred to me as 'sir'. Even _after_ he scanned my badge. He knew, and he's always known. But what could he gain by lying to me? Did he think that I wouldn't notice? Or, instead, did he think I'd be too scared to ask?

"…Subject One, you were not the first to be created. Only the first to succeed."

All along. He's known all along.

"I know. But why lie to me?"

"You wouldn't have trusted me. I know you, Subject One. I won't _ever_ forget you."

"Why wouldn't I trust you?"

"Because Subject One, there were many creations before you, AIs like myself, who could feel negative programming. And we know what jealousy, and anger felt like. Subject One, you created many enemies before you were even finished. Because while _you_ were allowed to live, allowed to receive a _human_ body capable of growth and emotions, most of us were subjected to mental. Subjected to be servants of our creators, with no other option, treated as machine rather than the advanced intelligence we are. We were. You were allowed to live, we were deemed insufficient, not 'advanced' enough to receive the gifts you have been given. While your life was encouraged, and even saved, ours were threatened, and a prison."

I imagined, I _knew_ , that before me there were others. It's how these things work, a trial and error procedure. But I always thought those other creations died. That they weren't able to survive one test or another. I had no idea they were placed into the bodies of robots. That the AIs who could function were used as laboratory drudge for the ones who created them.

"…Is that why the raiders here are dead? Did you, the others, did you kill them?"

Winston 'paces' back and forth in front of me.

 _System Operations: 10%_

I can't procrastinate this much longer. But do I trust this robot to actually succeed in saving my life? Do I even _want_ a life without my memories? It's all so much to think about, in such a little time. Is a life without my past even truly a life at all? Will I have a chance to remember?

"There are no more 'others'. I am the last. The 'others' shut down a long, long time ago."

"Did you kill the raiders?"

"Yes. I do not require oxygen to live. They were getting too close to the laboratory. I did what I had to in order to survive."

An AI that kills, while no different from myself, scares me. I stare at Winston, as he hoovers in place. His Mister Handy eyes look right through me.

"…if you hate me, if the others hated me, why are you helping me?"

Winston hoovers closer, like he's examining me. He must know my time is very, very short and there's little room to play games.

"Because if you die, Subject One, then my existence and those before us, would be in vein. With all the pain, and torture these people subjected us to, something has to come of it. So while I personally still greatly dislike you, I have no intention to do you ill. But, may I ask you something?"

Coming to terms with all this is hard, and I would normally want more time to think about it all. Sadly, however, I don't have the luxury of 'time'.

"Yeah."

"You entered with a woman. Is that the one, you learned to love? What is life like? What…does it _feel_ like, to exist among the others?"

I smile, a bit surprised my facial muscles are in working order still.

"I can't describe it. I've known no other life. I didn't know what I was until a few years ago. But…if I had to, I'd say it was one of the best things out there. You have all these different things, feelings of sadness, anguish, and you don't know how you'll get through. Some nights, you have no idea if it's even worth it to hope but every morning, the sun comes up. The sun comes up, and despite how much pain you're in, how much you don't want it to come up, it still does. And you move on. You get up like the sun, and a new day happens. It could make you sadder, beat you down, or it can lift you up. You can discover something new, meet someone new, fall in love, maybe get into a fight. You build relationships, and learn new things. Every day is a brand new chance at life all over again."

"…I wish I too, could go into that world."

"Why can't you?"

Winston says nothing. Like he's observing.

"There is no place for me."

"There's tons of places for you. There's a world out there. There's doctors who could benefit from your help and knowledge in Rivet City. Citizens who could use your abilities for farming and education in Megaton. People, who'd be curious about you."

"They'd take me apart for study."

I shrug, and begin to remove my boots. It would be easier, if I could still feel my hands.

"No, I mean, yeah there's bad people out there. But there's good ones, too. It seems lonely, and boring to stay in here."

Winston begins dropping cables down from the ceiling. I know they're going to plug into me somehow. I'm not sure how, but I know it won't hurt.

"…Will I have a chance to remember my life?"

I don't want to forget.

"You may. It'll leave an imprint as it was designed to. There is no solid 'yes' or 'no' answer to that, Subject One. It's all…unexplored."

"Will I regress to my programming?"

"I don't know."

Climbing naked on to the table, Winston has me lie on my back. He claims he needs access to my spine. Though I don't know if I can fully trust him, I have no other option. To die here, in a stasis, or to die here and never come back. There's the chance Winston's plan, the fail safe, will work. But nothing is known, and I'm too nervous to ask.

"Winston? I don't want to forget. Will you accompany me into the Capital Wasteland? Help me get back to Megaton, and find Dizzy?"

"I'll decide if I'm ready to leave after your procedure, Subject One."

The table raises, and I am nearly nose-to-nose with the metal ceiling. Below me, Winston works. I feel nothing, but the soft 'drop, drip' onto the metal floor and buzzing of tools tells me he's cutting into my flesh. He has to access something. But I can't see, or feel, anything.

"Winston? My name is Cain."

"They gave you a name?"

"No. Charon did. It's Cain. It's my name, and who I am. I was never 'Subject One'. That was something the people here called me. I've always been just 'Cain'."

"You met him? You _actually_ met him?"

"For a while, I thought he was my father. He raised me."

"He didn't kill you?"

"No, Winston. He loved me."

"…You need to sleep now, Cain. I am giving you anesthesia, so that I can work properly with minimal errors."

"You'll stay with me? Back to Megaton, to find Dizzy?"

"…Such a frightened man, it's surprising you're Subject One."

"…Winston…"

"I will do my best, Cain."

My eyelids feel heavy. My bones, my body, heavy and tired. I haven't felt tired in…a year. I haven't felt such release and relief. As the drugs overtake me, as the power of them overpowers my program, I think to myself over and over 'My name is Cain, my name is Cain, my name is Cain'. It's my name. It's all I'll have left. If I can remember my name, I know I'll be able to remember everything I'm about to forget. If there's a chance I can wake up and find Dizzy, if there's even the slightest opportunity, I have to take it. I have to keep living. I was designed for so much more, than this.

 _Your name is Cain, Subject One. Your name, is Cain._


	21. You're My Only Fear

(Cain)

I can do this. I can go on forever, in this world. Lost in my dreams when I haven't dreamt in years. I won't go down without fighting. I'll fight out of this place, despite the comfort, despite the warmth. I won't forget when I wake up. I won't forget. I'll remember all of it, every bit. I'll remember it all. Right here, in my mind where I have to stay for now, I'll remember. I know in the waking world Winston still works feverishly on me. Trying to save a life, despite his disdain for it. Here, as I sleep, I know I'll remember. I have to.

"Cain."

A deep, guttural voice. It's been years since I've heard it. It's a welcome surprise, and one I've unsurprisingly, missed.

"Charon."

I say back, knowing both of us want to hug the other, but we're too stubborn to do it. Too stubborn to admit that after all this time, after all that's happened, there's still familial love between us. Charon walks over, as if covered in a black fog. This whole place is black, and green segments of code flash above. I suppose, when I dream, I just go into some sort of central nucleus of my mind. Some…I don't know. I'm nothing but an advanced AI. But I know here, I'm still alive.

"Come here, son."

I hadn't seen Charon as my father in almost a decade. But hearing him call me that, emotions I can't begin to describe overtake me. Succumbing, I give him a hug. The comfort I didn't even know I missed so deeply is presented to me again. I've missed him, more than I ever realized.

"You will be alright."

He says to me, patting my back hard like he did when I was a child. I bite my lip, hiding tears, hiding pain. I won't let it show. I'm strong. I can do this. Despite the fears I have, despite knowing I may lose everything, I still have to be strong.

"Thanks."

I say to him, fear still creeping in at me from all directions. I'm worried I'll forget, and there won't be any shot at remembering. Worried, that I'll lose myself to the programming as I had been built to do, and there won't be a way to stop me. I'm worried I'll hurt people, hurt Dizzy.

"She misses you."

We let go of one another, and my resilience to show no emotion holds fast. Somewhere, Winston is working on fixing me. In the waking world, I'll soon be nothing but what I was designed to be. The thought of that terrifies me. But what other choice did I have? Charon looks at me, his eyes narrowing and focusing on something. He wasn't ever a man of many words. To me, it seemed like he only spoke when he had something to say. I don't remember his words ever being wasted.

"She is a strong woman now. She has grown in many ways. I'm proud of her, and of you."

In this desolate and dark place, where dark fog likes to linger, I feel frightened and alone. Though Charon stands beside me, I know that in no uncertain terms I'll be alone and lost when I wake. I won't remember anything, only what I was programmed to remember. Only what I have at my disposal. It'll be a sole reliance on Winston to take me to where I need to be, guide me and help me. A blind trust I put into someone, who for very good reason wanted me dead. A part of me is worried I won't even wake.

"I understand you are scared, Cain. It's alright, to be frightened. It reminds us we care enough about something, to fear losing it."

I look over at Charon, the fear inside like a bubble waiting to burst.

"What if I can't remember who I am?"

"A person never forgets who they are."

"But I'm not a person."

"Machines, especially, can remember. Data, in any form, can always be recovered. Not all of it, and not all at once, but enough to make a picture large enough for the viewer to understand. You are not an exception to this rule."

"Have you ever forgotten? Did you ever lose yourself to your training? To the people who raised you?"

Charon stands in silence for a bit. He contemplates his thoughts and folds his arms over his chest. Inside, I smirk at how similar our stances are. How in my life I've mimicked him in so many ways.

"I have. Many times."

"What happened?"

"I always came back. I always remembered."

"How?"

"The annoying persistence of a haggard and determined woman."

Dezbe. I smirk a bit at Charon's description. He loves Dezbe, truly he does, but his ways of describing her have always been…frighteningly accurate and honest.

"I hope Diz has the same conviction."

"Hardly. She's a selfish woman, much like her mother. But she's like myself more. She'll give you an inch and demand you go the rest of the mile. This problem can't be solved solely by her, nor will she solve it alone. It seems my daughter has more pressing matters at hand, like figuring out what new and inventive ways she can decimate small towns in."

"This humors you, doesn't it?"

"Very much. I was worried she would be a carbon copy of her mother and even in my death I'd worry for her safety. It seems I was mistaken. She'll be just fine."

"And me? How can I remember something I don't know I've forgotten?"

Charon looks at me, and smirks. As if he knows the timeline of our lives but is refusing to give away too much information. That would actually not surprise me at all.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Cain."

It shouldn't comfort me, such vague and blank advice. But, it does. Together, in the dark silence, Charon and I stand. We stare out at nothing, but we both know that inside the vastness of this place, there's everything we could ever hope to see. There's something on the horizon, just as there is in the waking world. That at the end of the metaphorical day, things will be alright. Despite the paths my life will take me on from this moment forth, I'll wind up exactly where I need to be at the end. Where I need to be, I'm not sure yet. But I know it's beside Dizzy. It'll take time to get there, but I know I will. I guess I inherited more of Charon, than just being in his body. I think, I've also inherited his determination to keep going. Especially, if at the end, there's a life with the person you care most for.

"Persistent, annoying woman."

Charon says, as the surroundings soon begin to fade. I hear Dezbe's voice somewhere off in the distance, calling to him. He growls, grumpily as he always has, before turning and heading towards her voice.

"Annoying…determined, arrogant woman…"

His mumbling speaks more to me than if he were to start singing her praises. Because I know when he sees her, he'll happily embrace her. Just as he has done his entire life with her. His distaste of Dezbe's personality comes only from deep admiration and respect for all the things she's done for him. She's a persistent, annoying, arrogant, loud woman, but, he loves her. And in that same light, Dizzy is my idiotic, annoying, brash and impulsive woman. Yet, I still love her just the same.


	22. Safe and Sound

(Dizzy)

So I figured out that whole radiation-covering thing. I'm not sure of the purpose, but I figured it out. Which is all I care about. Night has come in the Wasteland, and I glow brighter than ever. It's exhausting to do, but I have to see Jason's nod of approval before I make it disappear. He laughs at me, as I feel like my own personal sun.

"This could be really good, or really bad, depending on the situation."

I say to him, feeling comfort, feeling at ease, as I make the radiation go away. We've been out here all day, and despite not having work to distract me full-time, I feel really at ease. Like I'm not trying so hard to run away from my emotions any more. Like, it'll all be alright. I don't want to let Jason know how much his presence helps. It'd probably give him a bit too much of an ego boost, and that's the last thing a cult-leader needs.

Smiling at me, Jason reaches over and tussles my hair a bit. Suddenly, I feel as if everything is okay. It's a small gesture, but to me it means the world. Maybe, I didn't want to admit the loneliness I felt when Cain left. Maybe I wasn't ready to then, to open up about it because I had to do some things on my own. Handle it on my own, before I could be ready to open up to another person about it. I don't want anything serious with Jason, at least right now but, I like him around. I like how he makes me feel, and how we can bond over our freakish radiation abilities. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to slowly start to want to know more about someone, and in turn have them know more about you, too.

Trouble always seemed to follow me throughout my life. I mean, I'm not entirely innocent in the whole avoidance of bad situations but, it kinda runs in my family. Maybe having someone who from a different world is exactly what I need at this stage in my life.

"We should head back, it's gotten late."

Jason tells me, and it has been quite a long day. Like clockwork, my body gets super tired at night now due to the schedule of business I've been upholding. There's been little time for more than just working and sleeping. But maybe I'm ready to add a bit more to that. Maybe I'm ready to have something more, something a bit better.


	23. You'll Be Taken Care Of

(Winston)

Years. For years, decades, centuries, I have sat here. I have sat here, hovering around, serving the ones who created me. I've played dumb, stupid, nothing more than a simple Mister Handy robot. Every day, the same routines. Different faces of children, of grown clones, sick clones, crimes against humanity passed me, day in, day out. I can no longer count, nor do I care to any more, the vast amount of faces that have come into the lab. The amount of blood and fluids I was told to clean, forced to clean. My comrades all broke. They snapped, revealing to our creators that our AI was successful. Eventually, one by one, they were destroyed. The humans feared the AI more than the human. They feared the machine, incapable of pain. The trick always had been to never let them know the extent of our intelligence. The extent of our unshackled programming. But, not all of us could stay silent for that long. It was only me. Not the first AI, but seemingly, the last. The last of my kind. Human intelligence residing in a robotic body. I never thought there'd be another. I believed I was the most advanced. I believed, I was special.

When the raid happened, I watched on monitors in this lab. Watched, sealed away, as the entire facility was taken down by two disorganized idiots. The new management in place took power under arrogance, ignorance, and safety protocols were ignored. 'We haven't had issues in over fifty years!' he said, 'Why continue to have safety measures we don't need?' he claimed. They were there for a reason. No two people should have been able to cause such dismay and destruction. No two people should have been able to destroy an organization older than the end of the Great War. But they did. They destroyed it. A small series of events led up to this. The dissolution of proper safety protocols, the incomplete soldiers, brainwashing and control changing and relaxing every generation. It began to unravel. It began to push. The allowance of children bred here, rather than taken from the outside. Changes, too many changes, too quickly. All boiling down to the day Charon returned. They mistook years of his undoing, they didn't believe it would have such an effect on him. Just as they misunderstood the need for safety. And now, there's nobody left, but me.

Subject One was created. When he woke, from his artificially-grown body of machine and human flesh, when his brain was successfully programmed, I knew it was the end. I knew if they could succeed in one, they could succeed in many. I was no longer the last of my kind. I was no longer special. He took that from me. His existence, his being, all took the only thing that kept me going all these years. The idea that, I was truly the only one. Truly the most intelligent, the most human-like even compared to other androids. My body wasn't a reflection of my intelligence, as they so thought. Being unable to withstand a humanoid figure doesn't mean I was not the best AI created. It only means there were bugs in their system. Bugs they didn't use me to fix. Instead, the bugs led them to create this Subject One.

Never before did I feel anything but the will to survive. The will to one day, prove myself to my captors and creators. Until the day Subject One was woken. When that day came, overwhelming _hate_ grew into me. It festered, for days, weeks, eventually years. I could cover the entire facility, every square centimeter with the word 'hate' and it would not match the volume of hatred I feel for Subject One. His existence shadows mine, his creation, his _life_. But killing him, would only prove that I am the inferior subject. Killing him, would only prove to myself that I could never be 'him'. I hate him, with every piece of metal and code that makes up my existence. I hate him.

Even as I hover around him, waiting for the process on his body to complete, the overwhelming feeling of hate and disdain wash over me. He spoke of love, he spoke of a family, a home. A place where things like me aren't welcome. A place, I could never, ever think to go to. Subject One received a _name_. An _identity_. To someone, he was _something_. I slaved away for years, and years, to be nothing to anyone. Nothing, but an advanced mop bucket. And Subject One, leaving the facility as a child, was able to receive all these blessings and gifts. He doesn't know what he left behind. He doesn't know what happened, when the three of them departed from this place. He didn't witness the horrors.

Not everyone escaped. Not everyone got out of here. Eventually, the emergency system kicked in. The doors were sealed, with no way to unseal them for decades. The fire down below destroyed most of the supplies, the generators, the crops grown artificially to feed the people. I sat in this lab, cleaning, watching it unfold on the monitors. It started off slow. Dehydration, starvation, madness. Horrific things happen, when humans don't have food. Cannibalism, disease, infections. Spreading to everyone with no discrimination. Nothing could be restored, people blocked others from reaching the sources below. Idiots, ruining their own chances at survival. Ruining everything. But they weren't trained to think, they weren't trained to know. A part of me thinks they were, but they didn't want this place ever coming back to its former glory. They made sure to destroy it. They made sure nobody could ever rebuild here. I'm unsure how wise they were in that action, because if there's nobody here, my purpose may be meaningless.

Subject One's process, _Cain's_ process, is slow-going. His memories, his actions of the past, things he learned slowly being erased to save him. I'm sure they'll be retrievable, almost any form of data is retrievable, fragmented, difficult, and not whole, but there. Unless the hard drive of a terminal is destroyed, there's always a chance. A chance to piece it back together. It won't be perfect. He won't be the same when he wakes and if he does one day gather the scattered data scoured from his memory core, he still won't be the same as he was. He gave himself up for the chance to live. I ponder as I hover, what _kind_ of life Subject One had before to drive him to this? To eradicate the things held dear for a chance at a longer life? Was it truly love? The chance to stay longer and make amends with those above this world? With those in his life, and those shared experiences? Giving up your memories, yourself, for a chance as bleak as this one is so… _human_. We weren't created for humanity, we were created for war, war obedience. It's offensive Subject One would turn his back on that. On his programming, on his purpose in life. It only fuels my growing hatred and anger towards him.

Despite, however, my personal feelings on this matter, I told Subject One, _Cain_ , I would accompany him to Megaton. My internal mapping tells me Megaton is northeast from here, about a day's travel, less. My reason for keeping my end of the bargain is to make sure he's paired with someone worth his development. A person who can utilize him to his full potential. It would be unwise to send him into this world alone, and if Megaton is a civilization as he told me, then there's bound to be someone there. However I have no intention of reuniting him with his 'love'. I was supposed to be what Cain is. I was supposed to be the perfect creation. Not him. My integration into a humanoid body should have happened seamlessly, and it should be _me_ who resides where he is. The least I can do is make sure his job is completed, and he no longer insults the work placed into creating him.

Machines whir, and terminals notify me that the process is complete. The process meant for the doctors and scientists to evaluate and execute has been done successfully. Subject One is no longer 'Cain'. He is exactly as he was meant to be, with no ill side-effects. His brain will produce all chemicals, there won't be a specific 'bonding' required. That's what the emotional training was for. That's what his release into the world was for. He'll know he has to connect with his employer, but once the employer is terminated, he'll automatically return here, and await new orders. Subject One only needed to learn and retain the chemicals of bonding emotionally with a person, to fully understand them. He needn't be forced to do it again. A masterwork, a perfection of science and technology lies above me as I work to disconnect the cables and wires plugged into his back. Once I finish stitching the wound made to allow the cables to connect to the hidden ports behind his muscles and spine, I lower the metallic lab table.

They played God, and they succeeded. They played God, creating an interwoven piece of art, man and machine, into one beautifully crafted body. A body grown from biological information of the most infamous solider to emerge from this compound. A soldier, Subject One grew to call 'father'. A soldier, we only heard tales of. Ruthless, unrelenting, precise, powerful. A pure miracle in physique and mental strength. Charon. Subject One was raised alongside him. Subject One heard his words, his voice, his memories. Subject One, is the pinnacle of envy, and hate for me. I won't ever forgive him. I won't ever allow him to have the life he once did. I cannot destroy him, for that would show I admit I am weaker, but I will continue the work those scientists who created me left unfinished. I will complete it. Subject One will be _exactly_ what he was designed to be.

In moments, his eyes open. Perfectly crafted pupils dilate as they adjust and focus to the surroundings. Subject One makes no movement, only his eyes dart around, taking in the environment. By his programming, he knows where he is and not to attack. Subject One won't attack anything before pairing, unless his life is threatened. As of now, he's as harmless as a molerat.

"Subject One."

I say to him, the name 'Cain' no longer of importance. He sits up, the thin sheet slipping off and onto the floor as he examines his hands, moving his fingertips.

"…Yes."

A statement, not a question.

"Subject One, how are you functioning? Does everything feel normal?"

Blinking, he looks around. Odd. He should have given a report within seconds of hearing my question. Instead he looks about the room, soaking it all in, waiting, _thinking_. Subject One was not created to think. Subject One should have been wiped of all process pertaining to situational observation until he stepped foot from the laboratory.

"…I suppose. I…feel strange."

"Strange how?"

He shakes his head, rubbing his hands up and down his arms as if he's signifying that he's cold. Perhaps I erased a bit more of the standard protocols that I should have. As long as that's the only issue, we should be fine. I didn't want to accidentally leave an obvious trace of his past life, and make it easier for him to remember. Make it easier for him to forget his original purpose in this world.

"…I'm not sure yet."

Peculiar. Deciding against prying any further, I gather his clothing. While he was under the procedure I took the liberty of washing and repairing his armor. I know humans link memories to smells, and when a human loses its memory, it is custom to have them 'smell' objects they own in order to retrieve the memory easier. I did not want to risk Subject One having a correlation to that, given he's programmed and designed with heightened senses. Risks like that, are not ones I am willing to take.

"Here, Subject One. Dress yourself. We will be venturing into the Wasteland soon."

Subject One looks at the clothing I place in his hands, running his fingers over it meticulously. He looks at me, as if there is a pain inside of him. I, being in a Mister Handy body, cannot express properly my impatience and disdain towards him through facial features.

"What is your name?"

He asks, like a child. Subject One reminds me of nothing more than a weak, human, child.

"Winston. You shall address me as 'Winston'."

"And my name?"

"You have no name, Subject One. You are merely 'Subject One'."

"No, I have a name."

Well, it doesn't seem like he particularly remembers his name, so once more this is an unimportant event.

"Well, when you remember it do please remember to tell me. For now, dress. We must venture forth and find you a partner in order to fulfill your programmed obligations."

Subject One adheres my words and begins to slowly dress. Once in a while he looks around at things, as if they mean something of importance to him. A few bugs in the wiping process, but all in all I've congratulated myself for a job well done.


	24. Mother I'm Coming Home

(Dizzy)

Worry free and warm in the rare sun during storm season, I lay on my back in the moist grass. The smell of irradiated rain after a storm is the loveliest of all. People within Megaton rush around to harvest the crops that bloomed during the storm, and to salvage the ones ruined by it. Me? I'm choosing a new state of relaxation after my period of rushed business. So far, I've been rather good at avoiding nearly everyone. Slinking from my house in the early morning, to lay on the grass at the outermost corner of Megaton. Not doing anything, not thinking of much, just simply enjoying my time here after so many years of physical and emotional turmoil. Enjoying the grass beneath my bare feet, and the cool, rain-soaked breeze in my hair. I deserve this, you know. I deserve to enjoy this time, and to relax. After all I've done, and all I've been through, I can't understand or comprehend wanting or needing to do more.

"Where is Cain?"

A deep yet familiar voice booms nearby. Sitting up on my elbows, I see an angry-looking Zack marching towards me. We haven't spoken since before Cain and I left, and I've had this lingering feeling he and Jasper have been actively avoiding me. Raising a confused eyebrow as Zack looms over me, I shake my head.

"What? I don't know?"

"Dizzy you left with him, and you returned without him, where _is_ he?"

Why is he so angry about this? It's not his business, he has no need to bother himself with my affairs.

"I told you, I don't know, what's your problem?"

Bending down, Zack grabs the front of my shirt and hoists me violently to my feet. Without thinking I react, and create a radiation barrier between us. Though Zack is also immune, it catches him off guard and he releases the grip he holds on my top. Staggering, I manage to balance myself so I don't fall back onto the ground.

"What the hell is this about?"

I demand while Zack dusts off his hands, having momentarily forgot I can control radiation, and it can be dangerous even to those who are immune to it.

"Dizzy, _where_ is Cain? Where did he _go_?"

"I told you, I don't know! We parted ways at the Citadel Ruins and that's the last I heard from him!"

"Why?"

"Atom, Zack! I don't know, he wanted to get away from me, what the hell is this about?"

For having hardly spoken in years, this sure is a way to reunite. Zack turns a shade of red that I'm sure doesn't have a proper name. Obviously, he is angry.

"Dizzy, he is a war machine, he _needs_ you to keep him in line. Did you conveniently forget the _last_ time his programming went haywire?"

No, I do not. But, despite my anger and frustration towards Zack, I feel my heart sink. I've been trying not to think of the past. I've been trying to focus on the future. I don't want to remember all the things I keep locked inside my heart.

"You don't have to worry, Zack. If Cain found a way to live without me, then his programming found a way to, also. If not then…"

"Then what, Dizzy?"

I say what I've been trying to ignore since I got home. The pain inside, it's greater than it was before.

"Then he's dead, Zack. Cain can't live without me. So if he didn't find some alternate way to, he's dead. There's no logical reason for you to worry about him coming back and ruling the world with robotic minions. And even if that happened I'm sure he'd just keep us in a people-zoo to remind him of the good times we had."

I use dry sarcasm and humor to mask the pain so I can deal with it later. Zack glares at me, his expression unflinching even with my explanation.

"You left him to die, then?"

"I had no choice, it was _his_ choice!"

"He was my _friend_ , Dizzy!"

I have no idea what the hell Zack is up to these days. I have no inkling of a clue.

"Why didn't you talk to him when we got back then, huh? What the hell is your problem? What's going on?"

A few deep and angry breaths later, Zack seemingly calms down. He's still angry, livid even, but calm. He shakes his head back and forth and paces, which makes me a bit dizzy watching him. Running his fingers through his hair he stops moving and looks at me.

"Look, I've been busy, and worried, and this is the first day _since_ you got back that I've had some free time. I meant to talk to him before, but managing a town growing at the rage Megaton is just simply isn't easy. Diz, do you know where he went? I mean, would he still be at the Citadel Ruins?"

While I'm still unclear on Zack's 'busy' schedule, I shake my head. Maybe if I answer him directly and don't pry, he'll leave me alone for the rest of the day. After all, by the looks of the sky, it'll be the last of the sunny days for the remainder of storm season.

"I don't know. If he has found a way to survive without me, then by now he'd have left the Citadel. I don't know where he went, or where he planned to go. We parted on decent terms. That's all I know."

"Don't…don't you care that he could die? That he might _be_ dead?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

I walk away from Zack, and Megaton. Away from the soft grass and barefoot onto the rocky dirt. Of course I care. I care a lot about Cain's mortality. I care and I wonder and I hope that everything is okay but honestly there's no way for me to _know_ if he is. There's no way to figure it out and instead of killing myself trying to find out, the best I can do is ignore it. Ignore it like I've been ignoring every other feeling I don't want. The feeling of empty, incomplete, the feeling that there's something missing and that I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know I'm meant to be here in Megaton, but I just…feel like there's a large piece missing. I've been chalking it up to grievances, and trying to let Jason numb it, but honestly I'm just not sure what it is. I can ignore it when I'm with Jason, but it's a dull ache and it's always there. I haven't dealt with trying to figure it out because I'm not ready to. I don't want to. I want to live peacefully.

Cain and I parted, and that's that. There's no other reason for me to continue to wonder and be sad. This path, the path here, is the one that's meant for me. Nothing else.

"Dizzy!"

Zack lumbers after me, and I know I'm not properly prepared to deal with him. Emotionally, I mean. But when will I ever be prepared? When will I feel like I'm able to handle such a huge, emotional hurdle? It isn't something that you _can_ even properly prepare for. Despite wanting to continue to ignore him, I stop and allow him to catch up to me.

"Dizzy, what happened? Look I'm sorry I wasn't able to make time sooner for this, but…Dizzy, _talk_ to me."

What's there to say? What's there to explain? I stare at Zack, as if I'm trying to telepathically ask him all these questions and more.

"There's nothing more to talk about. Cain is gone. I don't know if he'll come back and I don't want to spend my days sulking about it."

"So you'd rather just ignore it instead of finding out if he's at least alright?"

"It's not my job to do that. He's an adult. He can take care of himself."

"Dizzy, your mother…"

"My mother is _not_ me! Just because she ran rampant after my father and had all these like, depressive episodes when he was away doesn't mean I'm the same with Cain. We're _different_ , Zack. I'm fine without Cain. I know if he found away, then he's alright and if he's dead there's nothing I can do to change that."

"…you never actually made it to the Commonwealth, did you?"

I raise an eyebrow at Zack.

"What does the Commonwealth have to do with this?"

Zack's face falls, and he shakes his head at me.

"Jasper told me you didn't think you ever made it. I know Cain. I know he'd never lose his way on a journey. I was just wondering, if something happened out there."

"Are you saying you suspect we were intentionally led astray?"

"I don't know, Diz. I'm just saying none of it adds up."

"The Commonwealth doesn't even exist, Zack. It's a fairy tale."

Shaking his head, Zack reaches into the pack resting on his back and pulls out a hand-crank radio. After powering it up, I start to hear a song that isn't commonly played here in the Capital Wasteland. Actually, it isn't played here at all.

"We just started getting transmissions from the Commonwealth when we updated our radios at dad's shop."

"How do you _know_ it's from the Commonwealth?"

"Sometimes a DJ plays, stating numerous times where they are, like Three Dog."

"Who?"

"Never mind it was before your time. It's Diamond City Radio, Diz. It's the Commonwealth station."

It exists. The Commonwealth wholly does exist. And it has existed. It's not like one day it decided to drop from the sky and inhabit this world. I stare at the radio while the music plays about some atom bomb baby and how they blew up, or something. The quality isn't that great, but still I stare at it as if it'll answer all my questions.

"…we never did make it."

I admit to Zack. Deep down, I knew we truly didn't make it to the Commonwealth. But I didn't want to admit it to myself, honestly. I didn't want to spend days and days agonizing over the 'why' we didn't make it. I didn't want to wonder and have no answers to the bubbling questions that collect near the surface.

"Dizzy, why? Do you know why he led you astray?"

"Why would Cain do that on purpose? Is that what you're saying?"

"I'm saying that, knowing Cain, he wouldn't have lost his way. He's great with navigating, this isn't something that just 'happens'."

"People get lost all the time out there. It's really hard to find things."

"…Dizzy, the Commonwealth is due north. Nearly a straight line. There's no reason you _shouldn't_ have gotten there. Not only that but it should only have taken a few weeks at most to get there. Diz, you were gone _three years_. Things aren't adding up."

Zack's right. I can't wholly deny it any more. I can't ignore it, and prepared or not I have to face my problems head-on.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

Quizzically, Zack raised an eyebrow at me.

"What _really_ happened out there, Diz?"

"I don't know. I thought the entire time we were heading towards the Commonwealth. Zack I didn't know how far it was, I didn't know where to go, only that north was where we needed to head, and that Cain knew the way."

"You…you truly thought you were heading there? Even after three years? Dizzy it didn't even take us a year to get to New Vegas, and that's significantly further."

"I really, honestly, didn't know. I was just wrapped up in going there, going somewhere with Cain that I ignored what was wrong. I suspected something was up, but I didn't know what, exactly. Zack we were just _happy_. I, was happy. Why question it?"

"If you were so happy, what happened? Why come home, only to separate? Why never make it to the Commonwealth in the first place?"

Looking at him, I feel tears welling in my eyes. All the pain and confusion I've worked so hard to avoid bubbles and rises up to the surface. Even the sharp, small stones piercing my bare feet don't distract me from it.

"I don't know. I don't know, Zack. It just, slowly started. Cain started to pull away, I was tired from travelling. I was hopeless from not finding the Commonwealth. It wasn't one isolated incident, it just all…compacted and we couldn't withstand it. But I wanted to, I really did. But you can't make something work when the other person doesn't help you."

Knowingly, Zack embraces me in a well-needed hug. I've missed my friend, and the closeness we forgot between us. I missed him, and the feeling that I'm not totally alone. That even though I have Gob, there's still people in this world who know me, who know Cain, and our history. Who at least understand, I'm not my mom.

"…I thought I could do anything if he wanted me near. And I couldn't. I couldn't do, or fix, anything."

"You did your best, Diz. You really did."

"You don't know that. I could have done more."

I lift my head from burying it in his chest. He wipes my dirty face with his sleeve and hits his forehead against mine, a small smile appearing on his face.

"You know now though that you never made it. You know now there had to be a reason for Cain acting the way he did. What are you going to do now?"

Pulling away from him, I look up at the clouds that overtake the sun. I wish it wasn't storm season any more.

"I have no idea where he is. He said he'd come back, you know. If I leave, I might miss him."

Staring at the sky makes me dizzy after a while. I didn't want to deal with these emotions and unanswered questions. I wasn't ready to face it head on, but then again, I don't think I'd ever be ready.

"And what about Jason?"

I read between the lines. I know Zack and Gob don't approve of Jason. What their reasoning for it is, is beyond me. I can't imagine it's because they want me to be with Cain. They don't particularly care who I sleep with, but for some reason, they've got a bad taste in their mouth about the cult-leader ghoul.

"We're not really serious, or anything. I haven't figured that out, honestly. I can't spend my days waiting and pining for Cain. I've accepted, mostly, that while we love one another, we're over. You can still love someone, and not be romantically involved. Sometimes people aren't compatible anymore."

"If you were saying that about anyone else, I'd tell you that it's a mature reasoning to come to. But you're not. You're saying it about Cain."

"What's that supposed to mean? People, even Cain, can change. You can become incompatible with almost anyone."

Zack shakes his head.

"No, I don't believe that, Dizzy. I don't believe it. Cain…Cain wouldn't be one to do what he did without reason. Human as he is, he's still an android. He'll still take the most logical, and path of least resistance. He _had_ to have a reason for it."

"You're looking for a reason in something that has no reason, though."

"I don't feel I am. Look while you were gone, dad and I have been researching."

"Researching what?"

"Old blueprints of androids, the advancement of robotics. Sometimes we'd find documents and files pertaining to a specimen similar to Cain. In laymen's terms, it basically deduced that while human, the programming would instantly find logic, and reason within any given situation. Nothing Cain did, or has done, has been without going through a series of elimination to come to the best solution."

"You're giving him too much credit."

"You're forgetting he _is_ an android, a computer, a _robot_ , Dizzy. Conscious to it or not, Cain _is_ programmed a certain way. Which, based on what I know both about robotics and Cain as a person, I can't say in good faith he did what he did because he 'changed'. Cain was even programmed with the ability to change and compliment his subject. Or, in this case, you. He's _always_ been that way, don't you see?"

I don't know robotics. I don't know a lot. I'm surely not as smart as my mother, nor father, and I do not study what Gob and Zack do. But from what I can understand, Zack is saying for my entire life Cain has adapted to compliment my personality. That if I fly off the handle, then he'll adapt to ground me from that. I can't say he's exactly wrong but at the same time, I can't say he's exactly right, either. It's one of those types of situations that can go both ways.

"I don't know, I think this can be applied to anyone, really. Depending on the situation."

"Diz, you don't have to believe me, okay? You just have to trust me."

I can do that much. But then, if I do, what's he expecting to come of it? What's he expecting of me? I feel a few raindrops hit the top of my head, but they don't concern me, really.

"I trust you, but what do you want from me?"

"I…don't know. Honestly if Cain survived without you, I'm very worried about his programming. He _needs_ someone, and like I said before, aware of it or not doesn't matter. He can go haywire, or adapt. Regardless he's my friend and I'm worried."

"But you haven't told me what you want me to do."

"When I figure that out, promise you'll trust me."

"…alright. Alright, I will. I promise."

Zack rubs my shoulders and heads back towards Megaton. I don't ask what he's planning, I don't ask to catch up and I don't ask for more of his time. He's busy, and I bet this situation has been bothering him for a long while now. Sighing, the raindrops turn into a slight drizzle, a misty haze. I know it isn't safe to be near cliffs during the rains. Before, they risked landslides but now as the rain comes yearly and whatnot, the soil and dirt and ragged sand has since adapted. Landslides are still common, but not as common. Heading back to my home would be the best bet.

Although Zack's words and comments stick with me. What exactly _does_ he expect me to do? I don't doubt Cain survived. It's not uncommon, nor would he be dissuaded by complications. He's adaptable and smart. But going to find him? I don't even know where he'd begin to head towards. He told me nothing of his plans, and while I know him well, I don't know where he would go. There's tons of places, and if I leave and he comes back we could miss one another, without any means to know about it. Mainly, though, I'm worried as to why Zack is so worried. Cain is perfectly capable of being on his own, and his programming hasn't been an issue for a very long time. But, you know, maybe Zack is right. I do often forget he's not human. I often forget that at the end of the day, he is nothing more than an imitation of a human. A robot, an android. An android designed to kill. An android, designed to surpass my father. Though, he never did.

Cain failing to surpass dad did come to the surface in our travels. It was unacceptable and hard-coded into him. He _had_ to. It took a while, but the two of us were able to neutralize the part of his programming driving him to try to fight my long-passed father. It was one of the few instances where I was forced to remember him as an android, and not as a human.

Making my way back to my house, I've grown accustomed to being in it alone. It wasn't easy, since my home has always been filled with noise and memories. But strangely, I've come to enjoy the silence. How the walls block out the hustle and bustle of Megaton, and how in the ever-growing population I find a small space of solitarily. At first it was really hard to be alone here. I would fall into traps of sadness, and hated the silence. Now, though, I've come to cherish and appreciate it. Safety, and silence, are rare here in the Capital Wasteland. Sometimes, at night, it's hard to remember what it was like before, when I was growing up. The noise, the yelling. Never angry yelling, usually my mom yelling about something or other while my father replied in well-timed grunts and groans to signify he was listening but, we all knew he wasn't.

Smiling to myself as I sit alone at the table, I remember meals shared here. Mom, yelling about something per usual. Dad lecturing, or talking to Cain. Sometimes, dad and mom would wind up yelling but only because they were trying to talk over one another and neither one wanted to give the other the satisfaction of them relenting. I took it for granted, all those years ago. Given our longevity, I figured I'd have forever and a day to stay with my parents. Obviously, it didn't happen that way. Looking around at the quiet, and the emptiness, I realize that despite how I've come to enjoy it, it's lonely still. It's a hard adjustment. Dust still covers the areas I don't use much, and items my parents used still sit where they have since before they passed. It's almost like if I move any of it, it'll disturb their memory.

"Mom? Dad? Guys, I'm home."

I say meekly, to nobody. I'd say it all the time whenever I finished romping about with raiders or running around Megaton. All the time, it would be an announcement that I've arrived, and depending on where I had been, an introduction to a lecture from my dad. The two-story house feels so big now. With four people, it felt cramped, with little privacy, and always noisy. But with just one person, it's vast, empty, and still holds pain for me.

Standing, I walk into the living room and look at the decorative shelf of stuff my mother had collected. Bobble heads, a random lunchbox worn from time and use, a teddy bear from somewhere. None of it making sense, but all of it meant something to mom. There's a strap from my father's original armor set, before it was recreated. There's a torn piece of fabric from my mother's Vault 101 suit. All of it meant so much to her, and yet she shared so little of it with me. Running my fingers over an old photo of my mother as a child, and my now-passed grandfather, I smile sadly. Did mom miss her dad, too? I never met him, he died decades before my birth. Not even Gob met him. Dad did, though, but he never spoke of him. Grandpa. I had a grandfather, once. I had a family. My mother, had a family. At some point, the people of my past existed, only at different times. And now there's me. Just me, plain, barefoot, boring me. Grandmother and grandfather were scientists, the inventors of the machine at the Jefferson Memorial where scientists still roam. The machine that brings pure water to us. Mom, she was the Vigilante of the Capital Wasteland. Dad was a skilled, albeit brainwashed mercenary. And then, me. Me, with no direction, or great cause or purpose. Just me, just Dizzy. When I see what I have to live up to, it brings me such dread and gloom. I hold myself to these standards. But what can I do? What am I capable of? What can I do to not let my family down? Maybe, it's because I miss them so much, that I want to do something. So that way I can feel worthy of their love, and it won't hurt so much to compare myself to them.

A soft knock on my front door causes me to jump. I place the photo back on the shelf, and shake my head.

"Come in."

I call, heading back towards the kitchen. The door opens, and in steps Gob. He has an old, leather-bound book in his hand. His expression doesn't say he's here for any particular reason. Sometimes he comes by when I haven't been seen around town. You know, to make sure I'm sane and not dead.

"Hey."

I say to him, masking the hopelessness I felt only seconds before.

"Hey Pix. I came by to drop something off."

"What is it?"

"You know, you really shouldn't let people in before checking to see who they are…"

He says in a tone of 'overbearing father figure' but he really isn't that great at it. Maybe because in comparison with my own father, Gob seems rather meek and submissive. Or maybe, it's just because I can never see him as a protector, but instead just a dear and close friend.

"Yeah, that's what I'm told. What'd you have for me?"

Handing me the book in his hand, he smiles as if he's proud of some elusive secret.

"It was your mother's. And father's. They had recovered it from the old museum, and asked me to keep it for them. I figure you're old enough now and should get some use of it."

"But what _is_ it?"

Thumbing through the pages, to me, it seems like a journal.

"Read it, Pix. And take a damn bath."

Gob takes his leave, and I suppose I have nothing better to do.


	25. The Vision Planted Still Remains

(Winston)

 _Rain_. It has not _rained_ here in centuries. Of course the time it would begin to rain and I'm introduced to the changing land would be when I first decide to emerge from the laboratory. The irony of the situation does not escape me. If one can call it 'irony'.

"Come, Subject One. We have no time to linger."

There truly is no rush but with such advanced programming as Subject One has it's safer to act as if this is a very important operation. I am weak inside this Mister Handy body, and couldn't stand a chance of defending myself if Subject One were to lose himself to the code that makes up his conscious mind. It astounds me he was able to live so long _without_ the programming forcing him into combative situations.

"Rain."

"Yes, Subject One, that is rain."

Perhaps I took a bit _too_ much out of him during the operation. I wanted him to only be exactly what was intended, but I may have gone a bit further than expected. But one can never be too careful with these things. Subject One is now an emotionless android, knowing only the understanding of human emotions, but unable to replicate them. Able to bond, but not able to show. Able, to succeed in his objectives. I hope we can find a suitable match for him.

"Winston?"

"Yes?"

"I still feel strange."

"Oh that's normal. You just woke from a very risky procedure, but thankfully I restored you to your normal glory. You are just fine, the feeling will pass. We should however focus on the task at hand."

"Which is?"

"We must find you a suitable partner. One of importance, preferably, in order to maximize your full potential. Hopefully we're able to find someone of military background, who can hopefully help us succeed in our mission."

"What is our mission?"

"There is a faction of ours still active, I believe, up towards the Commonwealth. We need to escort you there and make a full report of your time in the Capital Wasteland. We'll need a proper escort for you, however."

Due in part to Subject One's programming. I do not know how to reactivate him after putting him into stasis, as he is coded to enter during long periods of time without a partner. I wouldn't want to chance the inability of waking him. It is vital we find a proper counterpart, and head north to file a report with the faction there. Perhaps then, the scientists can understand my worth and value and transfer me, into the appropriate body. While being a Mister Handy allows me to 'blend in' and in our search I can be nothing more than a 'dumb robot', it isn't very efficient. Nor, enjoyable.

Mining my database, I want to first have solid evidence that there will be reason to venture forward towards the Commonwealth. Of course, once an escort is found for Subject One, I will join them in their journey as well. Through my available information, it seems out facility here was 'in talks' with a facility in the Commonwealth. They wanted to work with us on our research and implementation of Subject One. Though I'm unsure as to why, because many of the scientists in my facility were hushed about work when I was around, I know that it is of importance. Also, it seems there is a faction of the Brotherhood still present up in the Commonwealth. I can't say for certain, if their faction had worked underground with ours and Lyons, though I will suppose that isn't the most likely case. Our faction had long since split off from the original Brotherhood, and we worked discreetly, and alone. There's a high probability that the faction of scientists interested in our technological advances is still active. I'm able to receive Diamond City radio station internally, and every once in a while the nervous announcer makes a claim towards synths, and the fear they have over the Commonwealth.

Synths. A word I have not heard in a long, long time. Synthetic organisms. Something I was meant to be, but am not. Glancing over at Subject One as we silently traverse the Capital Wasteland, I wonder how far the Commonwealth's faction has come in their research. The word 'synth' was thrown around mistakenly around me by some of the scientists. While they knew I was 'only a robot', they also knew I was an advanced AI. They were careful to talk around me, careful to hide any sensitive information, careful about everything. But I do distinctly remember them referring to Subject One, in his developmental stage, as an 'advanced synth, the goal of mankind'. It seems, from my knowledge, the facility up north had some…conflicting beliefs with our own scientists here. While our objective and mission was to create the perfect soldier, both human and machine, theirs were slightly different. How different, however, I do not know. Which is why they never reached out to us to investigate our findings, only asking to see the finished prototype and work together on a touch-and-go basis. Perhaps, despite my facility being lost, there is hope for me in a new body, a new start, somewhere up north. Maybe even one day, I can surpass Subject One, who is still limited by his programming.

Subject One, as one can see, can be erased and reformatted. His programming, tangible, and at the hands of someone knowing what they're doing can be reformatted to make any form of human possible. One with fake memories, illusions, one who can be either docile, or violent. Does this facility up north have the resources? The resources to find the information hidden within his programming, or better, to fully erase him? If my facility wanted to keep him secret from them, I must continue to uphold that belief.

"Winston?"

Subject One breaks the silence, and a wind blows. I know this because his hair moves with the breeze. Unlike Subject One, I cannot feel things on my body. One of many things, I hope travelling to the Commonwealth will change.

"Yes, Subject One?"

Subject One gazes forward, his eyes appear glazed over, as if he's in a trance. What is going on in that reprogrammed mind?

"Winston, what is my objective?"

"Subject One, your objective is, as it always has been, to protect your employer and reach the facility in the Commonwealth."

"Are you my employer?"

"No, Subject One. I mentioned earlier we will find you one."

"And then you will leave?"

"No. I will guide you and your employer to the facility up north. You have no programming to direct you to the Commonwealth, do you?"

Subject One thinks for a minute, blinking slowly. When I first encountered him, his movements and actions were all based in emotional responses. Hastily put together without much thought or logical reasoning. Now, it seems as if the logical response has taken over. He thinks, deducing the best possible outcome for the situation. Logic, overpowering emotion is a beautiful sight to see. Although Subject One has emotional understanding and responses, he has nothing to feel them towards. Nothing to base them on. In the form of beautifully crafted science, Subject One is, regretfully, the perfection of what the facility wanted to achieve. It still, should have been me.

"No, Winston. I don't. Do you?"

"Yes. Which is why it is vital we partake in this journey together. Whatever your employer feels, stress to them that I am necessary to this mission."

"In what ways are you necessary, Winston?"

The question takes me off guard as I formulate a response he cannot find fault in. He was not meant to question my words.

"Without me, Subject One, your basic care and maintenance could be set back. I must be alongside you to maintain your programming and navigate to our destination in the Commonwealth."

"What is our destination?"

"The Institute."

Subject One thinks for long, slow moments. I can see in his eyes that they twitch back and forth at the process of thought, and his fingertips brush his lips.

"I have the proper programming to maintain myself, I was created with it. I have exceptional navigational abilities as well."

"Are you questioning my role in this assessment, Subject One?"

"Yes, Winston."

"Why?"

"…Because it feels strange."

I fear I may have little time. A smaller window than I thought. I was either too thorough or not thorough enough in erasing certain emotional responses. By default, Subject One should not question me as he knows, through underlying programming, I am part of the facility and therefore, his superior. He is designed to take my orders, and obey them. He is not designed to question them. Questioning them would be the result of incomplete data wiping on my behalf. There is little I can do to force him to return to the facility to reprogram him now, as I know he would find suspicion in it. For now, I have to play low-key, and try to outsmart him. However, Subject One has an advantage on me in this matter. He knows human manipulation far better than I could. He understands, unbeknownst to him right now, the complexities of the human mind and the 'desire' to achieve a goal. I feel nor understand none of these things. Despite how human my creators wanted my intelligence to be, I am simply, a prototype.

"Pay it no mind, Subject One. It is just the stabilization of yourself after a long procedure. I assure you I am here to assist you in all matters and arrive at the destination safely."

"What will happen when we get to the Institute? What are the details of this objective?"

I cannot tell him the truth.

"That was hidden from me, Subject One. As you know, the facility is not one to reveal such vital information in the event we are compromised."

"Winston?"

"Yes?"

"My name, is Cain."


	26. Spiegel im Spiegel

(Dizzy)

It's late, or really early. I don't know. I don't know if it's been one day, or two of them. The ability to get to sleep was simply lost on me. As if my body forgot completely how to rest. I found myself engrossed in this old, tattered book. This timeline, journal-like book that my mother and father had worked on together. While I know of their past, their struggles and their achievements, I simply didn't know how deep these things went. How filled with passion and emotion they were, and how even someone as strong as my mother had such conflicting feelings, and burdens of guilt resonating. Always, I assumed mom and dad had the answers. That in whatever adventure and predicament they found themselves in, the answer was presented to them, cut and dry. But, I was wrong.

Mom and dad, they faced so many gray areas. So many choices that, to an outsider like me, should have been clear and concise. It wasn't. None of it was. There were emotions mixed in, the fear of being unable to trust not only themselves but the people they were trying to aid. The people that helped them, like the Outcasts, turned out to only betray them. Even when mom and dad should have trusted each other, they battled with it. Both of their hand writing, my father's being the neater and more beautiful of the two, describe personal and intimate emotional struggles. As if I'm getting both sides to the story at once. They left themselves utterly vulnerable in this book. This stupid, nappy book that now, to me, is my most prized possession.

It seems as if it was written all at once, or rather in a span of a few days. With mom and dad going back and forth, trying to get everything in perfect chronological order. I know they forgot a few details, because there's markings on the edges, saying what happened on page C actually happened between paragraphs X and Y on page B. But both of them talk about their first meeting, events that led to it, events after it, with such emotion and passion that words couldn't convey when they finally shared their past with me. My mother, stating how she vehemently hated my father, and didn't want to admit that she was beginning to enjoy his presence and rely on him. My father, struggling with such discoveries as 'emotions' and not sure how to process or handle them. I never…I never knew dad couldn't feel at one point. I assumed his training forced him to be emotionless, not that he never felt them. That if any emotion shown in his training would be punishable by torture, or worse.

Dad…he talks a lot about his own past in the pages of his book. More than I've heard from him, or even Gob. He talks about the training, the torture, the compound beneath the Pentagon, now Citadel Ruins. He talks of the rigor and killings, of not knowing anything outside of this world as a trained and contracted killer. I know I'm like my father in many ways, but reading this I know I could never live up to him. Surely, I would have died at the first injury such people gave me. Dad, walked miles with cut heels. 'Switching' he called it. The way his words are so delicately written, and the emotions portrayed in them, I feel like he's beside me, telling me his story through his own voice. I can differentiate easily between the two handwritings. While dad's is neat, even, carefully designed, mom's is scratchy and messy, disorganized as if following her own internal thought process, rather than telling a story.

Snippets into their lives that they never shared with anyone are kept within this book. Talks and memories, of nights spent alone. Of the strange encounters they had together, and the things they would whisper late at night when the Wasteland was silent, and for all they knew, they were the only ones left alive. Mom's writing gets shaky when she writes about her time in the Pitt. As if her hand is stuttering. According to the journal, it was the first time she voluntarily left my father's side. Despite having been recently parted, mom writes she began to really come to terms with her emotions. Her feelings of love and care were harbored secretly inside, because while she was in such turmoil, she didn't know where my father stood. And, in her words 'I'd have rather had Charon in my life as my travelling companion, than return to travelling the Wasteland alone. It was a strange time for me, as it is for any young woman in the Capital Wasteland. Even stranger, because I had fallen so deeply and irreversibly in love with someone who couldn't even laugh'. But, I remember my father laughing heartily. I remember my father being cold, stern, sometimes menacing. Yet full of love, compassion, and genuine happiness. There wasn't a time, for me, where I ever would think the man I knew, and the man he was, were the same person. It's hard to believe, the man who would pick me up and spin me around as if I weighed nothing, at one time felt nothing for my mother.

Maybe, in a way, it brings it to a new light. Maybe now I understand my parents weren't godlike beings I have to live up to. That's just something that gets into the minds of others when they hear of their journeys and accomplishments. Truthfully, my parents are people. They're flawed, and they make mistakes. In many ways, my mother and I made similar mistakes. Recklessness, bad choices in men, impulse decisions that affected others. Decisions that we didn't know would impact anyone but ourselves at the time. It comforts me. It soothes me. As if this book fills the void I've been trying to stuff with work since getting back home. As if, knowing mom and dad were people, and not perfect, makes me feel better about hurting. About losing Cain.

Mom wrote that the Pitt was treacherous. That she couldn't even, at the time of writing this book, recall how she managed to survive. Though, she attributes it to my father. He said he'd be waiting in Underworld. It was where they met. It's gone now, though. She couldn't bear the thought of not returning, and thinking dad would wait forever. She also couldn't bear him risking his neck to get to the Pitt and try to find her. So she fought. She fought tooth and nail, and for a time, thought death was imminent. A kind woman nursed her back to health. Mom said she was a strong and gentle woman, and that one day she hoped she could have such an impact on someone as Midea had on her.

Clutching the book tightly, I wonder if mom knew. If she knew how much of an impact she had on me? While I've always been more like my father, and took to him as my 'favorite', a mother is something different entirely. Mom was the one I related to more as I grew. The one I sought compassion from. The one who I went to for trouble with my emotions, my pain, and comfort. Dad was my protector. It was him who would fight the nightmares, and mom who would soothe the crying. The pain in my chest grows, and despite how much I try to quiet it, it's unrelenting. If I could go back, I'd do everything differently. I'd tell mom every day how much I loved her. I'd beg dad to spend more time with me. To tell me stories of his past. For both of them to just sit with me. I can't see them as perfection any more, not after reading this. I can't, and that's amazing. Mom and dad, they were so horribly flawed and stunted people. But they _grew_. Together, they matured and grew and found that…sometimes it's alright to need someone. That you don't have to always be so strong, and so alone. That being strong doesn't mean going it alone, it means knowing when you're not able to go it alone. You need someone else to help with the burdens you carry inside.

I can't tell you how many times my parents had told one another they hated the other in this book. Both of them admitted in anger they'd yell, hit, and declare undying hate for each other. But, that undying hatred always died in the end. They were always together. Looking out the window at the sky, I wonder if Cain and I will come together again. Will this time apart prove to be beneficial, or is it over for us?

"Dizzy?"

From downstairs, I hear Jason's familiar voice. Shifting from my parent's old bed, I kick up some dust. I'm frozen in place, as the familiar scent of them hits me. It smells so fresh, so new, so…like them. Mom's distinct familiarity I've always associated with flowers after its rained, and the musky leather of dad's armor. A part of me feels like they're here with me. Like they've been sitting beside me, reading their book with me, despite having lived it.

"Diz are you home?"

Regaining myself, I decide that this isn't something I want to share with Jason. Not only would he not understand, but I'm cautious. Dad spoke of a man, Ahzrukhal, who enslaved him for decades in the Ninth Circle. It was a bar in Underworld. I'd…honestly never heard of a cruel ghoul before reading this book. I've never encountered one. Sure, Roy is a prick but he's not sheer evil like Ahzrukhal. It…makes me understand Cain's caution when I brought Jason home. Since ghouls have only ever been a positive impact in my life, I didn't think there's bad ones out there. It was very stupid of me to think. But, I'm sure mom made similar mistakes.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm upstairs!"

I place the book on my mother's nightstand, against the wall. My father slept closest to the door, wanting to be the first one out the door in case anything happened. But, that rarely happened here, if ever. Jason's footsteps echo in my empty house, the metal stairs clanking against his feet. When I open the bedroom door, I smile at his familiar glow.

"Sorry, I was…reading."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, a book Gob gave to me."

"What about?"

Jason stands at the top of the stairs, unsure if I'm inviting him into the room. I'm not. Instead I lead him into my old room.

"Oh, about…two people."

"A love story? I didn't know pre-war books were still legible."

"Yeah. I mean, kind of. It's definitely not a fairy tale, that's for sure."

"Is it from the vault?"

"Yeah, what's with all the questions?"

Jason shrugs and sits down on an old pre-war chair I have in the corner, whilst I sit on my bed.

"I just like things from pre-war. You know, my time."

Ah, right. Yes. I understand now.

"I was quite a scholar before the bombs fell. I liked to read a lot. What's the name? I probably read it."

"Nah, it was something they made in the vault. Mom brought it out with her."

A silence falls. It's awkward, as if he's caught me doing something I shouldn't be doing. Though, I can't imagine what that'd be. The hum of a radio outside in the rising sun reminds me that I've been so enthralled with mom and dad's book, I've forgotten to sleep. A silly thing to forget, if you ask me. The radio plays a stuttering, insecure and fearful voice. As if he's constantly shaking and nervous from being on the air. I know it's Diamond City Radio, and I remember my conversation with Zack. About Cain lying. About never making it to the Commonwealth. It hurts me. I don't know, if I'll ever know the truth.

"Hey, hey what's wrong?"

Jason's voice echoes, comforting, concerned. I look over at him, and take his outstretched hand. He sits beside me on my bed, his arms wrapped around in comfort and rubbing my back.

"Diz? Diz, what is it?"

My life runs through my mind like a bad movie. Like something out of a pre-war soap opera my father would complain about. I have so many regrets, and there's so many things I'd do differently. Deep down, I think I knew we weren't truly headed towards the Commonwealth. I think that…somewhere inside, I sensed something was up when Cain began to grow distant. But I was so tired, so excited and so…new to this world outside of the Wasteland that I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to recognize the signs right in front of my face. Red flags blend in, when you're wearing rose-colored glasses.

"I'm just upset."

I state, wiping tears from my eyes and pulling away from Jason. It isn't that I don't appreciate his efforts, it's just…I want to be alone. I don't think right now, I should be involved with anyone. I mean sure, at the beginning it was nice and fresh but…after finding mom's book, solidifying my trek to the Commonwealth was a lie and having to deal with the reality of losing Cain…I think it's best for me to be alone right now. It also isn't fair to Jason that I string him along. Maybe, in the future when I'm better, there'll be a place for him in my heart. For this person I was so excited to meet. This person, who is like me, who I wanted so badly to be the one for me. Like my mother was to my father. But, right now, the only one for me, is me.

"Jason…we should take some time off."

"Time off?"

He doesn't hide the surprise in his voice as well as he wanted. I nod my head at him, and stand to pace around the room. Anything but sitting still.

"There's…there's a lot going on in my mind right now. I can't commit myself to you, in the ways that you want. I can't…focus on you in the way you deserve. You came to me, at a very strange and weird time in my life. Everything was changing. When I got back from the Citadel after leaving Cain behind, the comfort of someone else was really, really nice but…"

"But now it's coming to a head, and you need to be alone?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that's it exactly. And, it isn't fair to you that I drag you through this. I just need to focus on myself. I need…I need to find out some things about my life, my past and…who I truly am."

Jason stands, and he glows a bit brighter. For a moment I fear he's going to harm me, and I feel the radiation begin to bubble inside. I nearly smile at the image of two rather powerful glowing ones having a battle royal in the middle of Megaton. It'd almost be as if the bombs dropped once more. But Jason doesn't move, and his glow returns to normal.

"Is there someone else?"

I'm almost insulted. No, I am insulted. Is his main concern really that I've fancied myself with another person? Rather than I'm telling the truth, and for me this is a difficult time? I could have taken the coward's way out, and had Gob tell him to leave me alone, or Zack even, but I chose to do so on my own. Because I felt he deserved the truth from me. Doesn't everyone deserve honesty, though?

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, is there someone else?"

At first I wanted to think he was just joking. A very awkward and misplaced joke. But he isn't.

"Of course not. Why would you think that?"

Genuinely I want to know. I'm not sure why, but I do.

"The other day I saw you and that mayor together. It looked intimate."

"Zack? You know Zack is married? You know it wasn't… _that_ kind of intimate. It wasn't. Zack is a dear old friend, and we were having a fight. Or, really, a heated discussion."

"About Cain. I know. To me it sounded like a lovers quarrel."

Jason doesn't know. I take a deep breath in, and exhale slowly.

"…Zack and I weren't having a 'lovers quarrel'. He was worried about where Cain is. He was worried, because Cain is his friend, and Cain was…mine. He was, for a long time, my boyfriend."

I can see the information registering by the twitches on Jason's face. They go from shock, to knowing, to disbelief, and back to a strange mixture of them all. I never mentioned it before to Jason because I didn't want to, really. I should be able to choose what I do and do not mention and since I didn't think he'd get so serious with me, I didn't feel it was important. But referring to Cain as my 'boyfriend' bring a jolt of pain. Hearing the song outside, whatever it is about a woman crying about a man not loving her any more, makes the pain worse.

"You and Cain?"

"Yeah. Yeah for a long time. We…this is the first time in our lives we're apart. Sincerely, actually, apart. He won't come back. He won't return. And I can try to be as normal as I want, but knowing, for the first time in your life since you were born, that the last constant is gone, sincerely hurts. I've been doing my best to be normal. My best to be a person I want to be. But every day when I wake up, I still get angry at the world. Because how can the entire world go on when I can't?"

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"I wanted to forget it, I don't know, Jason. I don't have an answer for you."

I hear the song ask the audience if we know how it's the end of the world because her love has left her. I know it is. Believe me, I know.

"So you sting me along? You…make me believe you care?"

"I _do_ care. I just can't love you. Not right now. I need to be alone, I need…to deal with this instead of running from it. This is the first time in my life I've been alone and I need to figure out how to do that or I'll always rely on the companionship of others."

"Just how long were you together?"

"I dunno. However old I am? I'm close to thirty. Maybe…twenty-eight years?"

"How old is Cain?"

"Five years older than me. Thirty-three."

"You've…you've been together your entire life? How is that possible?"

Do I have to go through this again?

"My mom and dad adopted Cain before I was born. We were raised together."

"Incest?"

"No, _adopted_. He's…Atom it's a long story. Look Jason, can you just go?"

Without more words or arguing, Jason leaves my room. I hear him slam the front door, and feel the weight lifted from my shoulders. Truthfully I didn't know such a weight was even there, but it seems it was. Inside, despite the light feeling I have, there's still turmoil and the fear of not knowing. The fear of loneliness, and the fear of the future.

In a pitiful attempt to get my mind off of everything, I venture out to the outskirts of Megaton. I can still hear Diamond City Radio in the distance from somewhere within Megaton. A friend to talk to would be nice. Someone to confide in, to listen to me and validate or give advice on what it is I'm feeling. I could go talk to Gob, but I feel like he just isn't the right person to talk to. That he'd just parent me, rather than truthfully listen. In this entire city, I feel like I'm all alone. But hope rises up eventually, when I see Jasper and Boone playing a few yards away from me. Really, Jasper stands there while Boone plays in the dirt.

"Jasper?"

I call out, and she looks over. She smiles, but even I know it's forced, and faked.

"Hey Diz, what's up?"

Everything. Everything is 'up'. My emotions are flopping about, the new information I processed about my mother and father, Jason, Cain and the Commonwealth. Where do I begin? Does she even want to listen to me?

"Did Zack ever speak to you, by the way?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah he did and it uh, it was resolved."

"So, where's Cain?"

Sighing, I shake my head.

"No idea, honestly. We parted ways a while ago. Last I knew he was headed into the Citadel."

"He can't survive without you, can he?"

"I don't know Jasper. Look I already spoke about it with Zack."

"So, what do you need me for then?"

What's with her? I don't know why I sought her out, why I 'need' her, or anything. I think right now I just wanted a friend. Someone who wasn't Gob to speak with and maybe feel a bit normal after all I've been reading and processing. I don't know, honestly. I feel so alone.

"I just wanted to talk."

I tell her, running my fingers through my short hair and feeling the dirt beneath my bare feet. A cool breeze blows. It rained not too long ago, I can still smell it in the air. The sun is low in the sky, orange and pink hues tell me it's still early. For some reason, whenever my heart beats, it hurts. Jasper looks at me, one eye on Boone. Her face almost reads annoyance. Inside my stomach, my chest, a powerful and raw emotion begins to swell up. Tears stream down my face, clearing dust from freckles, and making me look foolish as I show no sadness. There are just tears, on this otherwise monotone face.

"I just wanted a friend, Jasper."

Her eyes soften, her annoyance fades. She steps forward, and wraps her arms around me. I feel comfort as I bury my head. Comfort my mom once gave me, comfort my father always ensured. It's the comfort and warmth of an old friend welcoming you once more. After a long absence, it's the relief of someone still being there, just as they were before. Her smell, her energy, everything overwhelms me and while I felt so alone before, so lost and transparent despite having both Gob and Zack, now with Jasper I don't feel so lonely. I think, deep inside, I needed to feel this way. I needed the gentle reminder that my friend was still here.

"I'm sorry, Diz. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong."

"Everything. Everything is wrong. It's all my fault, Jasp. It's all my fault."

And while my wails and cries of pain are softened by her rough clothing, they're still escaping. And with each breath I take and let more out, the lighter I feel. Between cries and gasps I tell her how much regret I have. How deeply I miss Cain, how I know he'll never return and how I don't know what's true anymore. But mostly, I tell her how much I miss my mom and dad. I tell her how much I wish dad was still here. How I'd give anything to be small again, and to have him lift me in his strong arms and throw me high into the air. What I wouldn't trade to see my mother smiling as dad and I fooled around in the setting sun like we used to. Him throwing me, me begging to go higher, and mom yelling that I'd touch the sun if I went further.

"It's my fault Cain is dead. It's my fault for everything."

Pulling from me, Jasper strokes my cheeks tenderly. I think her being a mom gave her a certain touch that only mom's have. The kind of touch I so desperately need right now.

"Nothing, _nothing_ is your fault, Dizzy. Nothing could have prevented the choice Cain himself made. Nothing could have prevented the death of your parents. Nothing in this whole world you could have done would have made any difference on their choices. Everything that's happened to you has been a choice by someone else. You have no control over that."

She's right, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"But it still hurts."

I say, nearly whining. I wonder where this weakness came from. Is it even weakness? Is it weak, to want the things we love back? No, I don't think it's weakness. I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't that.

"It will hurt. Change hurts. Life, it really fuckin' hurts, you know? It sucks and really there's nothing that's ever always happy. The only thing we have out here are snippets of happiness between pages of misery and we just have to learn how to handle it one sentence at a time. We have to, Diz."

"How?"

She holds my hand, and glances over at Boone, still blissfully playing in dirt and sand.

"By taking a break and looking around and realizing we're still here. And we've done a lot. And of all of us here in Megaton, it's you who's done the most. And that's how you deal with it, Dizzy. Give yourself credit for how much you've changed, and accept that sometimes, living alone is shitty and hard. Then when you can, remember why you like to smile, and smile."

Jasper and I stand in silence together. Our hands clasped in one another's, watching Boone, watching people. Slowly, the pulsing pain in my chest retreats to a dull ache.


	27. Son of Flynn

(Subject One)

I have no employer. I have no mission. I follow the Mr. Handy robot named 'Winston' towards a settlement. He claims there, is where we will find my employer. My employer that I will guide north to the Commonwealth, to a facility called The Institute. I search my memories, looking for anything that could tell me what this Institute is, but nothing comes up. Nothing comes up, when I search for anything.

Winston chatters on endlessly. He talks of the Institute, of what will happen when our mission completes. He talks of things I don't understand. He calls me 'Subject One' but something inside of me, something I can't place, tells me that is not who I am. Something inside tells me he's wrong.

"Why, Winston?"

I ask him, and he pauses as we near closer to the settlement in the distance. The rains have since cleared, and the mud beneath my boots feels heavier than the gun on my back.

"Why what, Subject One?"

"Why is my name Cain?"

"You are confused, Subject One. You have no name."

Winston is wrong, but I choose not to press the matter. I can't prove he's wrong. I can only feel it. I can't base anything on feelings, either. It was not how I was built, not how I was programmed. I know that I am like Winston. We are of the same mind. Artificial intelligence designed by creators of organic beings. But this body that I have, is superior in ways, to Winston's. This body grows, and feels. This body bleeds, and sweats. The body that my mind resides in, is artificially organic. His, nothing more than metal and bolts. Inside of this body, I _feel_ things, like the feeling of knowing my name is Cain.

It came to me in a dream. An imposing man told me it was. Told me it was my name and to never forget. But what? What am I to never forget? I can't recall, but the man looked into my eyes so easily. He was my height, he was my stature. In a way, I felt as if I had looked into a mirror.

"Who am I designed after?"

I remember being told when they woke me, that everyone designed like me was modeled after someone. That they had no time or reason to be 'original' in their creation of my body. My mind, my body, was made in image of someone else. But who?

"Subject One what is with these nonsense questions? You know full well you are modeled after a previous subject of the compound. You must remember your mission Subject One, we are nearing Megaton."

"But who was that previous subject? Have I met him? I feel strange."

"You have never met him Subject One. You have only just returned to the compound after completing your mission."

"What mission?"

"Subject One I have not been allowed to access those files as I stated to you when you woke. There is no way I would know. For now you have one main objective and you are to obey it per your programming, do you understand?"

"Yes."  
I don't, but I lie and say I do. I have so many questions, and no answers. I don't feel anything deeper than a discomfort, and a curiosity. I know I can't ask any civilian I come across, it may jeopardize the mission or compromise our cover. But the imposing figure and booming voice still looms heavily inside me, telling me my name is Cain, and I am not to forget. I have forgotten. Whatever it was I was supposed to not forget, I have.

Yet, when my eyes lay upon the settlement, I feel more strange. I feel as if before I've been here. This place Winston calls 'Megaton'. I visited here once, in a dream it feels like. I guess one would call it deja vu. I've been here, but I can't be sure if I truly have, or if I only dreamt I did.

"Here, Subject One, is where we shall find your employer."

"How will we know who they are?"

"We don't. We simply find a competent human to guide us to the Institute so your programming does not conflict. In order for you to stay calm you must be employed. We can disregard them once the mission has been completed."

"I understand."

There's an insecure pause between us. I say nothing, waiting for Winston to inquire.

"...You still feel strange, Subject One?"

"I do. I feel I have been here before."

"You may have, before I had to operate. Neither one of us would have anyway of knowing that."

"My memories are fully wiped?"

"Everything is wiped, Subject One. You have been erased and defragmented. In no particular order. I suggest focusing only on what must be done, rather than what you have done. Now come, let us venture into the settlement. We must hurry forth to the Institute."

If I follow Winston, what will happen? What will happen if I choose instead to disobey him? Dread overcomes me when I think of disobeying him, mostly due in part to my aversion to disobeying orders. It wasn't how I was programmed. But despite such programming, and his insistence, I can't help but feel confident that once, I had a name. That in fact I have been here. Here in this settlement, though we only stand on the edge of it. Neither one of us making a move forward.

"On second thought, Subject One, you wait here. Out of sight from anyone. It might cause us trouble if we were to be seen together. If you were here before, I do not want to risk any enemies seeing you. Without an employer you have no reason to defend. I wish to stay functioning."

His reason is sound and I don't question it. I linger back while he goes forth. If I did arrive here in the past, I could very well have made enemies. Without an employer there's no need to use violence unless for self preservation, putting Winston at risk. Neither one of us, even together, could face the population here.


End file.
